My life is def. not a Disney flick..

if the shoe fits

then by all means she's a bitch...

this cliche feeling of everything i do going unnoticed is getting old.

everyday its something i didnt do, i should've done, or i was sussoposed to do.

the guilt trips are old. you can keep my ticket cause there's no freaking way im bording that train..

if you think its going to work, your imagination obviously doesn't stretch very far.

the day is almost over then the next will pass too. some fast or some slow, either way they go. bye bye.

these days i hopefully wont regret. my mind is to focused on the days ahead.

today is dec 21! wtf?

So the other day i hopped on here and was going to write this long post and now i cant even remember what is was going to say... (that happens a lot)

on dec. 19 i was writting in my journal and i was just kinda shitting around with this line i had in my head...
its not really that good i dont think.. kinda lame.. but im going to post it anyway and i trust you'll give my feed back.


Cut
Shut
Your eyes
And let the poison set in
Blood boils as heat sets in
Troubles will remain
Visable forever
Cut
Shut
Your heart
And let the hate flow
Skin Crawls as sinister words flow out
Cut
Shut
The life support

it might could be something if i did some work to it.. but i will save that for another day.

So i was going through the journal i have now the other day i got this wave of rage run through me. It was like some demonic force.. lol. I got mad cause I started thinking about my blue notebook. My notebook. The one that was almost finished! The one that had some much shit in it. Carried my life on the lines my blood (litterally), dreams, nightmares, thoughts, everything. I guess it doesn't really make since getting upset about.. but god! my freakig notebook. I let my freakig guard down and let some dummy tell me to get rid of it.. that the stuff in it was no good for me.. well all the stuff in there was me!
K. I can't dwell on that now.. no need to get even more upset.

Right now I'm not really upset I just don't feel that good.

OMG!! I almost forgot to inform you. I got this brochure from Berklee advertising their summer programs.. and they have a vocal summit. Its expensive as hell. But I was telling grandma about it and she said if i can raise some of the money she'll help me out with the rest :) OMFG!
I was telling my mom about it and how I was really serious about wanting to go. She basically told me I couldn't go because I'm not an "entertainer" in my coummunity. Which is bull shit. I have as much a shot as anyone else. Nicole got one to so I am goig to try to convince her to go to.
Not going to get my hopes up real high, but at least this is startig to look a little more realistic :)

 

today sucked...

if i could cast all my cares on your mom i would.
i prayed last night before i went to bed. i asked God to fix this thing that i have going on right now... that thing where i put my foot in my mouth with my friends.. yea. i know to be patient. and im trying but its really hard to walk around with all this awkwardness.
this is one of the times when i really wish i could read minds. if i just knew what they were thinking then i could know what to say or do to get the healing process along.

you know that gives me and idea.. about a book i mean.
like i've been thinking awhile about getting in the zone to write like creating a whole new world. so i just got the idea that my world could be where someone can read minds.. humm have to think more on that. and sont be some kinda reatarded weenie and take my freaking idea.. not cool dude.

im so tired. i want to go to bed. not that there is anything stopping me.
im stressing over this paper i have to write thats due friday... even though that im not going to start till tomorrow.. i have some questions i for mrs. B and things that need to be cleared up.

fuck.

your freaking mother goes to freaking college!

today sucked!
ever had them days where you say something that is completely stupid and just fucks the whole universe over? well today i had one of those days. shit! i hate that. if i could take it back i would.. so yea today i have some regrets.. im trying to shrug it off as whatever, but i dont think that is going to work this time.

anyway im not going to ramble on that...
today in english we ahd this really cool assigment to write a poem. sounds boring but the process was fun.
and plus im sorta kinda proud of my poem. :)
it started with writing little sentences like i see blah blah or i taste blah blah and so on and so forth.
then it gave you instructions to add similies and personification, you get the drift.
at the end it said that once you were done what you have left if "true poetry", which is what i named my poem.


"True Poetry"

I find myself standing in Times Square
Jazzy lights justify
Blurring, busy, beautiful people
Omnipresent car horms roar like
Vibrant music that pulses through the city like a heartbeat
International foods dance through the streets and give us
A different life
Dreary fumes hug the air like a high school heat break
Haunting, memorable, meaningless, memories
Vigoriously alive
Awaited freedom I received like a criminal set free

 -emg

my future is so bright i hope it melts your face!

ok ok ok.

so lately i have been thinking a lot about college.
i am so ready to get out of this town, out of my house! ready to learn and see the world.. er at least more of north carolina.

i would really like to go to school out of state.. but umm i dont have that special power to pull money out of my ass. so i have narrowed my sights to UNC Ashville. now this is not a dead set thing. but its looking pretty good. i want to go to school for creative writing and i wanted to study music technology but there's a problem. i cant play anything.. so not going to cut that out of my life goals just yet.. just out of my college ones. well this time around. so i think i am going to study creatvie writing and something in the dramatic arts. cause i really like acting and singing and that whole world.

so the past few days i have laid out of school.. literally all i have done is lay around the house.. and its getting boring. today i feel better but not ready to tackle school yet, tomorrow though. i promise. you are probably wondering whats wrong. its my back. i have an extra vertabre and a thin disk, and my pelvis is twisted. and it hurts! its been hurting for a while now but monday i sneezed in art and i pulled my back and now its hurt worse than ever. monday and tuesday were really bad, today not so much. i am going to get therapy again today and hopefully it willl start having a longer effect.

i'll be back later with something more productive...

*may contain spelling errors!*

the wind is really bad out there, not sure if this is good or not but my house just might take flight.. lol.
 so today as well as all of this week sucked. fuck. is fucked. my eyes are tired my face is swelled and my gray hair is gleming.
idk. it feels like stress but i dont like to admit to stress because everyone is always "stressed". if people would chill the hell out we would all be ok. and lately i feel anything but chill and ok. im never ok. never.
me me me. selfish, worthless, concetied me.  two of those adjectives were outside opions.. i promise.


its lame to go on and on about this shit i know.. but i just cant take it anymore. there are not enough pills to ease the pain and not enough sleep to take me away.
as much i want to i havent went back to old habits.. not yet anyway.. its getting harder and harder to say no to that sudective silver devil.


ive been reading ellen hopkins new book "tricks". its about prositution. and ive learned that sex is gross. like i seriously dont want anyone near my equipment.  :) unless of course mr. right comes along.. but who am i kidding, they all suck. and im not speaking just figuaritvly. but i feel bad for the people in the book. i just wanna wrap them in a hug and take them bowling. lol. something fun.
see people im not always a cold bitch. ... but i did just reach out kindness to fake personals.. wow. im crazy. and you can quote me on that.. i dont care.

im getting tired now. my brain had been racking all day.. and i still have three sheets to fold. ughh. curse the stupid sheets!! i dont wanna go to school tomorrow. i hate that place.. to many people. to many distractions.






one puff 
two cuts
three pills

life is not a thrill 
get real.
upside down
over and out
what we feel is
nothing real.

take and breath
and close my eyes
away from this world i fly.
up above the world so high
like a liar in the sky.

one puff
two cuts
three pills





figuarativly speaking of course... :)

pointless??

OK blogger.. today i started to write my book.
at first it was going good. i filled up a whole page, and then direction i was going in was like stupid. it was ordinary and expected. so i started two more times and they were OK. i think I'm going to take parts from all three and start again and see where that takes me.

i have to say its not as easy as it looks. I'm starting to think maybe a short story is the way to go.. maybe. for some reason i haven't ever really liked short stories. idk. i thought i knew what i wanted this story to be but now i see that there are a million ways to go and a million more ways to mold the characters to my liking :) obviously it makes me feel ungodly powerful!

i feel tired but its only like nine thirty and if i tried to go to bed Vanna would flip. SO. let me tell you about my day.. the short story .. Lol.
print club decorated a rest home, and if i may say so it was really fun. old PPl kinda freak me out cause they are so quite but a lot of the little old ladies were sweet and they loved the trees we but up. and the snowflakes, which were my favorite :)
then me and Rachel went to Fuji grill and to Cato's and hallmark which doesn't! have a public bathroom might i add. but the lady was sweet. she wasn't a bitch about it. she passed the blame on some other chum.. my kinda lady.


FYI: my computer is gay.
just wanted you to know that.

I'm getting bored with this.. going to watch the boob tube :)