Happy Ending

Ever think to yourself, "I watch too much tv"? 

Me too! 

However, the thing that sets me apart from you is that I'm always thinking to myself "I read to much" (which we all know is crazy talk! that can never be done!)  

Every time I get around somebody that I "like", my inner 8th graders takes over and I turn into this daydreaming dope. I start playing silly love songs and pretending my life is going to "take off."

FYI- the "taking off" part has yet to happen. 

Along with the silly songs, I also have this thing where I wish on every star that my life will turn out like a Sara Dessen book. ( great YA books!) 

There is always a girl (me) with some sort of issue (also me) and a boy (not to be named). They bond and form this awesome relationship ( yay for friendship!) and you start to think towards the middle of the book, finally they are going to be together. But no! There is always some falling out (with me that is bound to happen), however the book gods shine on them and they end up happily ever after ( at least that's what you are left with. you never really know because she hardly ever writes sequels.) 

I'm at the stage of the bonding and forming of said relationship. And unlike the lucky ladies in the books, I know early on that I like the said unnamed boy. I know it, and I think about it waaayyy too much. 

I've gone through this process countless times and have yet to have a happy ending. (Of course with the divorce rate skyrocketing, not a lot of people are experiencing that lately. which is kinda irrelevant right now..) 

I'm waiting, and getting impatient, for my happy ending! I want a truly novel romance. And not some hot and heavy sex story. I want depth, connection. A traveler, (a tall traveler!) with mysterious eyes. 

The song "All I Ask of You" from The Phantom of the Opera pretty much sums it up. 

slippers and coffee and book reviews

starting the morning off right, in my slippers and drinking a cup of joe.
my mom religiously puts sweet n low in her coffee, so when i started drinking, i too used it. but now that i have realized the after taste is disgusting.. i stick to just creamer. mmm it's delicious :) 


yesterday i worked for about two hours because my boss's mom fell and had to go to the ER for x-rays yesterday afternoon. talk about easing back into work. today, however, i feel like we'll pound out a good 6 hours. my bank account desperately needs them...
for some reason, i have a netflix account. (even though i'm back to my normal self and read more than i watch movies or tv) and i always forget that at the end of the month it sneaks out 8 bucks out of my account.(which is totally a cosmic joke, because the end of the month is also the "time of the month. no wonder i'm ready to commit suicide)  this month really sucked because i only had 8 bucks in my account and when i tried to swipe my card i almost had a heart attack when it declined. i checked when i got home.. sure enough netflix left me with .41 to my name. whew, i'm a broke hoe. 


but.. God always come through, doesn't he? because that day i got my Christmas present from grandmaw and it was handsomely green. 


if you like crime/mysteries/law novels, you should really check out Lisa Scottoline. I've read 2 of her books, and I going to start a third today.  Last night I finished "Daddy's Girl". (the name really throws off the actually story, I think) It's about a law professor  who gets involved in shady ongoings at a prison and intertwined in all of that she falls in love a fellow professor. It really was a page turner, and FYI I try not to use that term, but this book had a good level of suspense. The last 10 pages were the best plot twist ever! It made me mad, but it was good. *SPOILER ALERT! the hot professor turned out to be one of the bad guys! since you probably won't read it for yourself, I figured I'd go ahead and tell you. 


What's your favorite book, or can you even pick just one? 

man-candy

generally i panic and look down when i see boys that i like. i'm almost certain that it's a mental condition. 
however, as of late, i have been slowly cracking the shell open and making contact. 
this particular piece of man candy is in one of my classes at school. and for a while i've tried to make small flirty chit chat.. ( Lord help me!) at first, the only thing i did was stick my foot in my mouth, so i backed off. i have a tragic fear of rejection.. btw. 
after giving up, said man candy still noticed that i was on the planet, so often i give myself pep talks... and now that i have a plan of action the semester is over! i have really bad timing as well apparently. 
any who.. the other day i made great progress! i got out of my first class early and went i went to wait for my next one, guess who was sitting, ALONE i might add, man candy!
 i strolled right over to the couch and sat beside him. i grabbed his text book from his hand and threw it on the floor. before he could protest i grabbed his face in my hands and said in a very sensuous voice "i know you've been waiting for me" and i kissed him, in front of God and the computer geeks! 


..ok so we both know that really didn't happen. but wouldn't that have been amazing?!!! (yes, it would have) but i did go over there and sat across from him. i said "hey" i pulled out my book to read because i didn't want to look desperate. and to my surprise HE initiated conversation. we talked for like 30 mins before class. it was awesome :) 
baby steps. 
i have never admitted anything like this to anyone before(err.. at least publicly where it could come back to haunt me).. so feel special!! 
i want his number so bad i can taste the text messages. (too much?) 


will you look at this.. i'm losing my mind!! what has happened to Emily???!
*that is the though provoking question. 


ohh p.s! the best freaking part about this is he's tall!!! he has like 4 inches on me!! :) 

Sylvia Plath is in my book club

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.  From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked.  One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.  I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose.  I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.  ~Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar, Chapter 7




What can you say to begin digesting this? I find its hopeless ambition bittersweet. 
Have you ever reached a point in your life where there are so many things, ideally, that you would like to achieve? But you can't pick one and motivate yourself to reach the chosen goal. And then that poses the question, how do you pick just one? I think in today's society we don't have to. Everybody can be a triple threat. It just takes the will and drive ( *and daddy's money, and spreading your legs)to get it. 
We have wants and needs, yet lack motivation. 
And the really kicker is, some people don't have a lack of motivation. Some people see what they want and take it. Fear of failure is not on the list of conquering the world. 
I watched the movie about Sylvia Plath and now I feel a little obsessed with her. She was  a great and tortured mind.  I want to be a great mind! ( but i can't even write English papers... I dream big!) I also want to read The Bell Jar now. and and.. I want to start a book club. 


*strictly for sarcastic purposes only. i do not suggest you do these things to conquer the world. 

washing machines and plan B

yes, yes the background is washing machines.
why washing machines?
because i thought it was awesome! they have a whole slew of pictures to choose from.. you can even choose one of your own, which is amazing!
everything is subject to change.. i was trying stuff out. there were a lot of this (design template wise) that i hadn't messed around with in a while. i wanted to catch a power nap before class, but that doesn't seem like it will happen. plus i have issues with sleeping sitting up.
(i have issues with everything)
i'm hungry... i didn't really eat breakfast this morning and i'm feeling it now. by not really eating i mean, i had a cupcake but that does't really count.

so the library at school does this really awesome thing where they , i assume clean house per say, and give away old books for free. there is a huge stack of them by the door. i was going to check it out on my in, but there was this girl grading it with her life so i decided to hit it up on the way out.
i love libraries :) if this whole youth ministry thing doesn't work out, my back up plan is a librarian.
which i'm sure it will work out.. but its always safe to have a plan B.
have to ever noticed how many times a post i say BUT. i have.
i know its annoying.. i can contradict everything i say. not to sound cocky,  but doesn't that just make me a good thinker? that i can see both sides..err however many sides there are to things.
any who..
time for me to go readers.

what's your plan B? 

perfection is my enemy

of course i'm not in the right aca class that would make my life all to perfect. 
f. 
there is a special transfer class you have to take if you plan on transferring.. i thought i was in that class. nope. i'm in the other required aca. and what does accredited mean?? i hope credits at sandhills are accredited because they have to be to transfer to evangel. i wish i could have just gone this year... but no. that also would have made my life all to perfect. 
yes i realize that i'm a bit of a negative nelly this morning. i'm sleepy and i can't sleep. i tried get on the ball with this online class and i find out i'm not even in the right court! plus i'm supposed to be reading chapter 12 for english.. i left my book at school. 
perfection is my enemy


but despite all that.. the first two days of school actually went really good. yesterday i had a blast in my communications class. my world religion and history classes were pretty good. ironically my english class was the one that won an eyeroll. he talked the whole time.. and his voice sounds like a preacher.. it was putting me to sleep. but i couldn't fall asleep because i'm "one of those people" ,as my sister says, who sits at the front.  and he's one of those teachers who makes eye contact and its almost disturbing. 
today however, i have no school. i get to go to work. yay! (please hint the heavy sarcasm) its not that its that bad.. honestly, i'd rather be at school. 
yea i say that now.. give me a few weeks i may not be that enthused. 
hopefully not though. 

A God Thing

so i finally finished that book "A Disorder for Longing" and I was very pleased with its ending. Most of it was rather unexpected, which was great! as I've mentioned before the book talked a lot about passion but one thing I noticed was that at the end when Ada is in Brazil they tell her stories of this hidden African religion and she gets really into it, always wanting to know more. that was one thing that struck a chord in me and i wouldn't realize it until later. 

yesterday at church my pastor was reading an exert from some book and it was basically this guy having a conversation with God. Sometimes when you hear stuff like that I don't think people give it too much thought. but as i was giving it great thought, I started thinking I want to have conversations with God. I want to be closer to this invisible being I worship and declare I am going to devote my life to. all of a sudden all my past words felt empty and meaningless. I often feel very ignorant in my own religion, mostly cause I never take real time to read the bible.. which is weird don't you think seeing as how I read so much. I've been in this bunny trail for a while now and I'm trying to do something about it. 

just as Ada did wanting to know more about that African religion I felt a fire spark in me to learn more about my own. i should've realized this before but there is passion, or zeal if you will, to be found in the bible and in God. I realized but, it never registered I suppose. 

With all that.. yesterday when I finished the book I took a break and cleaned my room ( in some form of the word) and tried to decide what book to read next. I was debating on a Jackie Collins book or "Wicked" then I remembered I had that book "90 Minutes in Heaven". I decided on that one. I read the first few chapters last night and it was better than I thought it would be.

I'm taking a world religions class when I start school in the fall.. I'm not really sure what to expect but needless to say I'm excited about it!

passionate arsonist

ugghghghghghgg!!!
arrgg!!
blah blah blah..
jklsdfjklsdfjklklsdfjfrjksdfniovndfonsdvfnsdjiofwelkfnmsdjklvnasdmlcnasdjoasdm,fn scn

this is what i think and feel like as of right now.
i can come up with one particular reasons as to why i wanna pull my hair out and go arsonist on old buildings.
i know its not my period talking because that's over with and its not my lack of job ( because i have one now! )  its..well idk. i'm just frustrated with me i guess. and no this has nothing to do with a boy.. well ok that's a little bit of it. but that the one you're thinking of i assure you.

i'm still reading that book "The Disorder of Longing" and passion is a theme. having passion for life and love (sex) you know was basically forbidden for women in the late 1800's so Ada is just trapped in her lust for passion and she's drowning. I  don't feel like i'm drowning.. i just feel like there is still something missing. not like the lack of higher being love.. something i can't put my finger on yet.. that frustrates me. i feel like i got a good step into the real world but when does life being? when do you actually feel like your living?
is it when you basically sell your soul to the devil by getting married?
when you pop out a kid or five from said marriage?
when you work a dead beat 9-5 job?
( if this describes you, and offends you sorry..)
you get the point right?
same ole, same ole doesn't cut it.
when?
where?
how?
who?
what?!
passionate

sports poster vs. leather bound book

this is pointless and has nothing to do with what i'm going to talk about. but i've noticed that i'm not ugly. ( is that too bold? i mean i'm not saying i'm the most beautiful person in the world..) i'm just not photogenic. all my pictures suck. my mom recently put up some college picture frames on the walls and all the pictures of me are terrible! i have come to that conclusion and wanted to share it with you.

now that that revelation is out of the way: last night i had another dreadful sleep. i was up most of the wee hours tossing and turning and trying not to have an episode. ( it bothers me when i can't get to sleep)in the midst of my warding off an episode i was pondering over various topics of life and i started treading toward the topic  of boys then decide to make a U- turn. but on the way there the thought struck me that there are some people that belong in your life and some who don't. things as well as people. 

like oxygen belongs in your life... you need it to survive. 

crack doesn't really belong in your life.. you know, unless your mommy snorted up when you were in the womb and you born addicted to it. by all means snort away.*

same goes for people.

like your mom. you need her. no matter how many times she tells you to make your bed, even though we both know this is a pointless chore!

but the people we don't need in our lives are those that make us want to rip our hair out! 

or you know that guy who is really nice and means well but under circumstances he kinda creeps you out. plus he lives out of town and whats the point in trying to cook something up with somebody when you are planning on moving cross country next year? no point.

i don't think,OK i know he doesn't belong in my life. 

i used the example in my head last night that your life is like your room.. filled with things that belong. 

my bed. 

my books.

awesome wall art. 

if you had things that didn't belong your room wouldn't look right. 

life if i had a sports poster hanging up in my room. it would stick out like a sore thumb. 

that's how i feel like when i talk to said guy. like he's a sports poster.. doesn't fit and totally doesn't match my room. 

what i'm looking for is something like a leather bound book. maybe red or brown. full of depth. and substance. 

 

* for sarcastic purposes only