sometimes i forget that i used to...

I've seen "A Raisin in the Sun" 5 times now, (I'm running lights for the community show)and I still have four more shows to do! Not that I'm complaining (ok, maybe a little). I don't know what my problem was tonight. I couldn't focus on the play, it felt like it was never going to end. 


Every time I see the show I get something out of it. It makes you realize how much family is important. But then it gets your wheels turning about your family and how messed up it is. 
Mommy and Daddy are always at each others throats, your always fighting with your little sister, never see your big sister, nor your grandmother for that matter, and let's not even bring up the fact that there is always Daddy's girlfriend lurking in the background to sweeten the deal. 
I start to think about all that, and then I stop because it makes me sick on my stomach. 
My crack pot family( just for the record its only OK when I call them that!) stresses me out, but there not the only ones. School has not been going well either lately. I can't focus at work. I can't hardly eat. 
You know something is up when a fat chick can't eat. I take a few bites and I'm nausea. 
I feel myself slipping, maybe it's just the weather. 
Maybe not. 


Sometimes I forget that I used to fantasize about death. I wanted to die desperately. I'll catch myself off guard thinking about it. I was telling a friend the other day that I believe that once that evil has come upon, it never fully goes away. You get over it, in a sense where your life goes on, but deep down in you it will always be there. Not dominate, but dormant, lurking, to remind you. What it reminds you of is personal: shame, guilt, anger... the list could go on and on.
But on the bright side of that, we have Hope, wherever you find it: family, friends, religion, the beach, books, music, animals,..the list could go on and on. 
I choose to find my hope in all of those things ( which is why I listed them. muahah).


I didn't exactly mean to go this direction, but it was on my mind, and it has been awhile since we've discussed anything "deep". 

Happy Ending

Ever think to yourself, "I watch too much tv"? 

Me too! 

However, the thing that sets me apart from you is that I'm always thinking to myself "I read to much" (which we all know is crazy talk! that can never be done!)  

Every time I get around somebody that I "like", my inner 8th graders takes over and I turn into this daydreaming dope. I start playing silly love songs and pretending my life is going to "take off."

FYI- the "taking off" part has yet to happen. 

Along with the silly songs, I also have this thing where I wish on every star that my life will turn out like a Sara Dessen book. ( great YA books!) 

There is always a girl (me) with some sort of issue (also me) and a boy (not to be named). They bond and form this awesome relationship ( yay for friendship!) and you start to think towards the middle of the book, finally they are going to be together. But no! There is always some falling out (with me that is bound to happen), however the book gods shine on them and they end up happily ever after ( at least that's what you are left with. you never really know because she hardly ever writes sequels.) 

I'm at the stage of the bonding and forming of said relationship. And unlike the lucky ladies in the books, I know early on that I like the said unnamed boy. I know it, and I think about it waaayyy too much. 

I've gone through this process countless times and have yet to have a happy ending. (Of course with the divorce rate skyrocketing, not a lot of people are experiencing that lately. which is kinda irrelevant right now..) 

I'm waiting, and getting impatient, for my happy ending! I want a truly novel romance. And not some hot and heavy sex story. I want depth, connection. A traveler, (a tall traveler!) with mysterious eyes. 

The song "All I Ask of You" from The Phantom of the Opera pretty much sums it up. 

caution: doom and gloom

i refuse to cry anymore.. i stopped that a long time ago. 
i have had several meltdowns, as i call them, in front a very dear friend of mine and every time i apologize for crying. he said not to worry about, its good to cry. 
my well is all tapped out. 
where is all this coming from? 
where to start? 
divorce is never pretty for no one.. the drama is supposed to end with high school. they lied. 
the whole college thing, community or not, is starting to freak me out. bad. 
work.. is not what i expected it would turn out to be. 
not to mention the misc. turmoil i'm in... 


my life is a bit flipped right now. instead of handling it i'm just sitting back watching things fall and crash.. thats not helping. but its all i have energy for as of right now. 


"i have tasted the apathy, its bitter on my lips.."- D.D 


yes i know this is a bit of doom and gloom.. 
i need to snap out of it.
i'm trying. i think a good nights sleep and some red bull therapy tomorrow... and some prayer.. will help. 

Warning: depressed rant!

today i question my self worth.. not like "to be or not to be" .. what i mean is that all this petty drama taking place in my life, when does it end? will the madness ever stop? when does it cross the line at petty into down right dangerous. 

by petty drama i mean when will my mother get over the fact that her and my dad are no longer together? why can't she work out her issues and move on? why does she have to bring me down with her? so many more question i could ask but for these i have no answers. I'm all cried out. i can only wear a tired expression. simply because i am tired. I'm tired of all the frustration. .  this may not seem petty but to me, in this situation, you'd think if you weren't happy and you got the chance to start over you would seize the opportunity and create a whole new world for yourself, instead of bringing all your dirty garbage into a new house. (literally!) 

Where is this coming from, you ask? Maybe your not ever asking that. Don't you just love how I assume that you care about my stupid problems? Ha. Assume nothing! I should know that by now.. any who.. if you do care I'll tell you where this is all coming from. A condensed version of course. 

I'm graduating in June. Thank you Lord. 

I have eight tickets. 

I have more than eight people that want to sit in the heat and watch me snatch my diploma away from the principle. 

The biggest problem... my dad wants to bring his girlfriend. 

Doesn't bother me.. she is nice.

Bothers my mother.. she is being a bitch.

My mother came in the door screaming at me about it yesterday.

I left and ran to my dads ( I wanted to go to granny's but she wasn't home.. I just had to get out)

There of course is more to this story but you can fill in the blanks.. Its tiring to relive it all again. But the worst part is yet to come because when I got home last night she didn't say anything to me. Same this morning. Which I know what will probably happen.. but that won't be enough. Not this time.

Hair, Drama, Pettiness

Some days I have really bad days. Like everybody else. But then there are other day when I have really good days. And then I have these random days out of the blue where my hair just decides its going to be awesome. Friday happened to be one of those days. See that hottie other there? Yep that's me. Check out that bang action. It was so awesome I had no choice but to take a million pictures of myself on my camera phone. I uploaded a few more on facebook. ( go look at them and lust over the hair! and comment! ) My hair is easily my favorite feature. It was super long when I was a kid. And then in the eighth grade I decided to copycat my cousin and cut it really short. One of the worst ideas of my life. Seriously. Easily one the top five worst mistakes. But ALAS! After about 4 years its finally getting some good length back on it. I love it :)

Now that I have ranted about my hair (which you are now jealous of) let me pour out of my soul the drama that has taken place over the last few day(s). As you know.. I'm pretty sure  you know... my parents are going through a "civil" divorce. ha! (please hint the sarcasm) Actually its pretty gross but, I digress. My dad has a girlfriend/mistress/ lady thing. And my mother hates it for various reasons. But anyways he is basically living with her and there has been some debate about me and my little sister maybe going to live with him.. which my mother also hates. I have decided I'm not going to live with him. Ever. However my little sister is still entertaining the idea. Sometimes she goes to stay with him and that basically throws an atomic bomb in my mothers face. Well Saturday my sister and mother went to the store and everything was OK. I was in the shower when they got back and all I heard was screaming. They came in the door auguring and I could hear my sister screaming and crying. (my little sister has this thing where if she doesn't get her way she freaks the hell out and ruins everybodys day.) Apparently she didn't get her way and they were fighting over the phone because she had already called my dad fussing about my mom. Mother took the phone away.. which made it worse. Somehow she got a phone and called him. After she got off the phone she announced she was going to stay with him that night and then she was going to live with him. My poor mom gets all out of whack when this crap happens. She thinks its a direct attack on her and from my little sister's POV it may be but, I don't think it is. And I could be wrong. ( I hate saying that) That episode was wonderful. I personally think that if she does leave it can only make things better. That sounds mean but it would take away from the fussing and fighting. I love my little sister I do but.. dang. You put her attitude in a room with my mom and my dad on top of it... BOOM! I could go on and on but I'm beginning to bore myself.      

I also have another problem. My friends are beginning to get on my nerves. I have a couple of friends that I never saw everyday and now I get to see them a lot. Like just about everyday. I love them to death but there are some things they really don't get about me. One friend trys to finish my sentences a lot and never gets it right. It so annoying! This other friend is wonderful but she talks a lot. And she always steals my thunder! well not always.. but in cases like this: we both like the same boy but she doesn't know that yet. before I could muster up the nerve to tell her I sorta kinda like him (which I shouldn't really like him but that's a different post!)  she tells me she likes him. and that's not even fair because I don't want her to think I stole the idea and she already has a freaking boyfriend! It may seem like I take them for granted and I try not to think these thoughts but sometimes I honestly cant help it. ( this paragraph may come across as petty and immature.. but, I was born this way! )