Publicly Stated Disgust

I just want to publicly state how disgusted I am. Disgusted with this whirlwind that has become my life.
I would rant to friends/family.. etc., but I'm sure by now they are tired of hearing it. Hell, I'm tired of hearing it, but it's like it WON'T GO AWAY!!!  It just haunts me around every turn. Knocking me down and taking my breath away.

By now, you're like, WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT? WHAT WHIRLWIND?

As I think I have mentioned before, Israel was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. (referred to as JDub-Land, by one youtuber.) He has semi-recently left the organization. Just so that's clear.

Well his immediate family is still going strong.. apparently.
(but probably not because I know for a fact that they break the rules too, but you don't see anybody shunning them. Please tell me how the hell you "don't celebrate Christmas", and yet, you watch Christmas movies and go to Christmas events? umm.. hypocrite?)

*Side note: if you leave the organization you are to be shunned by the JW's (no contact whatsoever. none. this is what is expected..)  because you have turned your back on the one true god/religion and you are damned to an eternity of.. well I guess just sleeping forever because they don't believe in hell.

His mother does speak to him some. Which is great!
His brother and sister-in-law however, do not.  Of course as soon as his family found out we were dating (funny story, ask me!) kinda stepped back because he was a "baptized brother" and I am (according to them) a "worldly girl".

I could give you the really long story of how he told his sister-in-law that he was leaving JDub-Land and how she turned right around and told his brother, before he had a chance to tell to the family himself..but I won't bore you with that. Cause I may break my keyboard with frustration.
Not to mention that she threatened to tell his mother within a certain amount of time if he didn't because it said to do so in some stupid handbook.

Anyway, last night we were out to dinner with a couple members of his family (a cousin and aunt) and guess who comes in! You betcha, loving bro and sis-in-law. I almost choked on my sesame seed kitty kat. Wouldn't you know they came right up to the freaking table and spoke to no one except his aunt. I mean are you freaking kidding me?! Seriously?! I could give two shits if they ever spoke to me again. But your own brother?! I find it disgusting. I don't see how people get off treating their blood and flesh like that.
I think the saddest thing was Israel's nephew came running up to him and was showing off a new toy he got. Just pure innocence, a kid happy to see his uncle. And it was awkward because the rest of us didn't know what to do. You can't snub the kid, he's innocent as far as I'm concerned.

My blood has just been boiling for days. I can't shake it.
On top of all this.. the night before me and Israel were laying down and you could here the rain on the window pane. And for a moment it was wonderful. I said "aw, it's romantic." He got this pained look on his face and said "it reminds me of my brother." And that was it. Another moment ruined among the countless others. And I can't blame him for this because I know he lives with this pain everyday.

The religious difference has always been a bit of a problem, but it feels like since he's left it, there has been more of a stress because of all the other factors it brings.

Oh, and for just in case you didn't know: we are engaged and living together!
Most people aren't thrilled about that second part, so keep you comments to yourself. I've already been informed that "I'm living in sin."
The first part I'm thrilled about! However, when I start thinking about planning a wedding or anything about it I get so weighed down because it's so bittersweet. Mostly bitter lately. I can't please everybody and with all this obstacles, it seems we can't even please ourselves!

These past few days I keep thinking is it always going to be like this? Will I always feel this burden? All this frustration, this.. injustice? Will it ever just be good?  

And I know some of you are thinking Trust God, pray, Believe that He will change it. 
I do pray. But sometimes it feels like I'm talking to the wall, or that I'm so caught up in my anger that God won't except my pleas.
Well.. that's another post for another day. 

first post of 2013

The past month/ new year has flooded my brain with so much confusion that sometimes I just feel numb. To be perfectly honest with you. 

Yesterday, I got to thinking (naturally..) what if I'm just bored with my life? I felt this terrible sense of dread, yet at the same time knew I wasn't scared of anything. I just feel so weighed down by the mundane that has become my life. So many changes have taken place, and everything is starting to settle and my inner self is screaming at the top of her lungs WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU SURE WE ARE READY FOR THIS??! 

And everyday I hang my head a little lower and say I have no clue. 

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things that are going great! 

However, we, as mere mortals, all know that the bad almost always outshines the good. 

I never pictured I'd be where I am today. 

(Story of my life)

But then again, isn't that one of life's greatest mysteries? 

Amongst my inner turmoil, life is in full swing. My second semester at Pembroke is going nicely so far. The only complaints I have so far are brief: 

1. I signed up for an extra online class.. so far = big mistake. 

2. My economics class about brings me to tears everyday because it's so boring. 

3. I got a ticket today because I have yet to get a parking pass. (But I assure you, this problem will be rectified asap.) 

Monday

Life is whirling past me is almost a blur lately. 

School , with the exception with my last major tests, is basically done for this semester. 

I may be moving back to Richmond County. 

And, of course, Christmas is just around the corner!

Happy Monday! 

Oh, So You're In Love?

Let's just be real for a second.. just one second. 

If you've been dating a week, you do not love that person. You like them a lot and have those intense stomach butterflies that make you wanna puke.

 Trust me, I know what that's like. (I can testify to these things now!) 

I know this is becoming a pretty common complaint, but it's driving me nuts how people on facebook are like: "i love you baby, ur my whole world. idk what id do w/o u. *insert date*" 

Over the past couple of weeks, I've had to restrain myself from making snide comments because I didn't want to start a fight. But, trust me, I know I'm right. If you've been dating a less than a month and you're already claiming that person is "your world" you need help. and Jesus. He's your world. 

When I first told Israel I loved him, I felt like I was going to puke. (of course this is also part of my personality, I don't just go around loving everybody) And let the record show it was like two months after we started dating. I didn't fall in love with him and confess it until like 3 or 4 months. And even then I was thinking I was rushing into things. 

Being with Israel has been the first and longest relationship I've ever had and I'm not terribly ashamed to admit that because I don't have this horrid track record of guys who did me wrong. With that said, I don't know a lot about relationships from a personal experience, but I've witnessed a lot and seen enough lifetime movies to know what works and what doesn't work. Such as, overusing the L word. 

And most of the time people (especially us young whippersnappers with raging hormones) mix up the L words Love and Lust. And that's another post for another day. 

Dating a week= you do not love that person. You have intense butterflies and chances are you just like having sex with them. 

"Don't have sex, you will get pregnant and die" - Mean Girls. 

Tuesday Morning

One of my favorite personal pastimes is sitting on the floor writing in my notebook. Obviously I'm not writing in my journal now, but I am sitting on the floor. I've been in my bed all morning and I decided a change of pace would be nice. 
I woke up 45 mins before my alarm went off and it's only 9:07. It feels like it should be 12 by now! 

So far, this morning, I have managed to take goofy pictures of myself, decided to skip class ( its the last week before finals and we are watching a video..), get on facebook, get on pintrest, workout (shocking! I know! I found an easy ab workout on pintrest and since I was feeling lazy decided to give it a go.), and now here I am; sitting on the floor, putting my thoughts out there in cyberspace, oh and listening to George Strait (Don't judge me!). 


I know its been awhile, Thanksgiving has come and gone. I had a great break. The last couple of days, went by too fast though. Now that Thanksgiving is out of the way, we can focus on Christmas!!!!!! 
Ok, I'm not that excited.. 

It's hard to believe that this semester is basically over. All semester I've been waiting for this, and now that its here, I feel like it snuck up on me. However, the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. Yesterday I turned in my final research paper (for this semester). I know I'm speaking for a whole butt load of people when I say that I'll be glad when I get my gen ed credits out of the way and I can start on my Lit classes. After next semestre I should be able to start taking those. 

Now that I have bored you to tears... It's now 9:21. 
I almost feel motivated to clean or do something drastically productive. This is bad. Call the Preist! 

Soapboxes and Pulpits

I DIDN'T VOTE!  

I did, however, almost puke at all the political garbage on facebook. I had high hopes that after everything was said and done people would shut up and get off the soap box. But the results only made them superglue their feet to the soapboxes. 

The pride and the push to make this country a better place that swells around election time, deflates shortly after the winner is announced. ( In my opinion shouldn't it have been obvious that he would get re-elected. I have this theory that Americans are collectively afraid of change, that's why nothing "changes.) 

Any way.. enough of that.. 

Speaking of FB, I've seen people posting what their thankful for, I guess to get into the Thanksgiving spirit and remind themselves that life doesn't suck as much as we think it does. Last night when I was laying down to go to sleep I guess I felt God pulling on my heartstrings since I hadn't talked to him in a few days. I started thanking him for the things I have and he reminded me of a lot that I tend to take for granted. I am so thankful for an endless list of people, places, material things, and I owe it all to God. Last night I went to sleep with a smile on my face and it felt good to know that he's there's always taking care of me, despite everything I put im through. 

There are several current situations in my life right now that have shown me just how great is love is. And as humans I don't think we can fully grasp just how wonderful it is. That said, I've also seen that some people don't just don't "get it." 

Anyway.. 

*steps off pulpit*

Have a great Friday!!!  

November

I do believe that this year was the first year in my life that I didn't dress up for Halloween.
And I'm ok with that. 

It's finally NOVEMBER!! 
I'm super-duper excited for November (obviously), lots of good things happening. 

1. My best friend turns 21! 
2. My lovely boyfriend and I are going to see a Tom Petty tribute band. ( The real T.P already finished this years tour by the time we checked it out, but this will satisfy completely. 
3. Thanksgiving!! Which means like two days of actual good cooked food. (one thing I've learned at college is that my culinary skills are lacking.) And it means a FOUR DAY WEEKEND!! 

And then of course after this there's December... Which I'm really excited about because school is over like the first week. I can hear the cherubs singing now. 
I'm kinda surprised at myself for being so excited about the holidays this yea. Maybe it's because I'm in love, or more mature..well I'd like to hope I'm more mature ;) 
Anyway, this year I'm welcoming the gobble of the turkey and ringing of the Christmas bells!