original quotes :)

you can drop me, but imma bounce back up, kick you to da curb and keep on stepping :)

yep. i def came up with that all by myself. and its so awsome because its true.
people come and go out of your life all the time. sometimes it hurts, others not so much.

its the times when there is a person you think will never leave.. but when they do..
that hurts like a bitch.
nothing nessacarily has to happen.. but rather things can unfold, if you will, or take a different path.
awkwardness sets in, people start to get uncomfortable or their ego takes over and they shut down. and eventually leave.

in my situation all of these things took place.
im not dropping names and im not going to go into details..
me and this friend were friends for a long time. i thought we had something that would last. friendship wise.
we hit high school and like a cookie our friendship started to crumble.
we started to meet new people and our tastes started to differ. at first this bugged me, but then i understood we were just growing into who we are as seperate people.
over the summer we didnt really talk but as school came around so did we.
but as the year has progressed we just seem to be growing farther apart. however it wouldnt be so bad if this so called friend were straight up with me right..
when you are fake as snow at the mall.. thats what pisses me off. i cant stand that. i wear my feelings on my sleeves so people pretty much always know how i feel and what i think..
awkward meetings in wal mart have never been my thing and if this is how the friendship will go on..
i quit :)

Merry Christmas??

"there singing deck the halls, but its not like christmas at all. i remember when you were here and all the fun we has last year.."

love love love that song.

Christmas has come but its not gone yet. The joy of the jolly season is not preasent for me this year. I have a gratefull spirit but I can say I'd rather be elsewhere. Somewhere far away.

I got a wii :)
Really kickass jewerly.
A notebook.
and some other things that i cant think of at the moment. Christmas waspretty good.

Tomorrow we will have Christmas at my grandmaws. Im so excited for that :)

This year has been so messy and shitty...
Im ready for a new start..
Hopefully I wont screw it up. And if i do... story of my life.

Ive been thinking so much about my mema this year. and my grandpa. i feel as if i have all these repressed memories. like things i think i remember but maybe not.. its very frustrating.
i wanna bring it up but i swear when i see my mom cry it makes me want to throw up.

I have these morbid thoughts of my grandmaw dying and when i think of that it makes me so frazzeled..
i just try not to think about that.. to much to bear.

ok not going there..

My life is def. not a Disney flick..

if the shoe fits

then by all means she's a bitch...

this cliche feeling of everything i do going unnoticed is getting old.

everyday its something i didnt do, i should've done, or i was sussoposed to do.

the guilt trips are old. you can keep my ticket cause there's no freaking way im bording that train..

if you think its going to work, your imagination obviously doesn't stretch very far.

the day is almost over then the next will pass too. some fast or some slow, either way they go. bye bye.

these days i hopefully wont regret. my mind is to focused on the days ahead.

today is dec 21! wtf?

So the other day i hopped on here and was going to write this long post and now i cant even remember what is was going to say... (that happens a lot)

on dec. 19 i was writting in my journal and i was just kinda shitting around with this line i had in my head...
its not really that good i dont think.. kinda lame.. but im going to post it anyway and i trust you'll give my feed back.


Cut
Shut
Your eyes
And let the poison set in
Blood boils as heat sets in
Troubles will remain
Visable forever
Cut
Shut
Your heart
And let the hate flow
Skin Crawls as sinister words flow out
Cut
Shut
The life support

it might could be something if i did some work to it.. but i will save that for another day.

So i was going through the journal i have now the other day i got this wave of rage run through me. It was like some demonic force.. lol. I got mad cause I started thinking about my blue notebook. My notebook. The one that was almost finished! The one that had some much shit in it. Carried my life on the lines my blood (litterally), dreams, nightmares, thoughts, everything. I guess it doesn't really make since getting upset about.. but god! my freakig notebook. I let my freakig guard down and let some dummy tell me to get rid of it.. that the stuff in it was no good for me.. well all the stuff in there was me!
K. I can't dwell on that now.. no need to get even more upset.

Right now I'm not really upset I just don't feel that good.

OMG!! I almost forgot to inform you. I got this brochure from Berklee advertising their summer programs.. and they have a vocal summit. Its expensive as hell. But I was telling grandma about it and she said if i can raise some of the money she'll help me out with the rest :) OMFG!
I was telling my mom about it and how I was really serious about wanting to go. She basically told me I couldn't go because I'm not an "entertainer" in my coummunity. Which is bull shit. I have as much a shot as anyone else. Nicole got one to so I am goig to try to convince her to go to.
Not going to get my hopes up real high, but at least this is startig to look a little more realistic :)

 

today sucked...

if i could cast all my cares on your mom i would.
i prayed last night before i went to bed. i asked God to fix this thing that i have going on right now... that thing where i put my foot in my mouth with my friends.. yea. i know to be patient. and im trying but its really hard to walk around with all this awkwardness.
this is one of the times when i really wish i could read minds. if i just knew what they were thinking then i could know what to say or do to get the healing process along.

you know that gives me and idea.. about a book i mean.
like i've been thinking awhile about getting in the zone to write like creating a whole new world. so i just got the idea that my world could be where someone can read minds.. humm have to think more on that. and sont be some kinda reatarded weenie and take my freaking idea.. not cool dude.

im so tired. i want to go to bed. not that there is anything stopping me.
im stressing over this paper i have to write thats due friday... even though that im not going to start till tomorrow.. i have some questions i for mrs. B and things that need to be cleared up.

fuck.

your freaking mother goes to freaking college!

today sucked!
ever had them days where you say something that is completely stupid and just fucks the whole universe over? well today i had one of those days. shit! i hate that. if i could take it back i would.. so yea today i have some regrets.. im trying to shrug it off as whatever, but i dont think that is going to work this time.

anyway im not going to ramble on that...
today in english we ahd this really cool assigment to write a poem. sounds boring but the process was fun.
and plus im sorta kinda proud of my poem. :)
it started with writing little sentences like i see blah blah or i taste blah blah and so on and so forth.
then it gave you instructions to add similies and personification, you get the drift.
at the end it said that once you were done what you have left if "true poetry", which is what i named my poem.


"True Poetry"

I find myself standing in Times Square
Jazzy lights justify
Blurring, busy, beautiful people
Omnipresent car horms roar like
Vibrant music that pulses through the city like a heartbeat
International foods dance through the streets and give us
A different life
Dreary fumes hug the air like a high school heat break
Haunting, memorable, meaningless, memories
Vigoriously alive
Awaited freedom I received like a criminal set free

 -emg

my future is so bright i hope it melts your face!

ok ok ok.

so lately i have been thinking a lot about college.
i am so ready to get out of this town, out of my house! ready to learn and see the world.. er at least more of north carolina.

i would really like to go to school out of state.. but umm i dont have that special power to pull money out of my ass. so i have narrowed my sights to UNC Ashville. now this is not a dead set thing. but its looking pretty good. i want to go to school for creative writing and i wanted to study music technology but there's a problem. i cant play anything.. so not going to cut that out of my life goals just yet.. just out of my college ones. well this time around. so i think i am going to study creatvie writing and something in the dramatic arts. cause i really like acting and singing and that whole world.

so the past few days i have laid out of school.. literally all i have done is lay around the house.. and its getting boring. today i feel better but not ready to tackle school yet, tomorrow though. i promise. you are probably wondering whats wrong. its my back. i have an extra vertabre and a thin disk, and my pelvis is twisted. and it hurts! its been hurting for a while now but monday i sneezed in art and i pulled my back and now its hurt worse than ever. monday and tuesday were really bad, today not so much. i am going to get therapy again today and hopefully it willl start having a longer effect.

i'll be back later with something more productive...

*may contain spelling errors!*

the wind is really bad out there, not sure if this is good or not but my house just might take flight.. lol.
 so today as well as all of this week sucked. fuck. is fucked. my eyes are tired my face is swelled and my gray hair is gleming.
idk. it feels like stress but i dont like to admit to stress because everyone is always "stressed". if people would chill the hell out we would all be ok. and lately i feel anything but chill and ok. im never ok. never.
me me me. selfish, worthless, concetied me.  two of those adjectives were outside opions.. i promise.


its lame to go on and on about this shit i know.. but i just cant take it anymore. there are not enough pills to ease the pain and not enough sleep to take me away.
as much i want to i havent went back to old habits.. not yet anyway.. its getting harder and harder to say no to that sudective silver devil.


ive been reading ellen hopkins new book "tricks". its about prositution. and ive learned that sex is gross. like i seriously dont want anyone near my equipment.  :) unless of course mr. right comes along.. but who am i kidding, they all suck. and im not speaking just figuaritvly. but i feel bad for the people in the book. i just wanna wrap them in a hug and take them bowling. lol. something fun.
see people im not always a cold bitch. ... but i did just reach out kindness to fake personals.. wow. im crazy. and you can quote me on that.. i dont care.

im getting tired now. my brain had been racking all day.. and i still have three sheets to fold. ughh. curse the stupid sheets!! i dont wanna go to school tomorrow. i hate that place.. to many people. to many distractions.






one puff 
two cuts
three pills

life is not a thrill 
get real.
upside down
over and out
what we feel is
nothing real.

take and breath
and close my eyes
away from this world i fly.
up above the world so high
like a liar in the sky.

one puff
two cuts
three pills





figuarativly speaking of course... :)

pointless??

OK blogger.. today i started to write my book.
at first it was going good. i filled up a whole page, and then direction i was going in was like stupid. it was ordinary and expected. so i started two more times and they were OK. i think I'm going to take parts from all three and start again and see where that takes me.

i have to say its not as easy as it looks. I'm starting to think maybe a short story is the way to go.. maybe. for some reason i haven't ever really liked short stories. idk. i thought i knew what i wanted this story to be but now i see that there are a million ways to go and a million more ways to mold the characters to my liking :) obviously it makes me feel ungodly powerful!

i feel tired but its only like nine thirty and if i tried to go to bed Vanna would flip. SO. let me tell you about my day.. the short story .. Lol.
print club decorated a rest home, and if i may say so it was really fun. old PPl kinda freak me out cause they are so quite but a lot of the little old ladies were sweet and they loved the trees we but up. and the snowflakes, which were my favorite :)
then me and Rachel went to Fuji grill and to Cato's and hallmark which doesn't! have a public bathroom might i add. but the lady was sweet. she wasn't a bitch about it. she passed the blame on some other chum.. my kinda lady.


FYI: my computer is gay.
just wanted you to know that.

I'm getting bored with this.. going to watch the boob tube :)

its monday.

have you ever heard that song "Break Stuff" by: Limp Bizkit?
well if not go listen to it. NOW!! it will set the mood for this post.

cause if you havent already guessed it .. that what i'm listening to. (until the son changes of course. )

where to start?

Rachel is finally here. She spent the night yesterday and i saw her today and we are going to hang out some more as the week progressses.

Thanksgiving is wedensday. The only thing i'm excited for is the food. def. not! the jubilant company of my friends and family.. i probably wont see my friends that much over break .. if i do at all. and my family.. well thats just.. fuck?.. yes.

My mom and grandma have put on the gloves early this year.. not cool. its frustrating.. my mom thinks everybody is against her, when we're not. We just dont make things as complicated..

I love my mom. Despite what i may say when im angry. she is a good mom to me and my sisters. we dont always get along.. but shes there when i need her. and for that i am totally grateful. this is me and my mom.. i beleive this picture was taking in her closet before we went out to eat one night. :)

-> and this one was taken in florida.. at this really good fish place. my face looks retarded but its good of her :)

Even thought you may never read this.

I LOVE YOU MOMMA!

so besides all that drama Rachel invited me to go to the beach with her and she was talking about driving down there. im kinda stressing about that cause i dont think my mom will let me drive there and finances are a big problem... but what can i do. nada, just sit back and see how everything plays out...yep. sounds good.

my stomach is so full i feel as if i may pop! i cooked my first meat loaf tonight and not to toot my own horn or anything ... i was pretty great :) (toot!)

im proud of myself today now that i think about it.

the meat loaf obvilously, and in english i was very active and i actually liked the story. and!! i got a lot of work done in graphics. .. not all of it.. but i made a good dent.

now if you've stayed with me this long, im listening to the Moffats. i think they are 90's... maybe early 2000's. not sure. most people probably dont like them but i do:) so go listen to them. now! the song Crazy is great :)

"you thought here"

i really have a lot of things i need to be doing..
and i had this really awesome post but thanks to Jeffrey i lost my train of thought and now this post will be a rambler! as always.

lately i have been feeling.. very ... well like i was before i snapped!
the sinking feeling. i always want to sleep! i absolutely just crave to lie down and think. just to send myself far away where i can gain so since of control.

tears come and i have skilled myself to turn them around and let them trickle back into my inner being. but whatever right? everybody cries at some point and time.. i guess. but it makes me feel weak at times like i can't hold the wall up that day. can't let people see you when your down.. well you can let them see you just can't let them in. cause once there in! you are screwed.

this sounds dramatic but i don't care this is my blog and these are my thoughts. as my fingers fidget over the keys i conjure up tons of times that i have made me cry, made me think less of myself. I'm not always always dominated by the bad memories. the good ones are there. but like a beautiful black and white photo that you never touch cause its just to precious.

yo momma so stupid..

there is nothing left to say about it :)

yea that's pretty much how things go these days. talk about somebody mother and go about your business. so yea. yo momma. that's right i went there and came back fool.

i also went to Wal mart with my friend Taylor a little while ago. that was good genuine fun.

i enjoyed my time with him.. good lord i really do sound like a grandma.

see in art.. which i have second block... i have earned the title of grandma.

yea kinda weird since my grandma is like the best thing since sliced bread!

OK so obviously this is my grandma! she's like the best.

but anyway i guess its cause some of my bad ass expressions like " good gravy". and the fact that I'm still a virgin, which I'm proud of, ans i don't do drugs. ...I'm a great kid! old star for me!

OK maybe I'm a little conceited but i don't care.. do i? no! :)

OK so i think I'm done with this post. you know just to give you a little bit of insight to my art class and the greatness of my grandmother.

ipod druggie

lately i have felt distant from my friends and family.. well i have always felt distant from my family. but lately i have felt really distant from my "friends" maybe its in my head, but i dont think it is this time.

see my best friend of all time live in texas. she moved when i was in like.. 6th grade. we talk all the time and she comes home on holiday. but still the distance is tough on are friendship.

i have friends here at home to. and i love them to death. but its like in a puzzel when you take a peice that does't fit but if you push hard enough it looks fine. that how i feel like there was nowhere else in the puzzel for me to go. so i just fell into that group of friends. its uncomfortable like a bad xmas sweater.

i like to be alone. but there is also this horrid streak of personality running through my veins that likes to be the center of attention. its really bad. thats the side of myself i dont like. i love to be loud and ramdom. but not annoying! which i know i can sometimes be.. but everybody is at times. i think lately i have been needing a lot of attention and i wasnt getting it.. thats not good either for me.

my best friend, rachel, is coming home for thanksgiving. im super excited! im really looking foward to it. it will give us a chance to connect again! finally. being away from her is horrid. we change when we are apart.. i dont like it. its sad.

i dont really know where im going with this..

fuck!

there we go.

fuck!

starting to feel better.

fuck!

thats all i can say.

ok not all.. but

its what makes since right now.

so many things are running through my mind right now.

if i could just get a few questions answered i'd be set. but secerts must remain contained.

to slowly eat away at your sanity!

this day has been....

crazy? no. not a good word.
its been long and cold. i felt distant from the whole universe today. When i brought my head down from the clouds long enough to converse the result was horrible. I went right back to the clouds.

I feel the old feelings coming back, you know the ones I'm talking about. The ones that make you feel sad and depressed. The ones that make you question everything and darken your whole outlook. .. yea thoughs. I hate feelings! quite a contradiction but, that's life isn't it?

I haven't been on here in a while.. I don't know why.

Summer was .. OK i guess. Not exactly the best but it was tolerable.
There were concerts attended and Florida was beautiful. Camp was.. another story for another day. The highlight was def. getting my car. Myrtle and obviously my licence:)
I love driving. Looking into the rearview mirrior and seeing the miles behind me. It only increases my anticipation to get out of here! Go to school and gain more independance. I have some now, but not nearly as much as i want! and apparently to my parents to much i cant handle. but do you think i care? .. sometimes i do. when i let what they say get in my head. but if it just passes by then it cant hurt me. .. thats how i see it.

only time wil tell

school is done, another year of knowledge tucked under my belt.
i feel different somehow.
i was exposed to new things, i tried new things, i learned new things, i have become something new.
new i like that term.
new, different, refreshed.
taking my life to new heights.
the road is winding so fast now, flashing before my eyes, will i have the time and strength to accomplish everything i aspire?
only time will tell

they say my eyes are pretty and i have wonderful hair and that i am beautiful on the inside.

that's not true, my eyes are way to tiny, when i laugh to hard i cant see. my hair is stupid, when its curly its big when its straight its frizzy. and if they only knew what was on the inside.. beauty is the furthest thing from it.

emptiness has overtaken me, depression is swelling up inside me. i long for some release, but none can be found. sleep,my long time friend, no loner helps. for now i am once again haunted by daily nightmares.

the music is not strong enough to beat out the ugly. worldly substances are to far out of reach. my old methods are tucked away deep within me with promises to stay there forever. ... will they once again reappear?

only time can tell.

tick, tick, tick, goes the clock on the wall. the ever-present alarm letting me know that time is slipping through my fingers.

slipping, falling, running, jumping into that air with no knowing of where i will fall. will i ever fall? if i fall will it be back in good graces or back in the hands of an evil stranger?

well i found this among my drafts...

three pills to many make my teeth chatter and my body shake.

one hug from you and i am ready to jump in the sack.

too many thoughts and i cant fall asleep.

seven days a week i go through trapted in the same routine.

rebellious motives move though me like a hurricane

calm the waters and i will be still if only for moment.

from time to time... i sit and stare out the window and wait for something to happen. i daydream... i put together scenes that one day i might put in my book.. or not. sometimes when i stare out the window i have my ipod in.. ok most of the time i have my ipod in. i listen to the music and imagine myself in the crowd or up on stage.. do you ever do that? .. i think of people and what i want to say to them or what i want them to say to me.. have any of these daydreams came true?... no. but i can still hope and still hold them there. ... most of the time in my mind i am in control.. i can control my environment.. most of the time. .. sometimes not.. sometimes i just wish there were no more people.. cause where there are people there are problems. big problems. ..with problems come frustration.. some people shut down.. or freak out....sometimes when i am having a bad day and the right person says the wrong thing.. i snap! ... i have had several outburst this year.. but shh. .. if i was calm and put together... things would be all to calm and dull. .. that what makes us us.. or me me and you you. ..thank God i am not you and our are not me. ... that would be all to awkward. .sometimes when i think i think of where i will be in 10-12 years... in a loft in NYC.. ocean front on the coast of FL.. of possibly in the dazzling lights of Paris.. and sometimes i think of where the people around me will be.. rocking on stage... flipping burgers.. that i will purposely order complicatedly. . working at a doctors office with a very made up and oh so fake smile :) ... or in the slums with all the weed in the world! ... aim high rockingham! ...sometimes when i think.. i think of sleeping for forever... so i will start now.. but end in the morning.. until next time.. when my head is full of thoughts.

today

"its just one of though days when you don't wanna wake up, everything is fucked, everybody sucks!"

words i live by the past few days. i think am going to take a trip back to my hole. i ventured out and the sun is starting to burn.

my stomach hurts, my chest is in a knot my hands are sweaty, my feet are ready to run far away! i cant run though. i have duties to attend to. my worldly reliance's are gone. in the trash, far away... however there is one thing i have saved for very desperate times, and i tell you my friends i am feeling very very desperate. weather i will engage is undecided.

a kiss on the cheek, a stab in the back, a blow to the face, these are the things that make the world go round. i wake up to a tear stained pillow. when i cry in my sleep it hurts to wake up in the mornings. to know that i have to face the world again seems like the biggest challenge of all.

fight fight fight!

i will destroy the enemy. or destroy myself in the process. the fight is long and hard but i will strive.

the enemy is beautiful, ugly, skinny, fat, little manhood, big girlhood, brown hair, blue eyes, smart, dumb, funny, not so much, it inhabits this world everyday shaking up my life!

today i cried. i laughed, i got aggravated, i calmed down.

i am yearning for escape... but to where?

if i had a pen i would write in my notebook. if i had a notebook i would write down every thought that entered my mind. but i dont have a notebook. i have thoughts and i have a pen but no notebook.

sometimes i feel like need to come up for air. like this life is to much for me to handle. but where do i go for air? i have God. i know that nor do i want to hide that fact. God is this ginormous being who loves and saved me from all the worlds ugly. for that i am greatful. i want to devote my life to him but sometimes i trick myself into beleiving that it wont be possible. if you look around sometimes everybody seems to have it together. but i know better. nothing is as it seems. nobody has it together. nobody.
if i had the choice to end things right now, no strings attached.. no afterlife to worry about... i would end it. sometimes i still compemplate it but i know i wouldnt be right. i hate being sad and stuck in this rut called life. i hate it when people call me selfish. when they throw you that line of " think about us, we love you, we would miss you" i understand that. but you would get over it. you would move on and continue to roll with the punches. but when life throws me the punches i cant seem to duck or dodge them in anyway. they hit my square in the face and i let the hate and fear and sadness of thoughs punches fester deep inside me slowly pulling me down, slowly drawing me to the edge. in my head are things that i dont know where they come from. thoughts that have no place being in my head.
but God is there and i know that there is a way to overcome the punches. i know there is someone to heal the brokeness of me. sometimes it dosent seem like that at all. but in my knower i know he is. i have faith that things will get brighter and better in my future.

redbull high?

so I'm sitting here drinking milk out of my sisters HSM coffee cup trying to wrap my brain around anything that will stand still. ... nothing will and i know it.

today was good :)
i had a bio test that counted 8 times! and i made a 96! umm yea thats an A! and not only that but it was the highest grade in my class :)
yep yep yep!
i had Chinese for dinner, that was cool. hung out with my cuzos for a while= awsomeness.
however i did leave my piano book at school. im kinda bummed about that but its all good.

im sleepy but i dont want to go to sleep, does that make since?
- i dont know either.

ok now i have a bad after taste. yuck!

omg! funny story. the waiter at the resturant was high. my mom was like "emily how di you know that?" i was like " haha. mom some of my good friends are drugies.".

i dont really like the fact that they drugs but i cant point a finger cause i def. have my bad habits.
anyway. i guess i will go to bed now....

silly me was waiting for a text or phone call from a certain someone, but do you think he did. nope. and thats ok. i guess. i will just go to besd wallowing in tears.. lol. umm NO! thats a lie. i cry over no man. well there is one but we arent going there tonight.

i think im high. .....? but its too soon to know if i feel myself crashing later i will let you know.

sleep well bloggers. ..or readers. or losers. or teachers. or preachers. or beaters. or meaters. or boogers. :):):):):):):)

goodnight.

*the yellow is the spel check. hahaha*

random stuff from inside my noggin.

poetic spurts come and go like the wind.
my head is soo freaking filled with shit i cant even remember what i had for breakfast.. ( yes i do. i didnt eat :) .. if you are at least a semi-normal human you get what im saying.

i have homewrok to do but i work better after dark. lol. that sounds kinky ;) (JK)
and i need to practice keybored... which i am finally playing. thanks be to God ( seriously. props man:) however i need to rant some first!!
sometimes at night i talk to myself ( dont tell anyone!) it helps me to settle down.
dont know why said that just thought you should know. :)

may is coming right around the corner and im soooooo freaking excited!! yea bby!
first we have the stellar kart concert :)
then we have a lock-in @ me church
and then at the house of blues we have RED and papa roach!! !
oohh yess bloggers i amm soo ready!! going to be great :)
you cant hear it but i just screamed!

stuck on the sad issues.

and yet i still can't seem to pick up the pen to write in a notebook. my notebook is still sitting wasting away in the trashcan. not burned to ashes because my dad has yet to burn the trash. saddens me. absolutely enrages me that its in there! and not under my bed where it belongs. my notebook was blue, well it was a composition book. blue. and in the square in the middle i had "i rock therefor i am" but then later on i got so into my darkness i wrote "wicked sin" on it. that was kinda crazy coming from a new perspective. sometimes when people think things they push them away cause they know some thoughts are meant to be kept unthought. but for me the notebook was where i could escape in my head and think, write, thoughs unthinkable thoughts. when i would take it to the pond and write i would put leaves in it or smear things in it. on one page is water, or blood, one page even had chocolate on it. lol. i wrote the word fuck everywhere in it. the day i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety i devoted a whole page to the word fuck and bashing the therapist. that doesn't upset me anymore. it used to bother me. what bothers me now is when people call me crazy or when they know i got to a shrink and they act weird about it. what hurts is when people look at me weird after they know. they don't treat me like Emily anymore. anyways.... i guess no need to dwell on it but i most likely will.
so look for more notebook dwelling to come.
tata. :)

Nelly, Elliott, and Mac

My ducks are the cutest things ever!
They live outside in a pin most of the time, however, I bring them in a lot to play with them.
My duck, Nelly, has a pink nose and does not like to be by herself.She and Elliott are the white ducks. ( there is a more sciencitific name but i cant think of it right now. ) The other ducks are my cusions, but i raise them and clean up poop, so they are technically mine. :) There names are Elliott and Mac. Mac is a mallard.
Between you and me I think Nelly and Elliott have a little something going on. ;)
Sometimes we fill the bathtub up with water and let the swim in there. They swim all around it, like there own personal pond. There is a pond below my house but I'm scared to take them there because there are snakes and I don't like the possibility of them being duckie stew.



My little sister also got a bunny. His name is Yoda. :) My sisters and I wanted to name him Steve, but mom wasn't down with that. But she liked Yoda so there you go. He's kinda the dominant animal over our little petting zoo. This morning when we put them in the cage thats on the ground, Yoda got out. At first we were scared but then we found him in the flower bed in the front yard. :)

i tried to add a pic. but my computer is being retarded. but Yoda is a cutie :)

my notebook.

i would normally write this in my notebook but.. what had happened was...

on Thursday's at my church we have rock solid outfitters. its just when teens can get together and hangout, and spend time with God. so anyways, i wasn't going to go that night but i did. and we were in praise and worship and I started feeling really sick. i could feel the "demon" or something picking at me. my first reaction was to RUN! but i knew that wasn't right so i sat down and began to pray. people started praying for me and i really thought i was going to up-chuck. i finally did run ..literally run... i was so scared of something i could only see in my head! my youth leader came in and prayed for me and i felt it leave.. this sounds like some bull reading it but it was worse going through it. .. i can breathe without my chest hurting but I'm scared it will come back.

the reason i say that was because that "demon" or whatever it was, all it darkness and all its crap was in my notebook. that notebook was my life i loved that thing like it was my child. and i had to get rid of it. i had to burn it! i know that all that stuff was bad but it was stuff i went through. rocks in the road of my life!! its frustrating.

the worst thing is that i cant seem to write anything without crying. i feel like I'm backstabbing my notebook.

when we went to burn it the thing wouldn't burn it was just laying in the barrel. i wanted to go back and get it but i knew that would be wrong.

i don't even know where i was going with this! fuck. :)

i have to go clean my room.. until i have something else to say..

ta-ta !!

" the light came inot the darkness but the darkness didnt understand it."

i never realized how much i needed the darkness. how much i clinged to it, depended on it to get me through the day. it told me things. lies that i believed and held on to for dear life. things were hidden with the darkness.

but now the darkness is gone. i am stripped bear. nothing to hide behind, nothing to cover my sin.

when a razor blade cuts you it slices the skin open so you can see whats inside. the blood dribbles out and creates a satisfying feeling. but after that a raw numb feeling approaches and settles over the body leaving the mind to run to the darkness and hide. i will never use another razor blade again.
the darkness blocks things. mostly the shame. instead of looking down upon yourself you feel a sense of pride. but when the darkness leaves the shame falls, heavy like an angry summer storm. pulling you down replaying every memory in slow motion. tears that once were stored far away come easy as breathing.

i never realized how much i was hidden away inside myself. how much i depended on the darkness to bring me happiness, instead of the light.
i am raw and numb and i feel stuck in a place where i have left the darkness and walking towards the light.

i have faith that things will get better. things are getting better. i can breathe without feeling a pang in my chest, just dicy nerves but those will pass. i know i have purpose. with every new day will come a new morning and a restored hope. i fill my lungs with air and let the remaining tears fall.

"the light came into the darkness, but the darkness didnt understand it."

with a cleansed mind i am beginning to understand the light.

i plan on never relying on the darkness again. only the light.

there. on the paper. crazy and scrambled

i am new to this thing and i am not quite sure how its going to run, but i have high hopes for it. i love to write, its a very healthy way for me to express myself. at fist i just wrote in my journal and never ventured else where. but lately i have tried my hand at "poems" i guess you could say. some i like but some are just .. well. there. on the paper. .. but then again though could be the most important. because when thoughts "poems" appear, i know they come form the deep places. where things are crazy and scrambled. but that is the core of me, crazy and scrambled.sometimes i like for my life to be there. on the paper. ( or screen for this matter) it lets me see things that i cant see when they are locked away.