I've learned..

I have learned over the past several years ( because I'm so old and wise, I "know things" now) that life is constantly changing. Even if you live in the same dead beat town your whole life, you're always moving to a different stage of life. Sometimes it feels like you've leveled up, and sometimes it feels like you been sent to jail, not passing go, not collecting two hundred dollars. Sometimes you can't even collect two dollars. 

I have also recently learned that you can want something so much you can taste it. And then you get it and it leaves a bitter taste in you mouth. You want to give it back and ask the waitress to bring you tea instead of coke. Well in life, a lot of times there is not waitress to change your order, so you have to sneak back to the kitchen and do it yourself. And then sometimes you get caught by the bus-boy and you have to choke down the coke for the time being. 

Right now I'm at a stage in life where I'm trying to teach myself that sometimes you have to choke down the coke because you might like the taste eventually. Or it could be like beer and no matter how much you try to choke it down your stomach turns and you want to puke. 

If you're wondering where all this is coming from... 

I feel like school is kicking me in the butt right now... more like giving me a swirly in the boys bathroom.

 My first big assignment in my English class was to write a paragraph. Just one paragraph. We worked on them in class, in the lab, and got help from the teacher. I had three drafts of this one stupid paragraph and I got a freaking C. I know it wasn't perfect, but  I felt like my grade could've been a little better. 

Not to mention the first quiz I got a D on. And how bad I'm doing in my math class... 

I hate school. 

I said I wanted to be a English teacher... Umm... Needless to say, I'm rethinking that.     

I feel like giving up on school altogether. 

But I've learned that that just makes it worse.

 I'm choking down bad grades, a rough teacher, this semester, in hope that it will get better.                                                                                                                                                                                                  

Trust No One

"i like her as a friend, but not like that."

" oh shit."

You may or may not be wondering how those two quotes are related. If you are, I can tell you that what you are thinking is wrong. Those two phrases single handily ruined my life.. err my love life anyways. ( you know the non existent one) As I talk about this I feel the depressing anxiety rising up in my chest.

The first one was from a boy who was my first and biggest crush ever. besides John Cooper but that really will never happen because he is married.. anyways! I liked him so much I was sure he liked me and one day I made the mistake of telling one of my girl friends. (BAD MOVE) She was in band with him and somehow I came up in conversation so, she decided to tell him I liked him. He answered her with that. I was so pissed at her I couldn't see straight. This happened is 8th grade by the way. Not only were my insecurities of liking a boy on the table, now my doubts were confirmed and I knew I had no chance with him. ( Being fat and in middle school as a girl is hard enough, throw a boy in there and it makes everything worse.) So needless to say nothing ever came from that. I had heard that phrase before countless times but when its directed at you its like a boulder falling on you. This boy and I are not friends and when I see him I still freak out.

The second phrase ( I really don't think this is safe but it might as well be told) came from my friend. Literally, he was like my best friend. I always liked him a little and our families always picked on us about being a couple. Well in ninth grade my friend Rachel convinced me to tell him how I felt. I finally had texting so I sent the text and it wasn't just a simple text saying "i lik u" it was some freaking rant about love! I'm so ashamed of myself. So I sent the text and he replied with that. I cried and that was the beginning to the rocky-ist friendship on the face of this earth. And here's the best part I found out later that he was/is gay. Yep. Just keeps getting better. It hurt my feelings so bad. "Hurt" I use loosely cause it really scared me for life.

That's why I have issues with boys and that's why I will never admit to anybody when I like somebody. I get so weird about it. It drives me nuts. The fear and anxiety I get thinking about hearing any of those words again just makes me want to die. Add that on top of all the other issues I have and you get a nut job!
I had more things I was going to say but now the thoughts escape me. Its early in the day.. I'm sure I'll be back later to write something else.