if i had a pen i would write in my notebook. if i had a notebook i would write down every thought that entered my mind. but i dont have a notebook. i have thoughts and i have a pen but no notebook.
sometimes i feel like need to come up for air. like this life is to much for me to handle. but where do i go for air? i have God. i know that nor do i want to hide that fact. God is this ginormous being who loves and saved me from all the worlds ugly. for that i am greatful. i want to devote my life to him but sometimes i trick myself into beleiving that it wont be possible. if you look around sometimes everybody seems to have it together. but i know better. nothing is as it seems. nobody has it together. nobody.
if i had the choice to end things right now, no strings attached.. no afterlife to worry about... i would end it. sometimes i still compemplate it but i know i wouldnt be right. i hate being sad and stuck in this rut called life. i hate it when people call me selfish. when they throw you that line of " think about us, we love you, we would miss you" i understand that. but you would get over it. you would move on and continue to roll with the punches. but when life throws me the punches i cant seem to duck or dodge them in anyway. they hit my square in the face and i let the hate and fear and sadness of thoughs punches fester deep inside me slowly pulling me down, slowly drawing me to the edge. in my head are things that i dont know where they come from. thoughts that have no place being in my head.
but God is there and i know that there is a way to overcome the punches. i know there is someone to heal the brokeness of me. sometimes it dosent seem like that at all. but in my knower i know he is. i have faith that things will get brighter and better in my future.