original quotes :)

you can drop me, but imma bounce back up, kick you to da curb and keep on stepping :)

yep. i def came up with that all by myself. and its so awsome because its true.
people come and go out of your life all the time. sometimes it hurts, others not so much.

its the times when there is a person you think will never leave.. but when they do..
that hurts like a bitch.
nothing nessacarily has to happen.. but rather things can unfold, if you will, or take a different path.
awkwardness sets in, people start to get uncomfortable or their ego takes over and they shut down. and eventually leave.

in my situation all of these things took place.
im not dropping names and im not going to go into details..
me and this friend were friends for a long time. i thought we had something that would last. friendship wise.
we hit high school and like a cookie our friendship started to crumble.
we started to meet new people and our tastes started to differ. at first this bugged me, but then i understood we were just growing into who we are as seperate people.
over the summer we didnt really talk but as school came around so did we.
but as the year has progressed we just seem to be growing farther apart. however it wouldnt be so bad if this so called friend were straight up with me right..
when you are fake as snow at the mall.. thats what pisses me off. i cant stand that. i wear my feelings on my sleeves so people pretty much always know how i feel and what i think..
awkward meetings in wal mart have never been my thing and if this is how the friendship will go on..
i quit :)

Merry Christmas??

"there singing deck the halls, but its not like christmas at all. i remember when you were here and all the fun we has last year.."

love love love that song.

Christmas has come but its not gone yet. The joy of the jolly season is not preasent for me this year. I have a gratefull spirit but I can say I'd rather be elsewhere. Somewhere far away.

I got a wii :)
Really kickass jewerly.
A notebook.
and some other things that i cant think of at the moment. Christmas waspretty good.

Tomorrow we will have Christmas at my grandmaws. Im so excited for that :)

This year has been so messy and shitty...
Im ready for a new start..
Hopefully I wont screw it up. And if i do... story of my life.

Ive been thinking so much about my mema this year. and my grandpa. i feel as if i have all these repressed memories. like things i think i remember but maybe not.. its very frustrating.
i wanna bring it up but i swear when i see my mom cry it makes me want to throw up.

I have these morbid thoughts of my grandmaw dying and when i think of that it makes me so frazzeled..
i just try not to think about that.. to much to bear.

ok not going there..

My life is def. not a Disney flick..

if the shoe fits

then by all means she's a bitch...

this cliche feeling of everything i do going unnoticed is getting old.

everyday its something i didnt do, i should've done, or i was sussoposed to do.

the guilt trips are old. you can keep my ticket cause there's no freaking way im bording that train..

if you think its going to work, your imagination obviously doesn't stretch very far.

the day is almost over then the next will pass too. some fast or some slow, either way they go. bye bye.

these days i hopefully wont regret. my mind is to focused on the days ahead.

today is dec 21! wtf?

So the other day i hopped on here and was going to write this long post and now i cant even remember what is was going to say... (that happens a lot)

on dec. 19 i was writting in my journal and i was just kinda shitting around with this line i had in my head...
its not really that good i dont think.. kinda lame.. but im going to post it anyway and i trust you'll give my feed back.


Cut
Shut
Your eyes
And let the poison set in
Blood boils as heat sets in
Troubles will remain
Visable forever
Cut
Shut
Your heart
And let the hate flow
Skin Crawls as sinister words flow out
Cut
Shut
The life support

it might could be something if i did some work to it.. but i will save that for another day.

So i was going through the journal i have now the other day i got this wave of rage run through me. It was like some demonic force.. lol. I got mad cause I started thinking about my blue notebook. My notebook. The one that was almost finished! The one that had some much shit in it. Carried my life on the lines my blood (litterally), dreams, nightmares, thoughts, everything. I guess it doesn't really make since getting upset about.. but god! my freakig notebook. I let my freakig guard down and let some dummy tell me to get rid of it.. that the stuff in it was no good for me.. well all the stuff in there was me!
K. I can't dwell on that now.. no need to get even more upset.

Right now I'm not really upset I just don't feel that good.

OMG!! I almost forgot to inform you. I got this brochure from Berklee advertising their summer programs.. and they have a vocal summit. Its expensive as hell. But I was telling grandma about it and she said if i can raise some of the money she'll help me out with the rest :) OMFG!
I was telling my mom about it and how I was really serious about wanting to go. She basically told me I couldn't go because I'm not an "entertainer" in my coummunity. Which is bull shit. I have as much a shot as anyone else. Nicole got one to so I am goig to try to convince her to go to.
Not going to get my hopes up real high, but at least this is startig to look a little more realistic :)

 

today sucked...

if i could cast all my cares on your mom i would.
i prayed last night before i went to bed. i asked God to fix this thing that i have going on right now... that thing where i put my foot in my mouth with my friends.. yea. i know to be patient. and im trying but its really hard to walk around with all this awkwardness.
this is one of the times when i really wish i could read minds. if i just knew what they were thinking then i could know what to say or do to get the healing process along.

you know that gives me and idea.. about a book i mean.
like i've been thinking awhile about getting in the zone to write like creating a whole new world. so i just got the idea that my world could be where someone can read minds.. humm have to think more on that. and sont be some kinda reatarded weenie and take my freaking idea.. not cool dude.

im so tired. i want to go to bed. not that there is anything stopping me.
im stressing over this paper i have to write thats due friday... even though that im not going to start till tomorrow.. i have some questions i for mrs. B and things that need to be cleared up.

fuck.

your freaking mother goes to freaking college!

today sucked!
ever had them days where you say something that is completely stupid and just fucks the whole universe over? well today i had one of those days. shit! i hate that. if i could take it back i would.. so yea today i have some regrets.. im trying to shrug it off as whatever, but i dont think that is going to work this time.

anyway im not going to ramble on that...
today in english we ahd this really cool assigment to write a poem. sounds boring but the process was fun.
and plus im sorta kinda proud of my poem. :)
it started with writing little sentences like i see blah blah or i taste blah blah and so on and so forth.
then it gave you instructions to add similies and personification, you get the drift.
at the end it said that once you were done what you have left if "true poetry", which is what i named my poem.


"True Poetry"

I find myself standing in Times Square
Jazzy lights justify
Blurring, busy, beautiful people
Omnipresent car horms roar like
Vibrant music that pulses through the city like a heartbeat
International foods dance through the streets and give us
A different life
Dreary fumes hug the air like a high school heat break
Haunting, memorable, meaningless, memories
Vigoriously alive
Awaited freedom I received like a criminal set free

 -emg

my future is so bright i hope it melts your face!

ok ok ok.

so lately i have been thinking a lot about college.
i am so ready to get out of this town, out of my house! ready to learn and see the world.. er at least more of north carolina.

i would really like to go to school out of state.. but umm i dont have that special power to pull money out of my ass. so i have narrowed my sights to UNC Ashville. now this is not a dead set thing. but its looking pretty good. i want to go to school for creative writing and i wanted to study music technology but there's a problem. i cant play anything.. so not going to cut that out of my life goals just yet.. just out of my college ones. well this time around. so i think i am going to study creatvie writing and something in the dramatic arts. cause i really like acting and singing and that whole world.

so the past few days i have laid out of school.. literally all i have done is lay around the house.. and its getting boring. today i feel better but not ready to tackle school yet, tomorrow though. i promise. you are probably wondering whats wrong. its my back. i have an extra vertabre and a thin disk, and my pelvis is twisted. and it hurts! its been hurting for a while now but monday i sneezed in art and i pulled my back and now its hurt worse than ever. monday and tuesday were really bad, today not so much. i am going to get therapy again today and hopefully it willl start having a longer effect.

i'll be back later with something more productive...

*may contain spelling errors!*

the wind is really bad out there, not sure if this is good or not but my house just might take flight.. lol.
 so today as well as all of this week sucked. fuck. is fucked. my eyes are tired my face is swelled and my gray hair is gleming.
idk. it feels like stress but i dont like to admit to stress because everyone is always "stressed". if people would chill the hell out we would all be ok. and lately i feel anything but chill and ok. im never ok. never.
me me me. selfish, worthless, concetied me.  two of those adjectives were outside opions.. i promise.


its lame to go on and on about this shit i know.. but i just cant take it anymore. there are not enough pills to ease the pain and not enough sleep to take me away.
as much i want to i havent went back to old habits.. not yet anyway.. its getting harder and harder to say no to that sudective silver devil.


ive been reading ellen hopkins new book "tricks". its about prositution. and ive learned that sex is gross. like i seriously dont want anyone near my equipment.  :) unless of course mr. right comes along.. but who am i kidding, they all suck. and im not speaking just figuaritvly. but i feel bad for the people in the book. i just wanna wrap them in a hug and take them bowling. lol. something fun.
see people im not always a cold bitch. ... but i did just reach out kindness to fake personals.. wow. im crazy. and you can quote me on that.. i dont care.

im getting tired now. my brain had been racking all day.. and i still have three sheets to fold. ughh. curse the stupid sheets!! i dont wanna go to school tomorrow. i hate that place.. to many people. to many distractions.






one puff 
two cuts
three pills

life is not a thrill 
get real.
upside down
over and out
what we feel is
nothing real.

take and breath
and close my eyes
away from this world i fly.
up above the world so high
like a liar in the sky.

one puff
two cuts
three pills





figuarativly speaking of course... :)