Sunday, October 9, 2011

confessions (what's inside my head)

(for those of you who don't get the reference of the title, its a RED song. go listen to them. they are awesome! ) 

lately i have felt just .. blah. what else is knew? well i take that back, not really blah, more like.. frustrated. 
frustrated with me and my life. i have expressed this before and i will express it again. it seems like my life is stuck in slow motion while everybody else is going at the speed of light. 
you the saying "live everyday like its your last". yea, i'm def not doing that. i procrastinate to much, first off. 
i have no idea what i want to do with my life.. i know what i DON'T want to do. but that doesn't really help me pick a college major. 
also on the subject of my feelings.  i realized that i have this bad habit of being a liar. or something close to it. i often feel hypocritical. what do you mean? 
as you know, i'm a christian. i stand by my beliefs but, i feel like i make choices and do things sometimes that would make people think less of me. and thats where the lying comes in. i lie about the bad decisions and choices because i don't want people to think less of me. 
like.. when i cuss. most of the time it just slips out.. way to easily i might add. the other day i dropped the F bomb in front of my mom and i thought she was going to choke. 
and smoking is something else i've been dealing with lately. 
the first time i tried smoking i was sure i would never do it again. wrong. not saying that i'm addicted to cigarettes. but i kinda enjoy them every once in a while. (i probably shouldn't be confessing this, but i'm tired of feeling like i'm living two different lives) i enjoy mint. and cigarettes come in mint flavored. i kinda feel like Audrey Hepburn at times when the smoke lingers out of my mouth. i know its frowned upon, esp in my situation, but i have to say, honestly, i'm the kinda person who can take them or leave them. i've only bought on pack in my entire life. i usually bum them off people :) 
i think there comes a time in life when you have to establish who you are. i've been trying to do that for 18 years now and lately i feel like i'm failing. 
i enjoy some country music. there i said it. 
sometimes babies are cute.. i still don't want to squeeze one out of my secret place though. 
i like Starbucks. 
i like stretching my ears. 
and i like the blonde streak in my hair. 
i have been getting ragged about it lately and its pissing me off! its my freaking hair. and they are my ears. leave me alone. and i will more than likely get a tattoo in this lifetime, so go ahead and grab a barf bag. i try not to be an uptight person.. but being around stiffs all the time makes me anxious. i don't like being anxious. i like smiling and acting crazy. i can't do that when i don't feel like Emily. 

ever feel like that? 

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