Thursday, March 7, 2013

Publicly Stated Disgust

I just want to publicly state how disgusted I am. Disgusted with this whirlwind that has become my life.
I would rant to friends/family.. etc., but I'm sure by now they are tired of hearing it. Hell, I'm tired of hearing it, but it's like it WON'T GO AWAY!!!  It just haunts me around every turn. Knocking me down and taking my breath away.


As I think I have mentioned before, Israel was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. (referred to as JDub-Land, by one youtuber.) He has semi-recently left the organization. Just so that's clear.

Well his immediate family is still going strong.. apparently.
(but probably not because I know for a fact that they break the rules too, but you don't see anybody shunning them. Please tell me how the hell you "don't celebrate Christmas", and yet, you watch Christmas movies and go to Christmas events? umm.. hypocrite?)

*Side note: if you leave the organization you are to be shunned by the JW's (no contact whatsoever. none. this is what is expected..)  because you have turned your back on the one true god/religion and you are damned to an eternity of.. well I guess just sleeping forever because they don't believe in hell.

His mother does speak to him some. Which is great!
His brother and sister-in-law however, do not.  Of course as soon as his family found out we were dating (funny story, ask me!) kinda stepped back because he was a "baptized brother" and I am (according to them) a "worldly girl".

I could give you the really long story of how he told his sister-in-law that he was leaving JDub-Land and how she turned right around and told his brother, before he had a chance to tell to the family himself..but I won't bore you with that. Cause I may break my keyboard with frustration.
Not to mention that she threatened to tell his mother within a certain amount of time if he didn't because it said to do so in some stupid handbook.

Anyway, last night we were out to dinner with a couple members of his family (a cousin and aunt) and guess who comes in! You betcha, loving bro and sis-in-law. I almost choked on my sesame seed kitty kat. Wouldn't you know they came right up to the freaking table and spoke to no one except his aunt. I mean are you freaking kidding me?! Seriously?! I could give two shits if they ever spoke to me again. But your own brother?! I find it disgusting. I don't see how people get off treating their blood and flesh like that.
I think the saddest thing was Israel's nephew came running up to him and was showing off a new toy he got. Just pure innocence, a kid happy to see his uncle. And it was awkward because the rest of us didn't know what to do. You can't snub the kid, he's innocent as far as I'm concerned.

My blood has just been boiling for days. I can't shake it.
On top of all this.. the night before me and Israel were laying down and you could here the rain on the window pane. And for a moment it was wonderful. I said "aw, it's romantic." He got this pained look on his face and said "it reminds me of my brother." And that was it. Another moment ruined among the countless others. And I can't blame him for this because I know he lives with this pain everyday.

The religious difference has always been a bit of a problem, but it feels like since he's left it, there has been more of a stress because of all the other factors it brings.

Oh, and for just in case you didn't know: we are engaged and living together!
Most people aren't thrilled about that second part, so keep you comments to yourself. I've already been informed that "I'm living in sin."
The first part I'm thrilled about! However, when I start thinking about planning a wedding or anything about it I get so weighed down because it's so bittersweet. Mostly bitter lately. I can't please everybody and with all this obstacles, it seems we can't even please ourselves!

These past few days I keep thinking is it always going to be like this? Will I always feel this burden? All this frustration, this.. injustice? Will it ever just be good?  

And I know some of you are thinking Trust God, pray, Believe that He will change it. 
I do pray. But sometimes it feels like I'm talking to the wall, or that I'm so caught up in my anger that God won't except my pleas.
Well.. that's another post for another day. 

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