if i had a pen i would write in my notebook. if i had a notebook i would write down every thought that entered my mind. but i dont have a notebook. i have thoughts and i have a pen but no notebook.

sometimes i feel like need to come up for air. like this life is to much for me to handle. but where do i go for air? i have God. i know that nor do i want to hide that fact. God is this ginormous being who loves and saved me from all the worlds ugly. for that i am greatful. i want to devote my life to him but sometimes i trick myself into beleiving that it wont be possible. if you look around sometimes everybody seems to have it together. but i know better. nothing is as it seems. nobody has it together. nobody.
if i had the choice to end things right now, no strings attached.. no afterlife to worry about... i would end it. sometimes i still compemplate it but i know i wouldnt be right. i hate being sad and stuck in this rut called life. i hate it when people call me selfish. when they throw you that line of " think about us, we love you, we would miss you" i understand that. but you would get over it. you would move on and continue to roll with the punches. but when life throws me the punches i cant seem to duck or dodge them in anyway. they hit my square in the face and i let the hate and fear and sadness of thoughs punches fester deep inside me slowly pulling me down, slowly drawing me to the edge. in my head are things that i dont know where they come from. thoughts that have no place being in my head.
but God is there and i know that there is a way to overcome the punches. i know there is someone to heal the brokeness of me. sometimes it dosent seem like that at all. but in my knower i know he is. i have faith that things will get brighter and better in my future.

redbull high?

so I'm sitting here drinking milk out of my sisters HSM coffee cup trying to wrap my brain around anything that will stand still. ... nothing will and i know it.

today was good :)
i had a bio test that counted 8 times! and i made a 96! umm yea thats an A! and not only that but it was the highest grade in my class :)
yep yep yep!
i had Chinese for dinner, that was cool. hung out with my cuzos for a while= awsomeness.
however i did leave my piano book at school. im kinda bummed about that but its all good.

im sleepy but i dont want to go to sleep, does that make since?
- i dont know either.

ok now i have a bad after taste. yuck!

omg! funny story. the waiter at the resturant was high. my mom was like "emily how di you know that?" i was like " haha. mom some of my good friends are drugies.".

i dont really like the fact that they drugs but i cant point a finger cause i def. have my bad habits.
anyway. i guess i will go to bed now....

silly me was waiting for a text or phone call from a certain someone, but do you think he did. nope. and thats ok. i guess. i will just go to besd wallowing in tears.. lol. umm NO! thats a lie. i cry over no man. well there is one but we arent going there tonight.

i think im high. .....? but its too soon to know if i feel myself crashing later i will let you know.

sleep well bloggers. ..or readers. or losers. or teachers. or preachers. or beaters. or meaters. or boogers. :):):):):):):)

goodnight.

*the yellow is the spel check. hahaha*

random stuff from inside my noggin.

poetic spurts come and go like the wind.
my head is soo freaking filled with shit i cant even remember what i had for breakfast.. ( yes i do. i didnt eat :) .. if you are at least a semi-normal human you get what im saying.

i have homewrok to do but i work better after dark. lol. that sounds kinky ;) (JK)
and i need to practice keybored... which i am finally playing. thanks be to God ( seriously. props man:) however i need to rant some first!!
sometimes at night i talk to myself ( dont tell anyone!) it helps me to settle down.
dont know why said that just thought you should know. :)

may is coming right around the corner and im soooooo freaking excited!! yea bby!
first we have the stellar kart concert :)
then we have a lock-in @ me church
and then at the house of blues we have RED and papa roach!! !
oohh yess bloggers i amm soo ready!! going to be great :)
you cant hear it but i just screamed!

stuck on the sad issues.

and yet i still can't seem to pick up the pen to write in a notebook. my notebook is still sitting wasting away in the trashcan. not burned to ashes because my dad has yet to burn the trash. saddens me. absolutely enrages me that its in there! and not under my bed where it belongs. my notebook was blue, well it was a composition book. blue. and in the square in the middle i had "i rock therefor i am" but then later on i got so into my darkness i wrote "wicked sin" on it. that was kinda crazy coming from a new perspective. sometimes when people think things they push them away cause they know some thoughts are meant to be kept unthought. but for me the notebook was where i could escape in my head and think, write, thoughs unthinkable thoughts. when i would take it to the pond and write i would put leaves in it or smear things in it. on one page is water, or blood, one page even had chocolate on it. lol. i wrote the word fuck everywhere in it. the day i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety i devoted a whole page to the word fuck and bashing the therapist. that doesn't upset me anymore. it used to bother me. what bothers me now is when people call me crazy or when they know i got to a shrink and they act weird about it. what hurts is when people look at me weird after they know. they don't treat me like Emily anymore. anyways.... i guess no need to dwell on it but i most likely will.
so look for more notebook dwelling to come.
tata. :)

Nelly, Elliott, and Mac

My ducks are the cutest things ever!
They live outside in a pin most of the time, however, I bring them in a lot to play with them.
My duck, Nelly, has a pink nose and does not like to be by herself.She and Elliott are the white ducks. ( there is a more sciencitific name but i cant think of it right now. ) The other ducks are my cusions, but i raise them and clean up poop, so they are technically mine. :) There names are Elliott and Mac. Mac is a mallard.
Between you and me I think Nelly and Elliott have a little something going on. ;)
Sometimes we fill the bathtub up with water and let the swim in there. They swim all around it, like there own personal pond. There is a pond below my house but I'm scared to take them there because there are snakes and I don't like the possibility of them being duckie stew.



My little sister also got a bunny. His name is Yoda. :) My sisters and I wanted to name him Steve, but mom wasn't down with that. But she liked Yoda so there you go. He's kinda the dominant animal over our little petting zoo. This morning when we put them in the cage thats on the ground, Yoda got out. At first we were scared but then we found him in the flower bed in the front yard. :)

i tried to add a pic. but my computer is being retarded. but Yoda is a cutie :)

my notebook.

i would normally write this in my notebook but.. what had happened was...

on Thursday's at my church we have rock solid outfitters. its just when teens can get together and hangout, and spend time with God. so anyways, i wasn't going to go that night but i did. and we were in praise and worship and I started feeling really sick. i could feel the "demon" or something picking at me. my first reaction was to RUN! but i knew that wasn't right so i sat down and began to pray. people started praying for me and i really thought i was going to up-chuck. i finally did run ..literally run... i was so scared of something i could only see in my head! my youth leader came in and prayed for me and i felt it leave.. this sounds like some bull reading it but it was worse going through it. .. i can breathe without my chest hurting but I'm scared it will come back.

the reason i say that was because that "demon" or whatever it was, all it darkness and all its crap was in my notebook. that notebook was my life i loved that thing like it was my child. and i had to get rid of it. i had to burn it! i know that all that stuff was bad but it was stuff i went through. rocks in the road of my life!! its frustrating.

the worst thing is that i cant seem to write anything without crying. i feel like I'm backstabbing my notebook.

when we went to burn it the thing wouldn't burn it was just laying in the barrel. i wanted to go back and get it but i knew that would be wrong.

i don't even know where i was going with this! fuck. :)

i have to go clean my room.. until i have something else to say..

ta-ta !!

" the light came inot the darkness but the darkness didnt understand it."

i never realized how much i needed the darkness. how much i clinged to it, depended on it to get me through the day. it told me things. lies that i believed and held on to for dear life. things were hidden with the darkness.

but now the darkness is gone. i am stripped bear. nothing to hide behind, nothing to cover my sin.

when a razor blade cuts you it slices the skin open so you can see whats inside. the blood dribbles out and creates a satisfying feeling. but after that a raw numb feeling approaches and settles over the body leaving the mind to run to the darkness and hide. i will never use another razor blade again.
the darkness blocks things. mostly the shame. instead of looking down upon yourself you feel a sense of pride. but when the darkness leaves the shame falls, heavy like an angry summer storm. pulling you down replaying every memory in slow motion. tears that once were stored far away come easy as breathing.

i never realized how much i was hidden away inside myself. how much i depended on the darkness to bring me happiness, instead of the light.
i am raw and numb and i feel stuck in a place where i have left the darkness and walking towards the light.

i have faith that things will get better. things are getting better. i can breathe without feeling a pang in my chest, just dicy nerves but those will pass. i know i have purpose. with every new day will come a new morning and a restored hope. i fill my lungs with air and let the remaining tears fall.

"the light came into the darkness, but the darkness didnt understand it."

with a cleansed mind i am beginning to understand the light.

i plan on never relying on the darkness again. only the light.