sports poster vs. leather bound book

this is pointless and has nothing to do with what i'm going to talk about. but i've noticed that i'm not ugly. ( is that too bold? i mean i'm not saying i'm the most beautiful person in the world..) i'm just not photogenic. all my pictures suck. my mom recently put up some college picture frames on the walls and all the pictures of me are terrible! i have come to that conclusion and wanted to share it with you.

now that that revelation is out of the way: last night i had another dreadful sleep. i was up most of the wee hours tossing and turning and trying not to have an episode. ( it bothers me when i can't get to sleep)in the midst of my warding off an episode i was pondering over various topics of life and i started treading toward the topic  of boys then decide to make a U- turn. but on the way there the thought struck me that there are some people that belong in your life and some who don't. things as well as people. 

like oxygen belongs in your life... you need it to survive. 

crack doesn't really belong in your life.. you know, unless your mommy snorted up when you were in the womb and you born addicted to it. by all means snort away.*

same goes for people.

like your mom. you need her. no matter how many times she tells you to make your bed, even though we both know this is a pointless chore!

but the people we don't need in our lives are those that make us want to rip our hair out! 

or you know that guy who is really nice and means well but under circumstances he kinda creeps you out. plus he lives out of town and whats the point in trying to cook something up with somebody when you are planning on moving cross country next year? no point.

i don't think,OK i know he doesn't belong in my life. 

i used the example in my head last night that your life is like your room.. filled with things that belong. 

my bed. 

my books.

awesome wall art. 

if you had things that didn't belong your room wouldn't look right. 

life if i had a sports poster hanging up in my room. it would stick out like a sore thumb. 

that's how i feel like when i talk to said guy. like he's a sports poster.. doesn't fit and totally doesn't match my room. 

what i'm looking for is something like a leather bound book. maybe red or brown. full of depth. and substance. 

 

* for sarcastic purposes only

Confession #1

i try not to confess things.. it makes me feel to vulnerable. however, i will confess this:

 i want to be interesting.

does that seem vague, or just stupid to you? if it seems stupid, go stick it where the sun don't shine. if its vague, what i mean is i want creativity and passion to run my life. i don't wanna be in the same place my whole life. i want  to do all kinds of things ( job wise and recreational), taste things, see things, travel, write, read, swim, fly.. everything. except roller coasters! and maybe snakes. i wanna drink wine on my patio overlooking the city while i read a great book. travel around the world, hell i love traveling across the USA. that is one thing that excites me about going to Missouri.

this little job i have snagged ( see previous post) i believe will give me a few inches of freedom and responsibility. all of which i am excited for.

and if you are wondering "where the heck did this come from?"

good question!

i am reading this book " The Disorder of Longing" and so far its pretty good. the main character, Ada, has qualities that i totally can connect with. however, it takes place in the late 1800's and her spirit is being imprisoned by society and her husband. there are some things that really ruffle my feathers but, i have a feeling in the end it will all work out to her advantage.( hopefully along the lines similar to A Doll's House, where at the end she just leaves and shuts the door behind her! go Nora :) in the first chapter of the book Ada wakes up and goes for a stroll all by her self, which is what she wanted, and she got in trouble by the staff in her own home and her husband. yes i know that's how things were back then, but its no excuse. i have this quote on my wall that i love:

"your left hand loves candlelight. your right hand loves the spotlight. your left hand declares commitment. your right hand declares independence. women of the world raise your right hand"

where am i going with all this? 

quite frankly, i have no idea. i just woke from a nap and wanted to finish this ( i started yesterday) and now i'm at a loss. 

i think my whole point is i just want my life to have substance. not just a run of the mill life. if i want to take a stroll all by my loan-some i shall walk. God made this world too big and beautiful for us to not enjoy it and take advantage of it. 

i secretly have a love of money...

what up dudes?! 

so i am like totally in a great mood!

(imagine everything i just said in a super annoying preppy noise.. laugh!) 

today has went by sorta fast, but its been a great day!

you know how i'm on the prowl for a job (a.k.a money), so this morning me and a friend got up super early ( like 8 ish) and went to apply at cracker barrel. which is opening up in like 3 weeks. 

(caution: bunny trail. family friends of our own a BP gas station/grill and on our way to said CB we stopped for drinks and gas.. we got to talking and she needs help working the grill. well i quickly jumped at the opportunity and on the way home we stopped back again did some more talking and she asked me to come in today and give it whirl. so i go in for this whirl and i have to say it went pretty good. all the stuff was pretty easy.. i mean dang their kid has been doing it since she was 7. i swept floors, cooked food, cleaned stuff, filled ice bags ( that was hard) took orders ( my favorite part) and made lots of pizza ( i am now craving pizza) . 

i was totally stoked when i left.. no not just because i got paid.. but because if this thing with CB doesn't work out i'm almost positive i have a spot at the grill. i felt accomplished. like i was out actually doing something, working toward a goal and not just sitting at home watching tv and getting even fatter ( which is where i'm headed if i have no job) 

the only down side is i have to wear a freaking hat.. and not a cutsie beanie hat.. a ball cap. not a good look for me.

and to top all that off i got two more graduation cards.. i'm half a little over half way towards my apple computer!! i'm soo freaking excited. once i get that computer i will be the bees knees. my head will swell and somebody will have to calm me down. i just sense this. 

ahhh! the freaking smoke detector in my apartment is beeping like a freaking spring chicken.. only louder and more annoying! ( just wanted you to be aware...) 

"stacks on deck like he saving up" : P 

feelings: look what they are doing to me

ever feel like you've ran out of things to say? or you have stuff you want to express to the world and get off your chest but you can't because now that you are actually averaging at least 2 views a day on your blog there is a chance somebody will read what you say and it could start a bunch of mess that you don't want started? ever feel that way?

of course i feel that way. i feel everything! for somebody who is "emotionless", as i've been called, i sure do feel an effing lot! 

but than again if you think about it you don't want to bring "drama" to your blog..well didn't i say that people thrive on drama? yes i did, or something close to it, but sometimes its best to push stuff under the rug right?

right?

no? 

i didn't think so. 

you know i never was one for cleaning.just not my thing. 

i woke up early again.. the past couple of nights i have not been sleeping well. i toss and turn, have retarded dreams ( not unusual), and wake up feeling groggy. i hate waking up feeling groggy. makes me feel unaccomplished.  i keep dreaming about the beach. which makes since. i want to go back. i could see myself living at the beach. and i have to say i am considering looking at Wilmington again. i was applying there but then i decided not too because i was all fired up about Evangel.. and i still am ( i think). i honestly don't know anymore. Its so cold and its far away. there is NO beach. not anywhere close by. but then again it has all the other stuff i'm looking for. and yes i know if i go to Wilmington you won't be chilling on the beach everyday. i know that. but it would be closer to home, warmer, i have two of my best friends there, and they do offer programs for all the stuff i am looking at studying. and i still have no idea what i want to do. i want to do theater/ drama ( i think) but i still feel hesitant. but i can't think of anything else i'd rather do. other than creative writing or something with English or literature.

but first i need a job! 

and i will find one!

that is my current mission. i need a job for the obvious reason of money! and i have to get off my butt and out of my house! plus i'm ready to start doing something with my life. i feel like i'm sitting here wasting away..

Attention: dirty minds wanted

If you used to watch sesame street and then grew up and developed a dirty mind this is the perfect video for you!!

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