Where Am I?

Holy Crap, it's been a year since I graduated High School! 

(well technically there's like 4 more days to be considered a full year.. but who's counting?) 

I still have a bunch of high school friends on my FB, so I see a lot of the major news. Esp the buzz about Graduation. 

That was a good day. 

Actually, probably the best thing about high school was leaving it. The whole Graduation season is worthy of celebration, it's like Christmas for smart people.. and dumb people, as long as they passed everything! 

It makes me think... It's been a year and where am I? 

I sometimes hate asking myself this question. But sometimes I find positive things and it makes it worthwhile. 

I'm not on the fast track to Missouri, like I'd thought I'd be. Come to think of it I'm not on the fast track to anywhere. And for right now I'm making myself be ok with that. Until I figure out where I am going, it's ok to go slow.

In the past year I have learned some valuable life lessons:

Slacking gets you no where! 

Skipping class in bad! ..well skipping a lot of classes is bad... sometimes it's ok... 

Starting off on the wrong foot is bad! 

Being honest with yourself and others is good! 

Being logical and realistic is good! 

Taking risks is scary and good and an opportunity to lean! ( and get a cute boyfriend :)

Deep update on my life!

Summer has finally here!! 

Starting off my summer propped up on the couch because my back is hurting is not how imagined it would be... But you know, that whole "dreams coming true" crap is for the birds.

That come off a bit snarky didn't it? 

Any who.. enough about back pain. 

 The best part about summer is that school is out! Finally I can stop stressing about procrastinating. Such a load off. The one thing I learned this past semester is that starting out on the wrong foot leads to you never regaining balance and falling. Which is exactly what happened to my academic life this semester. 

I've had time to reflect, I guess you could say. I changed all my plans (i.e: Missouri) and now I feel like I'm at step one again. Well maybe not step one, step five wondering if I should back track to step two or close my eyes and jump to step six. So many steps!!!

I also learned that I need to make another plan. I decided not to go to Missouri, but to stay here, get an associates degree and then go from there. My plan to go to  Missouri was fueled by a burning passion to get out and just go. For a long time I felt trapped in my own skin and I thought running away would solve everything. As time go closer and I realized what I was leaving behind ( not to mention the academic turmoil that was brewing) I started to panic. 

Through a lot of thinking and talking and more thinking and more talking and one weird episode of crying, I finally reached a point where I'm not panicking. 

I'm simply just here. 

I've also realized that's it's OK to just be here. At least for right now. Right here gives me the chance to do some more thinking, talking, and crying so that I can figure out what I really want from life so that I get the most out of it.

50 page views in NC

The stats say that I had over 50 page views last month.
I'm pretty sure those were people who just stumbled on this page by mistake because no content worth reading has been added in months.

School is almost over!!
I'm at a point now where I feel like i've wasted my first year of college.
I started off this semester this semester with four classes. I got kicked out of my online class because I didn't keep up with assignments. When I got to be about two weeks behind the teacher said I didn't have time to catch up and receive a good grade, so he instructed an instructor's drop. Then during my melt-down I got behind in my english class, not to mention got totally unfocused and off track. So I dropped that class.
Yes, I am well aware that I took the easy way out. But it was better than taking an F, right?
Nothing I can do about it now.
Ao, now I'm down to two classes. Western civ and Acting I.
Yes, my life is sooooooo hard.

Any Who..
Ohh yes, on the subject of school, I believe I made a decision about Missouri.
I think I've decided to stay in NC, but I don't think I'm ready to quite admit it to myself.
And again, yes, I know that makes no since.. but.. well.. you know..



I changed the background... like the birds?! :)

Wish Me Luck

According to Webster's Dictionary, Depression means:b (1) : a state of feeling sad : dejection (2) : a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies.
Well that sounds like fun, doesn't it?
Let me answer for you. 
No. Not it does not sound like fun. 
When I was in the ninth grade I went to therapy for a while. I was depressed. I assumed that after getting over suicidal tendencies, I wouldn't be depressed anymore. Well you know what they say about people who assume things.. 
Any who, before you go assuming that I'm fixing to go off myself, I started out with that because I have been feeling depressed lately. However, the skies are clearing up and I'm starting to feel better. But it's had some really bad sad effects. I'm behind in school, like really behind in school. The only class that I've given any real attention to is acting. 
Also, being depressed causes my brain to think, and overthink. Opening the door to doubt every decision I've made thus far. Esp, in regards to Missouri. 
SAY WHAT?!  
Sadly, the thoughts have been there. 
Is this where I really wanna go? 
Am I ready for this?
Do I really want to be that far away? 
The list goes on and on and on and on. Long list. 
For right now, I'm still going. I need to, I think. If I don't all my nightmares could come true. 
In fact they have this college weekend of sorts, EU24. I'm attempting to register now, but the website won't load properly. So in April I will get a taste of what I'm in for. 


Wish me luck! 

College and Christmas

"the sound of my heart pounding tells me there's still hope."

-icon for hire. 

Good band all around. Go check them out. Buy their cd, they are still starting out, go show your support!

survived my first semester of college and only had to drop one class. and i'm almost positive i passed everything else with and A or B. i'm sweating it out until grades come in though.

one more semester to go and then Hello Evangel! 

speaking of next semester.. my smart self took English 112, research papers, and western civ in the same semester. now this doesn't seem like a problem, but seeing as how i dropped western civ last semester because i could keep up, i'm starting to rethink.

take it all in stride.. until the pressure becomes to much and i have a breakdown!! 

in other news, the Christmas season is in full swing; suffocating the life out of me. in the true spirit of Christmas, my uncle Jimmy is down from NY and he has this exciting habit of dressing up like Santa. he looks legit too. beer belly, beard and all. last night we went out to dinner.. ohh yea, you know where this is going. he dressed as Santa. and it wasn't really that embarrassing.. it was amazing to watch all these random children flock to him. some of the kids were smiling so hard they couldn't see straight. and the parents showed no precaution, they were dragging them to uncle Jim.

i don't get it.. i mean, don't you think the whole idea of Santa is creepy. "he knows when you are sleeping, he knows when your awake.." sounds like a creeper to me. i can just imagine a big fat guy getting all cheery as he watches me take a shower.

that's why grown ups don't believe in Santa!

mid-term, missouri, and John Cooper

so i think i have found the easy, lazy american way to get out of this midterm.. drop the class! 
drop the class and take it over the summer. i was thinking of taking a class or two over the summer anyways because i have to have like 24 credits to be counted as a transfer student at Evangel. 
then on that same thought, i have been chewing over the idea of maybe trying to go to Evangel this spring semester.. maybe. i don't know. i'm just shooting around the dark here.. 
i'm so lost. 
ughh..
i'm always lost. 
i need a freaking road map for life. 
i said that as a Facebook status on time and one of my (smart aleck) friends replied "its called the bible" 
yes, i know that. but the bible doesn't spell out in black and white what God wants you to do for a college major.. that would be far to easy.
 yes. yes you do detect a bit of bitterness in that last bit. 
before i even graduated i wanted to run away and join the circus and forget college. thats starting to sound like a really good idea again. i could see myself selling popcorn to little brats and posing as the fattest women alive.
(and if you think about leaving a comment saying, emily your not fat! i will say something snide in reply back. nobody likes a suck up.. well.. ok sometimes its ok to be a suck up. but i know i'm not the fattest women alive... its ok for fat ppl to pick on themselves. now skinny ppl.. thats a whole different ball game.. ) 
any who... enough crazy talk. 
wait.. 
who's blog is this?
no crazy talk.. thats crazy talk! 


the skillet concert is, of course, friday!! and me and my friend Lizard made teeshirts today :) the other day John Cooper said something on his twitter about if your sick come to the fall tour because he was a dr. of rock... so our shirts say: 
(on the front) an apple a day keeps the doctor away.. (on the back) forget the apple, i came to see DR. ROCK 
be. jealous. 


so obviously, i'm in (some not creepy form of)  love with John Cooper.. 
who is your celeb crush? 

delayed work of genius

so, i wrote this on monday.. the internet connection was being gay. its nothing of genius, however, if you feel so led read on :)

i have a slight headache in the top lefthand corner of my brain. i hate these types of headaches.. so annoying.

any who..

friday i took my first western civ quiz. i bombed it with a c-, but thats ok. in my communications class we got our quiz grades back from last week.. i made an a :) 

wednesday i have my first quiz in world religions and on friday my first exam in communications ( yes, i know i should be studying. i will, eventually!)

tonight i went to this prayer group at my church. its a group of about 7-8 ladies and the talk ( obviously) and pray. ( duh, its a prayer group) i never thought about attending until last week when i was chatting with God on my way to school and it just kept coming up in me. i picked up on it that God wanted me to go, so i went and it was pretty cool. lately i feel like my walk is becoming a little stronger. the hunger is growing a little deeper. i keep giving thought to my future and i sometimes it just gets to be to much to think about. i know my heart is now fully set on going to missouri after this year is complete. the rest is in God's hands. i want to make a difference and to be made useful. i know the only way to achieve that is with is help. 

i keep mulling over the idea of a youth pastor.. or just working with youth. i of course i have my doubts, and i feel like when i tell people that they don't take me serious. ( i can see why, i suppose) negative feedback doesn't help.. esp coming from friends. today i was challenged : "can i ask why?" 

yes you can! 

my response was basically: i want to help girls, or anybody going through the crap i went through. i want to reach out and tell them that there is a better way. of course my testimony is on here and i stand by it all the time. and who knows.. maybe God doesn't want me to be a youth pastor.. i think the first step is just trying to figure out what major i'm supposed to take! 

"I told you so"... psshh, no you didn't

"The joys of high school.." 

My friend is sitting beside me and she has to do a person statement for a scholarship and that was how she was going to start off the statement. That's such bull crap and we all know it's true. The only joys of high school is graduating... if you even get that far. 

I can't think of anything to say... I always say that.. which then starts the ball rolling on something I  can talk about. 

If you are interested in knowing something has changed in me. I don't think I anymore desire to attend Evangel. Shocking, and I sorta feel ashamed. I don't really know why. I think it may be because I made all that fuss and was worked up about it and got myself really excited and now I don't feel any of those things. I didn't really fall in love with it when I was out there so, I no longer see the point in moving that far away until I am in love with location. Some people may say not to go with that way of thinking but.. I'm not most people am I? On the down side of that I'm contemplating going to community college, something I said I would never, ever do! That part depresses me. I hate going back on my word.  esp to myself. However Sandhills, the community college, has a library science degree program and I could minor in drama or creative writing. So that's a plus because Evangel , I don't think, doesn't have a library science program. and logically thinking (which I also hate doing) I will probably save money and can get a good computer and land a job. Those things are great. Wonderful. Everything my parents said... this is where we have a problem. I rebelled for years saying, "I'm not doing that" even up until like two weeks ago! I would rather lose a limb than give them the chance to say "I told you so." I guess that's karma's way of being a bitch to me.

"I was Born THIS Way" ?

"I'm on the right track baby, I was born this way." Humm.. That is a pretty ballsy statement. Of course it does come from mother monster so its expected. I have been mulling this over in my head the past couple of days, trying to figure out if I really was born this way. And by that I mean was I really born a crazy, neurotic, self-absorbed over thinker? (feel free to add any other adjectives.) Or have I made myself that way? I question everything. And I mean EVERYTHING!
The sky is blue.
You sure about that?
SEE?!
I talk to myself, and then answer myself. If I don't have an answer I keep talking until I come up with one. I am getting to a point here, or at least pointing out a pattern. Do you see it yet? Everything in my own little world of mine is all about me. Me, Me, Me! I know this is bad. It's one quality I don't really like about myself.
This morning in church I was praying and forced myself to prayer about things outside of "Emilyland" and I have to admit it felt good. I was focused on something besides my own crap. What a breath of freash air.

To state the obvious, tomorrow is monday. my least favorite day. However, I do wanna see my friends and kinda miss school. ( omg! I know, weird)
Speaking of school, ha! you knew I was going there.
Seeing Evangel was pretty cool. It was bleek and cold that day which didn't help the desolent asphoshere at the school. Spring Break = No Students.
However, dispite my best efforts it seems I will be sticking around NC a little longer than planed. But it will be for the better. Hopefully I will land a job, get a nice computer (macbook pro! pray with me on that) and get the college experience in my mouth before I go trucking across the country.
FYI: I hate being logical.

redbull sunrise

Up and at em! And that was like 2 hours ago. Today is the day! What day you may ask??
Yet again good question! Today we are.. we being Joel, Seth, Caleb, and I are going to Evangel. Pretty exciting stuff. We are barreling down 13, well batreling down a detour. I hope that this goes good and that something is reassured to me. I wanna say I hope I get a sign, but I don't think that's biblically correct. But this morning I have Jou bubbling in me and so far so good :)

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Re: Joe

Indeed the bells of cupid were ringing in my presence yesterday, but not because of Joe as I'm sure you were fixing to assume. It was because I got my acceptance from Evangel!! I'm so excited about it its disgusting. They sent me a tee and a DVD. It was kinda Corny, but awesome at the same time :) Now if I can just get a visit squeezed in everything will be absolutely perfect. And the way things have been going for me lately perfect my not be so hard to come by.

Ahh yes now I will get to what you want to hear...Joe. I think I may need to redeem myself from the last post.. if freak was used I take it back now. In all honesty I have continued to keep in contact with Joe and it hasn't been that bad. But no. I am not going to convert my religion. Sorry :/ In the midst of these last night chats that we so frequently hold I have laughed so much its stupid.
The perks of having a TV buddy.. That's what we are.. I think. That's what it seems to be anyway. Only in my life does somebody meet a totally stranger(on the Internet!), gives said stranger their number and keep some sort of relationship going with them. Crazy? I think so, but this is ME we are talking about. Emily. Or just call me crazy, whichever you prefer.