Hairy Situation

With not working much and not being in school right now, I have a lot of time to sit on my butt and not do much.

I mean I guess I could clean, give back to the community, or ... 

God help me, EXERCISE. 

yea.. or maybe not. 

Today was one of those days when I woke up and did not like what was staring back at me in the mirror. 

Regardless of the fact that my physical appearance sucked! ( breakouts, frizzy hair, bags under my eyes, eye buggers.. and so on.. ) 

I also have the heavy failure feeling drooping on my shoulders. Sitting around looking like a bum, I felt like a bum. Finally about two o'clock I looked myself in the eye and said "take a shower you smelly bum".

After my self- motivational speech I made it to the shower. Once I got in the shower my next thought was 

"humm I should probably shave while I'm in here" 

OMG WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TO SHAVE SO MUCH?!!

It a twenty minute attempt to de-hair myself. Not to mention the next 15 minutes it took to wash my hair, face, and body.  When I got out I noticed that I missed like half the bak of my thunder thighs and cut myself in like three places. It would have been easier to go to a butcher... well ok, maybe not. 

Usually after a shower I feel relaxed and less bum-ish looking.. not today. 

I was so frustrated after I got out the only thing I could do was cry. 

Ok, I didn't cry.. 

but I did use my good lotion and spent another twenty minutes on my hair and make-up.. which did make me feel a little better about myself. 

Deep update on my life!

Summer has finally here!! 

Starting off my summer propped up on the couch because my back is hurting is not how imagined it would be... But you know, that whole "dreams coming true" crap is for the birds.

That come off a bit snarky didn't it? 

Any who.. enough about back pain. 

 The best part about summer is that school is out! Finally I can stop stressing about procrastinating. Such a load off. The one thing I learned this past semester is that starting out on the wrong foot leads to you never regaining balance and falling. Which is exactly what happened to my academic life this semester. 

I've had time to reflect, I guess you could say. I changed all my plans (i.e: Missouri) and now I feel like I'm at step one again. Well maybe not step one, step five wondering if I should back track to step two or close my eyes and jump to step six. So many steps!!!

I also learned that I need to make another plan. I decided not to go to Missouri, but to stay here, get an associates degree and then go from there. My plan to go to  Missouri was fueled by a burning passion to get out and just go. For a long time I felt trapped in my own skin and I thought running away would solve everything. As time go closer and I realized what I was leaving behind ( not to mention the academic turmoil that was brewing) I started to panic. 

Through a lot of thinking and talking and more thinking and more talking and one weird episode of crying, I finally reached a point where I'm not panicking. 

I'm simply just here. 

I've also realized that's it's OK to just be here. At least for right now. Right here gives me the chance to do some more thinking, talking, and crying so that I can figure out what I really want from life so that I get the most out of it.

caution: doom and gloom

i refuse to cry anymore.. i stopped that a long time ago. 
i have had several meltdowns, as i call them, in front a very dear friend of mine and every time i apologize for crying. he said not to worry about, its good to cry. 
my well is all tapped out. 
where is all this coming from? 
where to start? 
divorce is never pretty for no one.. the drama is supposed to end with high school. they lied. 
the whole college thing, community or not, is starting to freak me out. bad. 
work.. is not what i expected it would turn out to be. 
not to mention the misc. turmoil i'm in... 


my life is a bit flipped right now. instead of handling it i'm just sitting back watching things fall and crash.. thats not helping. but its all i have energy for as of right now. 


"i have tasted the apathy, its bitter on my lips.."- D.D 


yes i know this is a bit of doom and gloom.. 
i need to snap out of it.
i'm trying. i think a good nights sleep and some red bull therapy tomorrow... and some prayer.. will help. 

me+facebook post = tears

ok so.. as i have already mentioned a lot.. Graduation is today. and out of the numerous cards and gifts and congratulations i have not been hit emotionally at all. even the thought of not seeing some of my friends have not tugged at my heartstrings.. ( geez i sound like the grinch) 

well my sister posted this long post on my facebook wall and i read it and half-way through i was like a fountain. it was so sweet and touching. and coming from her it means the world to me :) i love her so much. i really don't like crying, but then again who does? and i don't have water proof mascara.. so i'd rather not cry tonight.. but i feel as if it may happen. curse these girl emotions. 

but enough on this! i just wanted to inform you that yes, i have feelings and i'm super duper excited about tonight!

for now i have to go take a shower.. straighten my hair and try to make a dent in packing for beach grad!! :D
2011 !!