"you fight the world from the inside out"

well well well, hello cyberspace. its been to long.

if your not doing much but reading this here blog entry, go listen to lifehouse's new album "Smoke and Mirrors" its great! i bought and then i fell in love with it and now im recomending it to you. ..see how generous i am :) i perfer song "it is what it is" and "in your skin" thoughs are my faves.. right now.

so to say my life had regained balance is a lie, and we both know that.
i dont generally mention names in here...well i try not to. anywho.
Lloyd has cancer, and my grandma is freaked.  to tell you the truth i am too. Lloyd's a pretty cool guy and he means the world to my grandma. she told my that if anything were to happen to him she is going to move down to aunt amy's. i hate that thought. i really hate that thought. that something would happen to Lloyd and grandma would move that far.

the grass is still brown and the sky is always cloudy it seems.
i cant seem to find enough me time. that sounds selfish. what i mean is there is never enough time for me to just sit and think a sort through the things in my head. too many things i guess. and not enough time in the day.
"im always here to help" easy to do. sometimes it seems impossibble. how can i possibly help my friends and family when im so screwed up?
its easier just to ignore it.. and i know thats horrid but sometimes i cant help it. i get sucked inside myself and everybody else just disappears.

all cracked up

Just because the door is closed doesn't mean there isn't a peep hole.
Through the crack in the wall i can see all your dirty little secrets.
You thought i'd never know
I'm carrying your shame around on my shoulders everyday
It takes me down a little lower
Lower, back to the depths of this endless black hole in me.
Its haunting, taughting, I can't escape.
Everywhere i go i'm reminded of the dirty deeds
Plus the ones that you thought were buried in the past.
But thoughs too seep through the crack.
Even the people who seem to be the closest to you never turn out to be who they seem to be.
People have secerts and we hide behind them and let them rule our lives.
They change people, build a barrier between them and the rest of the world.

12:38 a.m

"stuck, afraid, annoyed by the little things.
 these "not so real" feelings catch up with me at the most inconveinent times.
bubbley joy should be pouring out of me, but i feel not so bubbley. like a bottel of champange gone very bad.

life busy rushing like the blood runnig out of an open wound.
we run and run trying to find a way out, finding that next high, the nexy time we can feel some releif. "

 - excert from my journal on 2*20*10

so today.. err yesterday was my birthday.
i am officially 17. joyfull occasion right?
i thought so too. but now i am having second thoughts..
or third thoughts.. however you want to look at it.
people say these are the best years of our lives.. well thats a lie and i dont care who wants to argue against me. most of the time i win anyway :)

im so ready to be out and away i can taste it.. i had this feeling about driving too. and i love driving, love the feeling of having my own car. its great.. some guilt cause i dont pay anything for it, but otherwise great. so i have a pretty good feeling that im going to like being away at college and living on my own..
now i just have to wait unitil its handed to me on a silver platter :)
yes i have very high expectations!

feb. 15

         ok so its been a while since ive given you any details about my life.. and since like only two people read this, im guessing you've survived. not much has happened. ok thats a lie. a lot has happened.
i obviously dont feel like going into details right now.
but i have a good reason. im getting over a nasty stomach virus. and when i say nasty. i mean nasty.

so i have finally picked up a book and it has my attention!
finally a world far from this has beckoned my presence and i have answered the call.

i have missed only two days this six weeks and i already feel like im failing.
that stupid note policy at school has screwed up my report cards so many times i now have an anxiety issue with it.
so im into a good book my grades are slipping and i need to shave my legs. life is finally returning to normal. :)

who cares?

who cares what you have?
i just care that i dont have it.

thats right i said it.
it pisses me off that i dont have ... well i certainly cant tell you what exactly it is.
but you have it.. lots of people have them. people who shouldnt have them. have them! whereas i could handle one, i want one, and yet i dont have one!
this is the story of my life. whatever.
its my life and i've learned to deal. but sometimes i get sick and tired of it.

somtimes i want a new life.. something better. better than this.
a life where i can get and have what i want. in this life i have what i need and most of what i want.
but not this! and you have it. you little bitch!
yep thats right i called you a bitch 'cause right now thats what you are to me.
now tomorrow this may blow over but right now your a bitch.
and surprisingly im ok with this.

"so hows the meatloaf"

the way my mom makes meatloaf.. is gross. you have to take the raw meat and add seasoning and peppers and ketchup and bread crubs, all this stuff to make a single loaf of meat. however on a better note, my moms meatloaf is great. a lot of people think meatloaf in general is nasty (a lot of people's are) but my moms is great!
so like this single loaf of meat, life is made, or lived the same way.
there are nasty parts (fights with freinds and family) thats the raw meat part. your emotions and feelings. what we put on the chopping block every single day.
there are things in life you might not always see, but we know they are there for us. like God. llike the seasonings in a meatloaf, we cant see God but he's there for us all the time and he makes life taste a lot better than what it used to be.
peppers are bright and organic.like laughter. its real and natural. it has its own uniquie flavor.like sharing a laugh with a friend or threw a text.
ketchup is well obviously awesome anyways. its smooth and goes great with just about anything. so i guess they are like the oxygen everybody needs to stay alive. idk. i just really like ketchup with my meatloaf.
and then there are the breadcrumbs. like my friends and family. it wouldnt be moms meatloaf without breadcrumbs.. life wouldnt be life without my totally crazy friends and not so sane family. but i would be even more lost wihtout them. they are crumby and flaky but quite delicious :)

so these things seperatly can be odd. but if you mix them together and bake it at 350 degrees you have the best life you can get. sometimes you may get burnt or not done all the way.and if things still fail, just add more ketchup ;)  but eventually things get better. the sun sets and rises again and you can mix all the ingradients again.

not the day i intended.

tick, tick, thump, thump,  ding!
thats the sound of the machine beside me at the hospital. this morning my mom was throwing up acid and othe yucky stuff... so off to the doctor we went. wen we finally got to see the doctor, cause you know they are like celebs, you have to wait forever to see them. anywho. steve (the doctor. who is really nice and has like this alomost awkwad frienship with my mom he called her his girl.. awkward. ) said it was diabetic ketoacidosis. yea huge word. but i think basically its from her lack of insulin.. which is thanks to our fucked up insurance ...her sugar is up too high and the acid in her blood has spilled over... err something like that.. dont quotd me directly on this.
either way she's in the hopital and it may not be that serious. the staff is doing everything they can. so she sould be outta here in a day or two..
im gald cause when hey told us i thought i was going to choke.

on a better note. my dad comes home tomorrow!!
thank God. its been so weird lately with him not being here.
i actually had this weird dream the other night about him coming home.
it was dark and we were all outside on the patio and he come around the corner and looked at me like he didnt know if he should talk or not. then i looked up at him and he broke into this huge dorky grin that only my dad has. and i ran over and gave him this hge hug. it was great. but that would probably not ever happen. see my dad isnt the huggy loveey doveey type. which is fine. cause in not either. but when a hug presents itself.. its very awkward.

anyway.. the machine is dinging again so i will say me goodbyes until next time..