i never realized how much i needed the darkness. how much i clinged to it, depended on it to get me through the day. it told me things. lies that i believed and held on to for dear life. things were hidden with the darkness.
but now the darkness is gone. i am stripped bear. nothing to hide behind, nothing to cover my sin.
when a razor blade cuts you it slices the skin open so you can see whats inside. the blood dribbles out and creates a satisfying feeling. but after that a raw numb feeling approaches and settles over the body leaving the mind to run to the darkness and hide. i will never use another razor blade again.
the darkness blocks things. mostly the shame. instead of looking down upon yourself you feel a sense of pride. but when the darkness leaves the shame falls, heavy like an angry summer storm. pulling you down replaying every memory in slow motion. tears that once were stored far away come easy as breathing.
i never realized how much i was hidden away inside myself. how much i depended on the darkness to bring me happiness, instead of the light.
i am raw and numb and i feel stuck in a place where i have left the darkness and walking towards the light.
i have faith that things will get better. things are getting better. i can breathe without feeling a pang in my chest, just dicy nerves but those will pass. i know i have purpose. with every new day will come a new morning and a restored hope. i fill my lungs with air and let the remaining tears fall.
"the light came into the darkness, but the darkness didnt understand it."
with a cleansed mind i am beginning to understand the light.
i plan on never relying on the darkness again. only the light.