Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Best Breakup Poem Ever

Best Breakup song  poem ever : "Neutral Tones" by Thomas Hardy. 

We have a "best" song for everything - dance, love, party, and the favorite, breakup song. (And all I can think of is Taylor Swift, can you blame me?) 

In the midst of these melodic power cords, we have lost sight of the art of poetry. 
A poem.. oh yea.. I guess that's.. yea whatever. 

Probably what every teenager thinks when the word "poetry" is uttered. 
And I'll admit, sometimes poetry is a drag, esp early British Literature. 
BUT! 

We read this poem in class and it has just struck a cord in me. Even though I'm not going through a breakup, and never really have, I have had my heartbroken and I've read enough books to empathize. 



We stood by a pond that winter day,
And the sun was white, as though chidden (rebuked) of God,
And a few leaves lay on the starving sod;
         – They had fallen from an ash, and were gray.

Your eyes on me were as eyes that rove
Over tedious riddles of years ago;
And some words played between us to and fro
         On which lost the more by our love.

The smile on your mouth was the deadest thing
Alive enough to have strength to die;
And a grin of bitterness swept thereby
         Like an ominous bird a-wing….

Since then, keen lessons that love deceives,
And wrings with wrong, have shaped to me
Your face, and the God curst sun, and a tree,
         And a pond edged with grayish leaves.



It seems long, but read it, I promise it's amazing.
 The third stanza is my favorite. Just take a second to appreciate that. The smile on your mouth was the deadest thing/ alive enough to have strength to die. 
Not even concerning a breakup, this line, just describes every smile in every awkward moment, death, heartbreak, defeated moment in your life. It just blows me away ( am I nerding out too much here?)!!


The  poem, is in fact about a break-up, but not some drag out fight. The two people lost their way in love and just fell apart. I have had arguments with Israel where we both feel backed into a corner and defeated and sometimes you walk away with that dead smile. In our case it didn't break us, but come on! That last stanza keen lessons that love deceives, that is powerful my friend! 

Friday, November 15, 2013

Does Mother Nature have a period?

I just want to rip my hair out of my head, punch something, and scream at the top of my lungs. 

Ladies, can we please talk, for just a second, about how annoy it is that for the week or so before your period, and you feel like a raging lunatic?! Or is it just me? And then it finally hits you and you kinda mellow out, but your insides are being ripped and crushed my some invisible evil. 
Mother Nature sure is a *#$^!. 
But, we already knew all that, didn't we? 

Obviously I am enduring this week before, which has gotten worse for me since I've gotten older. ( I really need to see a doctor, huh? For mine and Israel's sake. ) 
I just feel like I wanna snap on anything or anybody who crosses my path. The other day this girl looked at me, literally all this poor girl did was LOOK at me, and I turned into the Hulk. Umm excuse me, please so not look at me like that. Would you like me to push you down the stairs?? Also, your haircut makes your head look big. 

 I hate being a woman. 

I am up this late because I am throwing a party for my friend tomorrow; she is 9 years cancer free!! Whoo-hoo! Totally something worth celebrating in my book. I am trying to get my house in order for the event, but I need to take a second and breath before I smashed all the dishes. 

I feel like I have been running around in endless circles (is that too repetitive?) for months now. My brain is fried. Today I skipped not one but two classes, and I feel no guilt. I actually had a couple of hours where I vegged, and when I caught myself I felt guilty for some unbeknownst reason. This semester cannot end sooner. Just one more week of classes, and then exams, and I am home free! Until January, where I have a 9 a..m  spanish. It literally never ends. 



This song just came on my Spotify; it's one of my favorites. I will leave you with this soulful piece, since I killed you with my hormonal outrage :p 





Tuesday, November 5, 2013

adults worry about growing up too pt.1

This morning, as well as yesterday.. in fact now that I think about it, I've been feeling like this for a while now. 
Often, I get this fear that I'm losing myself, which immediately brings this panic of "do I really know who I am?" Of course, this may just be left over teenage insecurities? Or is that wishful thinking? Don't adults worry about growing up too? I believe it stems from not wanting to get to the end of your life and have regret. It's easy to get caught up in the hype and pressure of "YOLO" and "carpe diem." Live life to the fullest and squeeze everything you can out of it. The sad part comes from all the limitations that we face, and even create for ourselves. 

Lately, I just feel trapped in this box. The crazy thing is that the box has windows and a door, I just don't know how to get out. I'm making myself stay in this place where I feel helpless. And then on top of that I think, your problem is that you spend too much time thinking about yourself. If you can get out of your head, you'd be ok. I believe me, too. I know that small problems can be just that, small, hardly a problem. But if you spend too much time chewing and mulling it over that it turns into this huge monster and you don't even want to get out of the bed in the morning. 

Whew, life sucks and then you die, huh? 
Sorry to lay this on you, but I feel like if I don't get it out I'll just keep chewing and mulling. And quite frankly, I don't have time to spiral into depression right now. The end of school has popped up and so have papers and tests. I am so ready for break, I can taste it. Yummy. 


Tuesday, September 3, 2013

I'll fly away.. and you can call me Queen B

I almost feel like a hypocrite for going to school to be a teacher ( and gaining a growing passion for it ) and, yet, still hating homework. If all the information just soaked into my head whilst daydreaming in class, I'd have no problems. But seeing as how that never happens, I have to put forth effort. And I am determined to do better, at least some meager attempt.
I'll admit, I'm not the most studious, and I don't like looking like dummy on paper. 

However, clearly I am not doing school work. I was working on spanish and then I thought... hummmmmmmm maybe I'll try that blog thing again. 

On a completely unrelated note I have two songs stuck in my head at the same time. The songs have nothing to do with one another. I just like because they both, respectively, have good hooks. If you are procrastinating from something, take another sec and listen. 



The first one, Royals, I heard on the radio and can't get the beat out of my head. I am a sucker for some good snaps in a song. 
And the second, I head just the other day in a friends' car. You might think, Eww, Dixie chicks, or give a dramatic eye roll as my sister would, actual both of them probably would. Say what you want, we both know that Earl had it coming.  


Enjoy. and goodnight my earthlings. 

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Life Update...

I haven't wrote anything on here in so long that I honestly thought about starting a new blog. I figured that since I was married now, that would be a good stopping and re-starting spot. BUT then I slapped myself ( not really) because I realized that would defeat the purpose of this blog: to document my journey, my life. 

Quick update, school is back in session: all of my teachers are trolls ( except the hottie with a body bowling coach. yes, I am taking bowling. yes i get a credit for it. ) Classes are good, so far I really only enjoy my literature class. 

Wedding planning dominates the other half of my life. The big day is coming up quick and I am so excited. I still have a full head of hair, so I'd say things are going pretty good. I am, however, just now starting to get aggravated that this shindig is only one day. As much time, effort and MONEY as we are putting into it, you'd think it was a week long, county wide celebration. 

OH, I got a job! Thats noteworthy. I am a cashier at a local cafe on main st. If it was anymore novel, my feet wouldn't be able to touch the ground. 

Thats the broad whatnots going on with me. How are you? How has your week been? 
You probably won't answer, but I do care. I hope you who read this are doing good. 

Random bunny trail, I have become quite entertained by these "vine" sensations. If you haven't seen any, you are missing out my friend. One of my top 5 favorites is: 





I have not the energy to bore you with my troubles as I thought I would post, instead I will leave you with 7 seconds of senseless funny. 

Friday, June 28, 2013

Half the Fun is Getting There

So I noticed that the posts about my love life and marriage have gotten the most hits. 
Is that all you people want from me?! The drama??! 

Truly, answer the question. If that's what you want, that's what I will give you. 

Two days of being married have been great! 
With the weekend approaching, we can finally go off for a couple of days and have some time together. (He's had to work this week, so it's been a bummer being on usual routine.) 

Today there has been no nothing going on. Except the part where I've been procrastinating on packing and roaming around the house waiting for prince charming to get home so we can goooooo! 
 ( ugghhh saying stuff like that makes me desperately miss school. I feel useless! )  

You know when you go on a vacation half the fun is the anticipation.


  •  You blow up your facebook with a countdown: 459 days till the bahamas!!  
  • And you plan you packing strategically: OOO THIS TOP IS A MUST! AND THIS DRESS! OHH THIS WILL BE SO CUTE WITH THOSE SHOES!  And then the reality of sunburn sets in and you completely have to re-do your outfits. WHICH IS OK because you packed half the closet to "have options."
  • Then the car, plane, train, boat, zipline, ride etc.. You get in the vehicle  all packed ready to go. And for the first hour you are pumped! Got your snacks, your "road-trip playlist"..ect. BUT then after the first hour your butt is uncomfortable, your want real food (because for some reason traveling makes you ravenous), and if you don't stretch your legs you are gonna have cramps for the next three days. 

Happy Summer Everybody!!! 

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Went to Chapel and We got Marrrrriiiiieeedddd

This post is mainly for my Facebook population, but also for the rest of the world that reads my story. 

Yesterday (June 25 2013) I got married! 

Just let THAT sink in. 

I married my best friend and I couldn't possibly happier. (Well, if I didn't have to wait three days for the honeymoon I'd be somewhat happier.) We had a short and sweet ceremony at the church and then had the attendees back at our place for some food and.. video games. We mainly did this because we were living together already and we did want to right that wrong before God. We figured we're going to do it anyway, we might as well! 

Saying that, we are still having that big ceremony/par-tay in October! 

The ceremony yesterday was just what my pastor called the "I Do" portion. We said hopelessly romantic vows and sealed the deal. (too saucy a phrase?) It was short, but so sweet. I cried the entire time. I tried desperately to hold them back and the more I tried, the more they flowed. 
In that place with Israel and our close guests, I felt God with us and I felt his blessing. I am overjoyed at  starting this new chapter in my life. It was perfect. 
One of the happiest days of my life, and the best part is I get to do it twice! 















Monday, June 24, 2013

candy crush

I AM ADDICTED TO CANDY CRUSH!!!! 

This game has taken its evil little candy hands and wrapped them around my throat. I am so frustrated because I can NOT beat level 29!  The stupid "JELLY" is killing me! 

I have wasted too much time playing this game and not getting anywhere. It's gotten to the point where I have two games going-one on facebook and one on my mp3 player. 
As yet, spoiled in my hatred, I can not let it go. I MUST WIN!!!  


And I don't feel like an idiot exposing my candy crush addiction because half of the world has fallen into its sugary claws! At least half my facebook friends and my family are. 


Saturday, June 22, 2013

Life Goes On

I have become so obsessed with youtube, facebook, and instagram.. oh and pinterest, that i have totally forgotten to write about my life. Which, in your case my be a good thing. 


October is nipping at my heels and there is still so much to do for the marriage celebration! Decorations, flowers, hair, finding the right bra, shoes! In the mix of planning, praying, and trying to force myself to not drink another glass of coke, I am going through the growing pains of becoming the person I never expected to be at this point. 
I am 20 years old, getting married, and I have a cat!! Yes, a cat, named Oliver. (He's a rescue and he is a nice cat, who recently got a bow tie and looks adorable!) 
Panning out my own life is a struggle sometimes, trying to pan it out, plan, look into the future with somebody else requires more than writing out your feelings on the internet.  On one hand it's not so bad because my best friend will always be there with me, but on the other hand, it's dooming because you feel like if you go down, you are taking that other person with you. 
I never thought I'd be here. Of course, we all can say that about some point in our lives. I feel like the decisions that I have made lately will take me on a course that I never dreamed of. Which is not bad. It seems scary and I'm scared of crashing to my death, but just before I hit the rocks, God picks me up again. I am trusting in him to make my life something beautiful. 
To be honest, I have a fear of my life, my story being boring, pointless, but I pray everyday that that doesn't happen. Getting married is a huge milestone for anybody; but for me I had, at one time, a notion that it would hold me back, that my life would just stop and everything I wanted for me would never happen. But I have spent time and time again with God pouring my heart out, telling him my fears, asking for help, and I am ready to spend my life with Israel. We aren't perfect, but we aren't alone. All of the things I wanted for me I can have with him and together, we can experience so much more. 

*hands out tissues* *steps off of pulpit* 






Tuesday, April 2, 2013

There is no date set.

hello Internet world! 

The last time I was here I posted a long, personal rant that could probably have been left unsaid. But at the time, it was something I felt like I needed to get off my chest. It was one of those "big purple elephants in the room" situations. 

But, we won't rehash. 

My life is in a monotonous full swing; School, job hunting, and this wedding looming in the background. 

I say looming because I have no idea where to begin. Honestly, we still have some major decisions to make and make permanent. The only thing I know is that I want lots of candlelight and I have a semi-playlist together. 
When it comes to wedding-planning, I have tons of questions; how am i supposed to pay for all this? why are photographers so expensive? do the guests have to eat? you want how much for that dress?! do you like this color? what do you mean you don't care?! well what color do you like? 
And then you have people, who with good intentions I'm sure, give their two cents, which usually sounds something like this: do what you want, so you don't have any regrets. 
So when I try to take this advise I am fought with every step of the way. 
I've gotten to the point where I have no idea what I want or I just can't afford what I want. 
 
I'm starting to think if I had planned this when I was seven, life most girls, I wouldn't be so confused. Moreover stressed out because I'm trying to write a paper at the same time I'm trying to pick a date and a cheap venue. 

OH, in case you are wondering, WE HAVE NOT SET A DATE.  

I have been asked that like 100 time, no joke. 

I didn't intend to update you on my unplanned wedding details, but there you go. 

Have a great Tuesday! 

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Publicly Stated Disgust

I just want to publicly state how disgusted I am. Disgusted with this whirlwind that has become my life.
I would rant to friends/family.. etc., but I'm sure by now they are tired of hearing it. Hell, I'm tired of hearing it, but it's like it WON'T GO AWAY!!!  It just haunts me around every turn. Knocking me down and taking my breath away.

By now, you're like, WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT? WHAT WHIRLWIND?

As I think I have mentioned before, Israel was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. (referred to as JDub-Land, by one youtuber.) He has semi-recently left the organization. Just so that's clear.

Well his immediate family is still going strong.. apparently.
(but probably not because I know for a fact that they break the rules too, but you don't see anybody shunning them. Please tell me how the hell you "don't celebrate Christmas", and yet, you watch Christmas movies and go to Christmas events? umm.. hypocrite?)

*Side note: if you leave the organization you are to be shunned by the JW's (no contact whatsoever. none. this is what is expected..)  because you have turned your back on the one true god/religion and you are damned to an eternity of.. well I guess just sleeping forever because they don't believe in hell.

His mother does speak to him some. Which is great!
His brother and sister-in-law however, do not.  Of course as soon as his family found out we were dating (funny story, ask me!) kinda stepped back because he was a "baptized brother" and I am (according to them) a "worldly girl".

I could give you the really long story of how he told his sister-in-law that he was leaving JDub-Land and how she turned right around and told his brother, before he had a chance to tell to the family himself..but I won't bore you with that. Cause I may break my keyboard with frustration.
Not to mention that she threatened to tell his mother within a certain amount of time if he didn't because it said to do so in some stupid handbook.

Anyway, last night we were out to dinner with a couple members of his family (a cousin and aunt) and guess who comes in! You betcha, loving bro and sis-in-law. I almost choked on my sesame seed kitty kat. Wouldn't you know they came right up to the freaking table and spoke to no one except his aunt. I mean are you freaking kidding me?! Seriously?! I could give two shits if they ever spoke to me again. But your own brother?! I find it disgusting. I don't see how people get off treating their blood and flesh like that.
I think the saddest thing was Israel's nephew came running up to him and was showing off a new toy he got. Just pure innocence, a kid happy to see his uncle. And it was awkward because the rest of us didn't know what to do. You can't snub the kid, he's innocent as far as I'm concerned.

My blood has just been boiling for days. I can't shake it.
On top of all this.. the night before me and Israel were laying down and you could here the rain on the window pane. And for a moment it was wonderful. I said "aw, it's romantic." He got this pained look on his face and said "it reminds me of my brother." And that was it. Another moment ruined among the countless others. And I can't blame him for this because I know he lives with this pain everyday.

The religious difference has always been a bit of a problem, but it feels like since he's left it, there has been more of a stress because of all the other factors it brings.

Oh, and for just in case you didn't know: we are engaged and living together!
Most people aren't thrilled about that second part, so keep you comments to yourself. I've already been informed that "I'm living in sin."
The first part I'm thrilled about! However, when I start thinking about planning a wedding or anything about it I get so weighed down because it's so bittersweet. Mostly bitter lately. I can't please everybody and with all this obstacles, it seems we can't even please ourselves!

These past few days I keep thinking is it always going to be like this? Will I always feel this burden? All this frustration, this.. injustice? Will it ever just be good?  

And I know some of you are thinking Trust God, pray, Believe that He will change it. 
I do pray. But sometimes it feels like I'm talking to the wall, or that I'm so caught up in my anger that God won't except my pleas.
Well.. that's another post for another day. 

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

first post of 2013

The past month/ new year has flooded my brain with so much confusion that sometimes I just feel numb. To be perfectly honest with you. 

Yesterday, I got to thinking (naturally..) what if I'm just bored with my life? I felt this terrible sense of dread, yet at the same time knew I wasn't scared of anything. I just feel so weighed down by the mundane that has become my life. So many changes have taken place, and everything is starting to settle and my inner self is screaming at the top of her lungs WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU SURE WE ARE READY FOR THIS??! 
And everyday I hang my head a little lower and say I have no clue. 

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things that are going great! 
However, we, as mere mortals, all know that the bad almost always outshines the good. 

I never pictured I'd be where I am today. 
(Story of my life)

But then again, isn't that one of life's greatest mysteries? 


Amongst my inner turmoil, life is in full swing. My second semester at Pembroke is going nicely so far. The only complaints I have so far are brief: 
1. I signed up for an extra online class.. so far = big mistake. 
2. My economics class about brings me to tears everyday because it's so boring. 
3. I got a ticket today because I have yet to get a parking pass. (But I assure you, this problem will be rectified asap.)