Wednesday, May 27, 2009

well i found this among my drafts...

three pills to many make my teeth chatter and my body shake.

one hug from you and i am ready to jump in the sack.

too many thoughts and i cant fall asleep.

seven days a week i go through trapted in the same routine.

rebellious motives move though me like a hurricane

calm the waters and i will be still if only for moment.

Monday, May 11, 2009

from time to time... i sit and stare out the window and wait for something to happen. i daydream... i put together scenes that one day i might put in my book.. or not. sometimes when i stare out the window i have my ipod in.. ok most of the time i have my ipod in. i listen to the music and imagine myself in the crowd or up on stage.. do you ever do that? .. i think of people and what i want to say to them or what i want them to say to me.. have any of these daydreams came true?... no. but i can still hope and still hold them there. ... most of the time in my mind i am in control.. i can control my environment.. most of the time. .. sometimes not.. sometimes i just wish there were no more people.. cause where there are people there are problems. big problems. ..with problems come frustration.. some people shut down.. or freak out....sometimes when i am having a bad day and the right person says the wrong thing.. i snap! ... i have had several outburst this year.. but shh. .. if i was calm and put together... things would be all to calm and dull. .. that what makes us us.. or me me and you you. ..thank God i am not you and our are not me. ... that would be all to awkward. .sometimes when i think i think of where i will be in 10-12 years... in a loft in NYC.. ocean front on the coast of FL.. of possibly in the dazzling lights of Paris.. and sometimes i think of where the people around me will be.. rocking on stage... flipping burgers.. that i will purposely order complicatedly. . working at a doctors office with a very made up and oh so fake smile :) ... or in the slums with all the weed in the world! ... aim high rockingham! ...sometimes when i think.. i think of sleeping for forever... so i will start now.. but end in the morning.. until next time.. when my head is full of thoughts.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

today

"its just one of though days when you don't wanna wake up, everything is fucked, everybody sucks!"
words i live by the past few days. i think am going to take a trip back to my hole. i ventured out and the sun is starting to burn.
my stomach hurts, my chest is in a knot my hands are sweaty, my feet are ready to run far away! i cant run though. i have duties to attend to. my worldly reliance's are gone. in the trash, far away... however there is one thing i have saved for very desperate times, and i tell you my friends i am feeling very very desperate. weather i will engage is undecided.
a kiss on the cheek, a stab in the back, a blow to the face, these are the things that make the world go round. i wake up to a tear stained pillow. when i cry in my sleep it hurts to wake up in the mornings. to know that i have to face the world again seems like the biggest challenge of all.
fight fight fight!
i will destroy the enemy. or destroy myself in the process. the fight is long and hard but i will strive.
the enemy is beautiful, ugly, skinny, fat, little manhood, big girlhood, brown hair, blue eyes, smart, dumb, funny, not so much, it inhabits this world everyday shaking up my life!
today i cried. i laughed, i got aggravated, i calmed down.
i am yearning for escape... but to where?