Thursday, October 27, 2011

he's gone

i dreamed about you again last night.
i thought i was over with that. you're the it in every song that is my haunting, taunting heartbreak.
i was walking down the beach, thinking about you, about how i missed you and how perfect it would be if you were here with me. i was passing a hotel i had never seen before, and when i looked at it, i just knew you were there. my first thought was that you were up, sitting outside on the balcony. as i was walking through the pool area, on my way inside, there you were. you were sitting in a white lounge chair, dripping wet, and drinking a beer. typical you, i thought. something rushed through me that filled me with every emotion known to man. i was overjoyed that you were right in front of me, yet angry because you stayed away so long. we looked at each other for what seemed liked forever. all i said was hello.  you nodded and smiled at me. i knew it was ok. you were waiting for me too. i remember your hair was longer. i said something to you, but i couldn't make out what i said. it was fuzzy and inaudible. i ran my fingers through your hair and walked inside. my plan was to just wait for you in there. i was waiting for you to follow me this time.
i waited and waited and finally decided to go upstairs. the first few flights were crowed with people and it was hard for me to get past them at a fast pace. i was really excited now. i ran and ran up tens of flights. (it was a big effing hotel, with no elevator!) eventually nobody was around and i realized i didn't know what room was yours. i kept running, thinking i would just know, kinda like i did when i saw you. after more running, i stopped and realized i was alone, nobody was around, and you weren't coming after me. not last time, and not this time. i couldn't cry in the dream. i felt to heavy to let even tears escape. the dream ended and when i woke up i was long winded.
how many times will i have dreams about being left? why is suddenly the thought of being left alone scaring the hell out of me?
what is it about me that makes you, or anybody, not want me?
i don't understand most of it. the reality, i mean. the dream i can interpret just fine.
i shouldn't have tested you. i should've just stayed there with you, when i had to chance.
shoulda, coulda, woulda

*p.s dear reader, i know by now you're thinking who is she talking about??
i promise you, you don't know him. he's gone. thats all that really matters. if you ask me about it, that's what i'll tell you, he's gone. 

*what or who is  haunts and taunts you in dreams/nightmares? 

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