Does Mother Nature have a period?

I just want to rip my hair out of my head, punch something, and scream at the top of my lungs. 

Ladies, can we please talk, for just a second, about how annoy it is that for the week or so before your period, and you feel like a raging lunatic?! Or is it just me? And then it finally hits you and you kinda mellow out, but your insides are being ripped and crushed my some invisible evil. 
Mother Nature sure is a *#$^!. 
But, we already knew all that, didn't we? 

Obviously I am enduring this week before, which has gotten worse for me since I've gotten older. ( I really need to see a doctor, huh? For mine and Israel's sake. ) 
I just feel like I wanna snap on anything or anybody who crosses my path. The other day this girl looked at me, literally all this poor girl did was LOOK at me, and I turned into the Hulk. Umm excuse me, please so not look at me like that. Would you like me to push you down the stairs?? Also, your haircut makes your head look big. 

 I hate being a woman. 

I am up this late because I am throwing a party for my friend tomorrow; she is 9 years cancer free!! Whoo-hoo! Totally something worth celebrating in my book. I am trying to get my house in order for the event, but I need to take a second and breath before I smashed all the dishes. 

I feel like I have been running around in endless circles (is that too repetitive?) for months now. My brain is fried. Today I skipped not one but two classes, and I feel no guilt. I actually had a couple of hours where I vegged, and when I caught myself I felt guilty for some unbeknownst reason. This semester cannot end sooner. Just one more week of classes, and then exams, and I am home free! Until January, where I have a 9 a..m  spanish. It literally never ends. 

This song just came on my Spotify; it's one of my favorites. I will leave you with this soulful piece, since I killed you with my hormonal outrage :p 

Life Update...

I haven't wrote anything on here in so long that I honestly thought about starting a new blog. I figured that since I was married now, that would be a good stopping and re-starting spot. BUT then I slapped myself ( not really) because I realized that would defeat the purpose of this blog: to document my journey, my life. 

Quick update, school is back in session: all of my teachers are trolls ( except the hottie with a body bowling coach. yes, I am taking bowling. yes i get a credit for it. ) Classes are good, so far I really only enjoy my literature class. 

Wedding planning dominates the other half of my life. The big day is coming up quick and I am so excited. I still have a full head of hair, so I'd say things are going pretty good. I am, however, just now starting to get aggravated that this shindig is only one day. As much time, effort and MONEY as we are putting into it, you'd think it was a week long, county wide celebration. 

OH, I got a job! Thats noteworthy. I am a cashier at a local cafe on main st. If it was anymore novel, my feet wouldn't be able to touch the ground. 

Thats the broad whatnots going on with me. How are you? How has your week been? 
You probably won't answer, but I do care. I hope you who read this are doing good. 

Random bunny trail, I have become quite entertained by these "vine" sensations. If you haven't seen any, you are missing out my friend. One of my top 5 favorites is: 

I have not the energy to bore you with my troubles as I thought I would post, instead I will leave you with 7 seconds of senseless funny. 

Life Goes On

I have become so obsessed with youtube, facebook, and instagram.. oh and pinterest, that i have totally forgotten to write about my life. Which, in your case my be a good thing. 


October is nipping at my heels and there is still so much to do for the marriage celebration! Decorations, flowers, hair, finding the right bra, shoes! In the mix of planning, praying, and trying to force myself to not drink another glass of coke, I am going through the growing pains of becoming the person I never expected to be at this point. 
I am 20 years old, getting married, and I have a cat!! Yes, a cat, named Oliver. (He's a rescue and he is a nice cat, who recently got a bow tie and looks adorable!) 
Panning out my own life is a struggle sometimes, trying to pan it out, plan, look into the future with somebody else requires more than writing out your feelings on the internet.  On one hand it's not so bad because my best friend will always be there with me, but on the other hand, it's dooming because you feel like if you go down, you are taking that other person with you. 
I never thought I'd be here. Of course, we all can say that about some point in our lives. I feel like the decisions that I have made lately will take me on a course that I never dreamed of. Which is not bad. It seems scary and I'm scared of crashing to my death, but just before I hit the rocks, God picks me up again. I am trusting in him to make my life something beautiful. 
To be honest, I have a fear of my life, my story being boring, pointless, but I pray everyday that that doesn't happen. Getting married is a huge milestone for anybody; but for me I had, at one time, a notion that it would hold me back, that my life would just stop and everything I wanted for me would never happen. But I have spent time and time again with God pouring my heart out, telling him my fears, asking for help, and I am ready to spend my life with Israel. We aren't perfect, but we aren't alone. All of the things I wanted for me I can have with him and together, we can experience so much more. 

*hands out tissues* *steps off of pulpit* 

There is no date set.

hello Internet world! 

The last time I was here I posted a long, personal rant that could probably have been left unsaid. But at the time, it was something I felt like I needed to get off my chest. It was one of those "big purple elephants in the room" situations. 

But, we won't rehash. 

My life is in a monotonous full swing; School, job hunting, and this wedding looming in the background. 

I say looming because I have no idea where to begin. Honestly, we still have some major decisions to make and make permanent. The only thing I know is that I want lots of candlelight and I have a semi-playlist together. 

When it comes to wedding-planning, I have tons of questions; how am i supposed to pay for all this? why are photographers so expensive? do the guests have to eat? you want how much for that dress?! do you like this color? what do you mean you don't care?! well what color do you like? 

And then you have people, who with good intentions I'm sure, give their two cents, which usually sounds something like this: do what you want, so you don't have any regrets. 

So when I try to take this advise I am fought with every step of the way. 

I've gotten to the point where I have no idea what I want or I just can't afford what I want. 

 

I'm starting to think if I had planned this when I was seven, life most girls, I wouldn't be so confused. Moreover stressed out because I'm trying to write a paper at the same time I'm trying to pick a date and a cheap venue. 

OH, in case you are wondering, WE HAVE NOT SET A DATE.  

I have been asked that like 100 time, no joke. 

I didn't intend to update you on my unplanned wedding details, but there you go. 

Have a great Tuesday! 

first post of 2013

The past month/ new year has flooded my brain with so much confusion that sometimes I just feel numb. To be perfectly honest with you. 

Yesterday, I got to thinking (naturally..) what if I'm just bored with my life? I felt this terrible sense of dread, yet at the same time knew I wasn't scared of anything. I just feel so weighed down by the mundane that has become my life. So many changes have taken place, and everything is starting to settle and my inner self is screaming at the top of her lungs WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU SURE WE ARE READY FOR THIS??! 

And everyday I hang my head a little lower and say I have no clue. 

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things that are going great! 

However, we, as mere mortals, all know that the bad almost always outshines the good. 

I never pictured I'd be where I am today. 

(Story of my life)

But then again, isn't that one of life's greatest mysteries? 

Amongst my inner turmoil, life is in full swing. My second semester at Pembroke is going nicely so far. The only complaints I have so far are brief: 

1. I signed up for an extra online class.. so far = big mistake. 

2. My economics class about brings me to tears everyday because it's so boring. 

3. I got a ticket today because I have yet to get a parking pass. (But I assure you, this problem will be rectified asap.) 

College+Love=Mind Blown

I have no idea where to start. I have so many thoughts floating around in my head. 

But, as I've mentioned many times before, this IS MY BLOG and I can say whatever I'd like. 

And thank goodness it's not going to be graded! 

My English class is kicking my buttocks. 

My science/weather class has confused me beyond measure. 

My math class is actually going pretty well.. despite how much I hate math. 

My history class is.. well, it's going. 

There are sometimes ( like today when my work in my Eng class was ripped apart and basically scrutinized to poop.) when I feel like dropping out of school. 

But then a little silver lining appears (like when I make B's on my math work) that I feel like I can keep on trucking. 

Today I made a mantra of saying "I hate college." After a little while of that I realized that I don't really hate college, I hate general ed. Classes you have to take because the man says you have to take. When I can take a whole slew of classes I want to take, I think I might be happier.. and then again I could hate those as well. Hopefully we'll find out. You know, if I don't join the circus before then. 

Ok, so that's like 55% of the floating thoughts, the other 45% is my personal, romantic life. 

(which is going pretty good, thanks for asking:) 

Our relationship (me and my boyfriend, that is) is special. And I'm not just saying that because I'm blinded by love. I'm saying that because we have what is classified as a "inter-religious" relationship. 

It's complicated and then again, it's not. 

I'm a christian/Pentecostal and he's a Jehovah's Witness.  

At first it was weird.. and we weren't even sure it was a good idea.. and this is a long and complicated story.. sorta.. anyway, not really the point. 

The point:  Things have gotten really serious in the short amount of time we've know each other/been together. 

We've been playing "the what if and when" game. 

Over the past few days I've also had a lot of those "wow, never thought I'd be here" moments. And with the big, obvious reason it's really been mind blowing. 

I've learned..

I have learned over the past several years ( because I'm so old and wise, I "know things" now) that life is constantly changing. Even if you live in the same dead beat town your whole life, you're always moving to a different stage of life. Sometimes it feels like you've leveled up, and sometimes it feels like you been sent to jail, not passing go, not collecting two hundred dollars. Sometimes you can't even collect two dollars. 

I have also recently learned that you can want something so much you can taste it. And then you get it and it leaves a bitter taste in you mouth. You want to give it back and ask the waitress to bring you tea instead of coke. Well in life, a lot of times there is not waitress to change your order, so you have to sneak back to the kitchen and do it yourself. And then sometimes you get caught by the bus-boy and you have to choke down the coke for the time being. 

Right now I'm at a stage in life where I'm trying to teach myself that sometimes you have to choke down the coke because you might like the taste eventually. Or it could be like beer and no matter how much you try to choke it down your stomach turns and you want to puke. 

If you're wondering where all this is coming from... 

I feel like school is kicking me in the butt right now... more like giving me a swirly in the boys bathroom.

 My first big assignment in my English class was to write a paragraph. Just one paragraph. We worked on them in class, in the lab, and got help from the teacher. I had three drafts of this one stupid paragraph and I got a freaking C. I know it wasn't perfect, but  I felt like my grade could've been a little better. 

Not to mention the first quiz I got a D on. And how bad I'm doing in my math class... 

I hate school. 

I said I wanted to be a English teacher... Umm... Needless to say, I'm rethinking that.     

I feel like giving up on school altogether. 

But I've learned that that just makes it worse.

 I'm choking down bad grades, a rough teacher, this semester, in hope that it will get better.                                                                                                                                                                                                  

I'm going to College

You heard about Colorado? 
Of course you did. 


Tragic. 
It really should be unbelievable that human beings can be so violent, but it isn't. Ever since the fall of man ( if you believe in that sorta thing), humans have been warped. Most of us notice it on a daily basis, sadly society only acknowledges it when psycho- killers attack innocent movie goers. 


Needless to say I will be thinking and praying for said innocent movie goers. Also probably needless to say, what little desire I had to go see that movie is now gone. 






Not to be unsentimental, but by now you're tired of hearing about the sad event and it's time to enlighten you with what's the what what in my life! 

 (the best part of your day, don't deny it) 

I'M GOING TO COLLEGE!!! 
As in like I'm actually moving there. 
No, I'm not trucking half-way across the country to outlive a reckless desire for adventure. I'm trucking an hour away (if you drive the speed limit) to live out the more realistic dream of leaving home for a good education, yet still being close to home. 
I'll be attending University of North Carolina at Pembroke. Instead of staying a dorm, I'll be living in the apartments across the streets. My own room and BATHROOM! And sharing a living room and kitchen with three others. 
I'm super excited!! 
Everything is basically taken care of, just a few more things to sign, seal, and deliver. I.e: signing up for classes and getting shots! Not to enthused about that last part. 




So many things are coming up in the next couple of weeks, I wanna take it all in and not miss a beat. I'm exciting to turn this new leaf over in my life. (needless to say) I feel determined to make the most out of this year. Starting out on the right foot sorta thing. 

Keep On Keeping On

Last night I had the worst sleep I've had in a long time. 

I tossed and turned and had all sorts of weird dreams. 

Before I went to sleep me and my boyfriend got to talking about "end of the world" religious things. 

Talk about a HEAVY conversation topic.  

As the conversation went on, I just kept getting more and more overwhelmed. 

I think about it and try to find a solution or just something that makes since, and it seems like here lately, nothing makes since. 

The more overwhelmed I got the more on edge I became. 

When I went to sleep I felt scared to move, like I was sleeping on the edge of a cliff. 

Today I woke up, everything still fresh on my mind.

I'm not scared, I'm nervous. 

Is that OK? I have no idea. 

Last night I told him that I feel as like I've been set up to live this life. Your born, you grow up, go to school, get married,.. etc, live a life, get old and then die. That's what supposed to happen! 

Knowing.. or believing that at any moment that will be taken away is a little unnerving. 

For me, the most unnerving thing is not knowing what's "on the other side", if you will. 

We think we have some sort of idea, but nobody knows for certain. 

Thinking Over thinking it this morning, I know there's nothing I can do but keep on keeping on. 

Where Am I?

Holy Crap, it's been a year since I graduated High School! 

(well technically there's like 4 more days to be considered a full year.. but who's counting?) 

I still have a bunch of high school friends on my FB, so I see a lot of the major news. Esp the buzz about Graduation. 

That was a good day. 

Actually, probably the best thing about high school was leaving it. The whole Graduation season is worthy of celebration, it's like Christmas for smart people.. and dumb people, as long as they passed everything! 

It makes me think... It's been a year and where am I? 

I sometimes hate asking myself this question. But sometimes I find positive things and it makes it worthwhile. 

I'm not on the fast track to Missouri, like I'd thought I'd be. Come to think of it I'm not on the fast track to anywhere. And for right now I'm making myself be ok with that. Until I figure out where I am going, it's ok to go slow.

In the past year I have learned some valuable life lessons:

Slacking gets you no where! 

Skipping class in bad! ..well skipping a lot of classes is bad... sometimes it's ok... 

Starting off on the wrong foot is bad! 

Being honest with yourself and others is good! 

Being logical and realistic is good! 

Taking risks is scary and good and an opportunity to lean! ( and get a cute boyfriend :)

Deep update on my life!

Summer has finally here!! 

Starting off my summer propped up on the couch because my back is hurting is not how imagined it would be... But you know, that whole "dreams coming true" crap is for the birds.

That come off a bit snarky didn't it? 

Any who.. enough about back pain. 

 The best part about summer is that school is out! Finally I can stop stressing about procrastinating. Such a load off. The one thing I learned this past semester is that starting out on the wrong foot leads to you never regaining balance and falling. Which is exactly what happened to my academic life this semester. 

I've had time to reflect, I guess you could say. I changed all my plans (i.e: Missouri) and now I feel like I'm at step one again. Well maybe not step one, step five wondering if I should back track to step two or close my eyes and jump to step six. So many steps!!!

I also learned that I need to make another plan. I decided not to go to Missouri, but to stay here, get an associates degree and then go from there. My plan to go to  Missouri was fueled by a burning passion to get out and just go. For a long time I felt trapped in my own skin and I thought running away would solve everything. As time go closer and I realized what I was leaving behind ( not to mention the academic turmoil that was brewing) I started to panic. 

Through a lot of thinking and talking and more thinking and more talking and one weird episode of crying, I finally reached a point where I'm not panicking. 

I'm simply just here. 

I've also realized that's it's OK to just be here. At least for right now. Right here gives me the chance to do some more thinking, talking, and crying so that I can figure out what I really want from life so that I get the most out of it.

it could be worse

"rain rain go away, come again another, all the world is waiting for the sun" -B.B 


Do you ever wake up and not want to wake up? 
Your brain resurfaces to the world and you fight with every fiber of your being not to wake up, but you do. 
I don't mean the kinda of pity fight you have when its cold and you don't wanna go to work. I mean the kinda fight where you force yourself to get up and act human because if you lay in that bed, it will only get worse. Facing the day seems like its getting harder and harder to do. 
I've been feeling that way a lot lately (obviously). 
Sometime I wish life had a pause button. If I could just stop it for a little while, I could rest and get my mind settled, I could come back and press play and resume. 
BUT (always a butt!) life doesn't have a pause button. No stop, rewind, or fast forward either. It would be nice though.. 


Since life doesn't have a pause button we are stuck in the undercurrent and we have two choices: 
we can give up and drown.
or
we can fight and try to reach the surface. 


I'm desperately trying to reach the surface. And I have faith in myself that I can do it. 
As my friend told me earlier "it could be worse". I usually don't like this phrase, but it's bleeds the truth:
I could have a dead beat boyfriend who treats me like crap, two kids, no job, a pedophile step dad. 
It could be worse.... 

shot to hell

let's just lay everything out on the table...

the past few days, weeks, months? i haven't been able to properly function. 

i have no clue what is going on. it's like i've done a 180. 

i'm standing on the edge of the cliff again. don't worry, i don't plan to jump. 

i just don't know how to get myself out of the slump.

maybe it's the change of the seasons.. this seems to happen to me a lot when the seasons change. 

my internal axis gets flipped upside down and my mentality is shot to hell. 

yesterday, i went to the graveyard and walked around and listened to the dead.(a little too poetic?) all the while unloading my shot to hell mentality onto my best friend. (that's what a best friend is, somebody who walks around the graveyard with you because your depressed. that's love my dear readers.) 

"all i need is a little of the good life" 

what is the good life?! 

is it:

• Religion
• Family
• Friends
• Money
• Career 
• Knowledge 
• Contentment 

this is a quick list i made of things i think i want in life(not specifically in that order).. but how can you have ALL of them in the right balance? that's my thought provoking question. 

on a side note, with the thought of having balance in my life i've been thinking about taking up yoga. yea, wii fit yoga, back off! anywho.. maybe some mediation would be good. just a thought.