its monday.

have you ever heard that song "Break Stuff" by: Limp Bizkit?
well if not go listen to it. NOW!! it will set the mood for this post.

cause if you havent already guessed it .. that what i'm listening to. (until the son changes of course. )

where to start?

Rachel is finally here. She spent the night yesterday and i saw her today and we are going to hang out some more as the week progressses.

Thanksgiving is wedensday. The only thing i'm excited for is the food. def. not! the jubilant company of my friends and family.. i probably wont see my friends that much over break .. if i do at all. and my family.. well thats just.. fuck?.. yes.

My mom and grandma have put on the gloves early this year.. not cool. its frustrating.. my mom thinks everybody is against her, when we're not. We just dont make things as complicated..

I love my mom. Despite what i may say when im angry. she is a good mom to me and my sisters. we dont always get along.. but shes there when i need her. and for that i am totally grateful. this is me and my mom.. i beleive this picture was taking in her closet before we went out to eat one night. :)

-> and this one was taken in florida.. at this really good fish place. my face looks retarded but its good of her :)

Even thought you may never read this.

I LOVE YOU MOMMA!

so besides all that drama Rachel invited me to go to the beach with her and she was talking about driving down there. im kinda stressing about that cause i dont think my mom will let me drive there and finances are a big problem... but what can i do. nada, just sit back and see how everything plays out...yep. sounds good.

my stomach is so full i feel as if i may pop! i cooked my first meat loaf tonight and not to toot my own horn or anything ... i was pretty great :) (toot!)

im proud of myself today now that i think about it.

the meat loaf obvilously, and in english i was very active and i actually liked the story. and!! i got a lot of work done in graphics. .. not all of it.. but i made a good dent.

now if you've stayed with me this long, im listening to the Moffats. i think they are 90's... maybe early 2000's. not sure. most people probably dont like them but i do:) so go listen to them. now! the song Crazy is great :)

"you thought here"

i really have a lot of things i need to be doing..
and i had this really awesome post but thanks to Jeffrey i lost my train of thought and now this post will be a rambler! as always.

lately i have been feeling.. very ... well like i was before i snapped!
the sinking feeling. i always want to sleep! i absolutely just crave to lie down and think. just to send myself far away where i can gain so since of control.

tears come and i have skilled myself to turn them around and let them trickle back into my inner being. but whatever right? everybody cries at some point and time.. i guess. but it makes me feel weak at times like i can't hold the wall up that day. can't let people see you when your down.. well you can let them see you just can't let them in. cause once there in! you are screwed.

this sounds dramatic but i don't care this is my blog and these are my thoughts. as my fingers fidget over the keys i conjure up tons of times that i have made me cry, made me think less of myself. I'm not always always dominated by the bad memories. the good ones are there. but like a beautiful black and white photo that you never touch cause its just to precious.

yo momma so stupid..

there is nothing left to say about it :)

yea that's pretty much how things go these days. talk about somebody mother and go about your business. so yea. yo momma. that's right i went there and came back fool.

i also went to Wal mart with my friend Taylor a little while ago. that was good genuine fun.

i enjoyed my time with him.. good lord i really do sound like a grandma.

see in art.. which i have second block... i have earned the title of grandma.

yea kinda weird since my grandma is like the best thing since sliced bread!

OK so obviously this is my grandma! she's like the best.

but anyway i guess its cause some of my bad ass expressions like " good gravy". and the fact that I'm still a virgin, which I'm proud of, ans i don't do drugs. ...I'm a great kid! old star for me!

OK maybe I'm a little conceited but i don't care.. do i? no! :)

OK so i think I'm done with this post. you know just to give you a little bit of insight to my art class and the greatness of my grandmother.

ipod druggie

lately i have felt distant from my friends and family.. well i have always felt distant from my family. but lately i have felt really distant from my "friends" maybe its in my head, but i dont think it is this time.

see my best friend of all time live in texas. she moved when i was in like.. 6th grade. we talk all the time and she comes home on holiday. but still the distance is tough on are friendship.

i have friends here at home to. and i love them to death. but its like in a puzzel when you take a peice that does't fit but if you push hard enough it looks fine. that how i feel like there was nowhere else in the puzzel for me to go. so i just fell into that group of friends. its uncomfortable like a bad xmas sweater.

i like to be alone. but there is also this horrid streak of personality running through my veins that likes to be the center of attention. its really bad. thats the side of myself i dont like. i love to be loud and ramdom. but not annoying! which i know i can sometimes be.. but everybody is at times. i think lately i have been needing a lot of attention and i wasnt getting it.. thats not good either for me.

my best friend, rachel, is coming home for thanksgiving. im super excited! im really looking foward to it. it will give us a chance to connect again! finally. being away from her is horrid. we change when we are apart.. i dont like it. its sad.

i dont really know where im going with this..

fuck!

there we go.

fuck!

starting to feel better.

fuck!

thats all i can say.

ok not all.. but

its what makes since right now.

so many things are running through my mind right now.

if i could just get a few questions answered i'd be set. but secerts must remain contained.

to slowly eat away at your sanity!

this day has been....

crazy? no. not a good word.
its been long and cold. i felt distant from the whole universe today. When i brought my head down from the clouds long enough to converse the result was horrible. I went right back to the clouds.

I feel the old feelings coming back, you know the ones I'm talking about. The ones that make you feel sad and depressed. The ones that make you question everything and darken your whole outlook. .. yea thoughs. I hate feelings! quite a contradiction but, that's life isn't it?

I haven't been on here in a while.. I don't know why.

Summer was .. OK i guess. Not exactly the best but it was tolerable.
There were concerts attended and Florida was beautiful. Camp was.. another story for another day. The highlight was def. getting my car. Myrtle and obviously my licence:)
I love driving. Looking into the rearview mirrior and seeing the miles behind me. It only increases my anticipation to get out of here! Go to school and gain more independance. I have some now, but not nearly as much as i want! and apparently to my parents to much i cant handle. but do you think i care? .. sometimes i do. when i let what they say get in my head. but if it just passes by then it cant hurt me. .. thats how i see it.

only time wil tell

school is done, another year of knowledge tucked under my belt.
i feel different somehow.
i was exposed to new things, i tried new things, i learned new things, i have become something new.
new i like that term.
new, different, refreshed.
taking my life to new heights.
the road is winding so fast now, flashing before my eyes, will i have the time and strength to accomplish everything i aspire?
only time will tell

they say my eyes are pretty and i have wonderful hair and that i am beautiful on the inside.

that's not true, my eyes are way to tiny, when i laugh to hard i cant see. my hair is stupid, when its curly its big when its straight its frizzy. and if they only knew what was on the inside.. beauty is the furthest thing from it.

emptiness has overtaken me, depression is swelling up inside me. i long for some release, but none can be found. sleep,my long time friend, no loner helps. for now i am once again haunted by daily nightmares.

the music is not strong enough to beat out the ugly. worldly substances are to far out of reach. my old methods are tucked away deep within me with promises to stay there forever. ... will they once again reappear?

only time can tell.

tick, tick, tick, goes the clock on the wall. the ever-present alarm letting me know that time is slipping through my fingers.

slipping, falling, running, jumping into that air with no knowing of where i will fall. will i ever fall? if i fall will it be back in good graces or back in the hands of an evil stranger?