back to past.

i can feel it again, rising up from my core..
that bad feeling of being alone, and useless. where everything is coming at me at once and i just know I'm not going to be able to handle it.
i hate to admit that I'm jealous.. but i am jealous of every body's happiness. its not fair that everyone around me has things together, and i cant hold on to anything. the smug smile's on their faces makes me want to puke. it strikes the rage i tried to bury but it comes up all the time now. boiling and ready to spew! i cant take it out on anybody but myself and that's not good. "not healthy" is probably the better term.
i don't want people to feel sorry for me, that just makes things worse.

"this is the last night.."

yep. that's right. the last night here on connell rd. i haven't even tried going to bed yet cause I'm certain i wont be able to sleep. plus Rachel is in there so i wouldn't be able to enjoy it anyways.. no offense, I've just gotten so used to sleeping alone.
i still can't get the idea to sink in my head that we are really moving. its exciting, scary frustrating... every emotion all at once. all these people , friends and family, are coming to help us move tomorrow. don't get me wrong I'm grateful, but.. I'd rather them not help. i just have a thing about people touching our stuff, my stuff. i also don't want them to see the ugly mess this house had become. literally and metaphorically.
i don't want to elaborate ..sorry.
i have the time, just not the energy nor the words to express every thought in my head; everything spins so fast its hard to grab on to anything. when i grab onto something, I'll head back and elaborate. now I'm going to shut the lights off and try to sleep. 
 nighty night.