Tuesday, February 28, 2012

once upon a time there was a magical land where the sky was glittery and it never rained. 
there was a princess, lola, who lived in a beautiful castle with her parents are her dog, arnold. 
the castle was purple and had a red door with a million rooms, slides, and secret passage ways. 
lola had a huge library in the purple castle. she read books all day long, dreaming of love and adventure. she longed for these things to happen in her life, but since she was trapped in the purple castle she was convinced that love and adventure only existed in her books. 
one day, lola was reading in the library her parents ran away from the purple castle. days, weeks, passed and her parents never came back. lola was alone in the purple castle. 
she sat in the library just looking at the books. the sky grew dark and thunder rolled over the purple castle. the glitter fell out of the sky, turning into sparks, setting fire to the ground around the purple castle. thunder rolled again and lightening flashed in the sky, rain began to fall from the sky. 
lola was terrified of the great storm that had struck the purple castle. she slide down to the bottom floor of the purple castle and when she tried to run out of the door, the door was locked. she tried all the doors and window in the purple castle, every one locked. she was trapped in the purple castle. the rain was pouring harder and faster than before and the more it rained the more the flames leaped, attacking the purple castle. 


to be continued...

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

it could be worse

"rain rain go away, come again another, all the world is waiting for the sun" -B.B 


Do you ever wake up and not want to wake up? 
Your brain resurfaces to the world and you fight with every fiber of your being not to wake up, but you do. 
I don't mean the kinda of pity fight you have when its cold and you don't wanna go to work. I mean the kinda fight where you force yourself to get up and act human because if you lay in that bed, it will only get worse. Facing the day seems like its getting harder and harder to do. 
I've been feeling that way a lot lately (obviously). 
Sometime I wish life had a pause button. If I could just stop it for a little while, I could rest and get my mind settled, I could come back and press play and resume. 
BUT (always a butt!) life doesn't have a pause button. No stop, rewind, or fast forward either. It would be nice though.. 


Since life doesn't have a pause button we are stuck in the undercurrent and we have two choices: 
we can give up and drown.
or
we can fight and try to reach the surface. 


I'm desperately trying to reach the surface. And I have faith in myself that I can do it. 
As my friend told me earlier "it could be worse". I usually don't like this phrase, but it's bleeds the truth:
I could have a dead beat boyfriend who treats me like crap, two kids, no job, a pedophile step dad. 
It could be worse.... 



Sunday, February 19, 2012

not doing school work...

practicing monologue........ nope
researching.........nop
taking western civ quizzes.... nope 
online class.........nope
wanting to go to bed... yep. 



Friday, February 17, 2012

sometimes i forget that i used to...

I've seen "A Raisin in the Sun" 5 times now, (I'm running lights for the community show)and I still have four more shows to do! Not that I'm complaining (ok, maybe a little). I don't know what my problem was tonight. I couldn't focus on the play, it felt like it was never going to end. 


Every time I see the show I get something out of it. It makes you realize how much family is important. But then it gets your wheels turning about your family and how messed up it is. 
Mommy and Daddy are always at each others throats, your always fighting with your little sister, never see your big sister, nor your grandmother for that matter, and let's not even bring up the fact that there is always Daddy's girlfriend lurking in the background to sweeten the deal. 
I start to think about all that, and then I stop because it makes me sick on my stomach. 
My crack pot family( just for the record its only OK when I call them that!) stresses me out, but there not the only ones. School has not been going well either lately. I can't focus at work. I can't hardly eat. 
You know something is up when a fat chick can't eat. I take a few bites and I'm nausea. 
I feel myself slipping, maybe it's just the weather. 
Maybe not. 


Sometimes I forget that I used to fantasize about death. I wanted to die desperately. I'll catch myself off guard thinking about it. I was telling a friend the other day that I believe that once that evil has come upon, it never fully goes away. You get over it, in a sense where your life goes on, but deep down in you it will always be there. Not dominate, but dormant, lurking, to remind you. What it reminds you of is personal: shame, guilt, anger... the list could go on and on.
But on the bright side of that, we have Hope, wherever you find it: family, friends, religion, the beach, books, music, animals,..the list could go on and on. 
I choose to find my hope in all of those things ( which is why I listed them. muahah).


I didn't exactly mean to go this direction, but it was on my mind, and it has been awhile since we've discussed anything "deep". 

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Happy Ending

Ever think to yourself, "I watch too much tv"? 
Me too! 
However, the thing that sets me apart from you is that I'm always thinking to myself "I read to much" (which we all know is crazy talk! that can never be done!)  
Every time I get around somebody that I "like", my inner 8th graders takes over and I turn into this daydreaming dope. I start playing silly love songs and pretending my life is going to "take off."
FYI- the "taking off" part has yet to happen. 
Along with the silly songs, I also have this thing where I wish on every star that my life will turn out like a Sara Dessen book. ( great YA books!) 
There is always a girl (me) with some sort of issue (also me) and a boy (not to be named). They bond and form this awesome relationship ( yay for friendship!) and you start to think towards the middle of the book, finally they are going to be together. But no! There is always some falling out (with me that is bound to happen), however the book gods shine on them and they end up happily ever after ( at least that's what you are left with. you never really know because she hardly ever writes sequels.) 
I'm at the stage of the bonding and forming of said relationship. And unlike the lucky ladies in the books, I know early on that I like the said unnamed boy. I know it, and I think about it waaayyy too much. 
I've gone through this process countless times and have yet to have a happy ending. (Of course with the divorce rate skyrocketing, not a lot of people are experiencing that lately. which is kinda irrelevant right now..) 
I'm waiting, and getting impatient, for my happy ending! I want a truly novel romance. And not some hot and heavy sex story. I want depth, connection. A traveler, (a tall traveler!) with mysterious eyes. 

The song "All I Ask of You" from The Phantom of the Opera pretty much sums it up.