Saturday, April 2, 2011

Trust No One

"i like her as a friend, but not like that."

" oh shit."

You may or may not be wondering how those two quotes are related. If you are, I can tell you that what you are thinking is wrong. Those two phrases single handily ruined my life.. err my love life anyways. ( you know the non existent one) As I talk about this I feel the depressing anxiety rising up in my chest.

The first one was from a boy who was my first and biggest crush ever. besides John Cooper but that really will never happen because he is married.. anyways! I liked him so much I was sure he liked me and one day I made the mistake of telling one of my girl friends. (BAD MOVE) She was in band with him and somehow I came up in conversation so, she decided to tell him I liked him. He answered her with that. I was so pissed at her I couldn't see straight. This happened is 8th grade by the way. Not only were my insecurities of liking a boy on the table, now my doubts were confirmed and I knew I had no chance with him. ( Being fat and in middle school as a girl is hard enough, throw a boy in there and it makes everything worse.) So needless to say nothing ever came from that. I had heard that phrase before countless times but when its directed at you its like a boulder falling on you. This boy and I are not friends and when I see him I still freak out.

The second phrase ( I really don't think this is safe but it might as well be told) came from my friend. Literally, he was like my best friend. I always liked him a little and our families always picked on us about being a couple. Well in ninth grade my friend Rachel convinced me to tell him how I felt. I finally had texting so I sent the text and it wasn't just a simple text saying "i lik u" it was some freaking rant about love! I'm so ashamed of myself. So I sent the text and he replied with that. I cried and that was the beginning to the rocky-ist friendship on the face of this earth. And here's the best part I found out later that he was/is gay. Yep. Just keeps getting better. It hurt my feelings so bad. "Hurt" I use loosely cause it really scared me for life.

That's why I have issues with boys and that's why I will never admit to anybody when I like somebody. I get so weird about it. It drives me nuts. The fear and anxiety I get thinking about hearing any of those words again just makes me want to die. Add that on top of all the other issues I have and you get a nut job!
I had more things I was going to say but now the thoughts escape me. Its early in the day.. I'm sure I'll be back later to write something else.

No comments:

Post a Comment