just read it:

scared, battered, beaten, and bruised.
i offer my body to you. mind, heart and soul
its all i have to give.
i am just a peasant brought into your courts by the grace of a savior.
you took my clothing worn of past damages
and gave me jewls i thought my eyes would never see.
my feelings left me homeless but now i have a castle by the sea.
what was lost is now found
everyday i plunge deeper into the abyss of our love.
taking a leap and finding adventure in the walk


... ( to be continued?)

Skillet.

my hair is a tangled rats nest, im procrastinating on my spanish project, im already for the week to be over, and its only sunday.
"why is she so ready for the week to be over?" you may be asking.
GOOD QUESTION!!! I'm ready for the week to be over this weekend, your truely is going to see the best band in the world! thats right SKILLET! :) its going to be awesome. and i REFUSE! i mean refuse! to leave until i meet John Cooper. Lead vocals and hottest man ever. ( well, he's pretty close up there)
yea. i just a tiny bit excited.

ok thats all the time i have for today..

"you fight the world from the inside out"

well well well, hello cyberspace. its been to long.

if your not doing much but reading this here blog entry, go listen to lifehouse's new album "Smoke and Mirrors" its great! i bought and then i fell in love with it and now im recomending it to you. ..see how generous i am :) i perfer song "it is what it is" and "in your skin" thoughs are my faves.. right now.

so to say my life had regained balance is a lie, and we both know that.
i dont generally mention names in here...well i try not to. anywho.
Lloyd has cancer, and my grandma is freaked.  to tell you the truth i am too. Lloyd's a pretty cool guy and he means the world to my grandma. she told my that if anything were to happen to him she is going to move down to aunt amy's. i hate that thought. i really hate that thought. that something would happen to Lloyd and grandma would move that far.

the grass is still brown and the sky is always cloudy it seems.
i cant seem to find enough me time. that sounds selfish. what i mean is there is never enough time for me to just sit and think a sort through the things in my head. too many things i guess. and not enough time in the day.
"im always here to help" easy to do. sometimes it seems impossibble. how can i possibly help my friends and family when im so screwed up?
its easier just to ignore it.. and i know thats horrid but sometimes i cant help it. i get sucked inside myself and everybody else just disappears.

all cracked up

Just because the door is closed doesn't mean there isn't a peep hole.
Through the crack in the wall i can see all your dirty little secrets.
You thought i'd never know
I'm carrying your shame around on my shoulders everyday
It takes me down a little lower
Lower, back to the depths of this endless black hole in me.
Its haunting, taughting, I can't escape.
Everywhere i go i'm reminded of the dirty deeds
Plus the ones that you thought were buried in the past.
But thoughs too seep through the crack.
Even the people who seem to be the closest to you never turn out to be who they seem to be.
People have secerts and we hide behind them and let them rule our lives.
They change people, build a barrier between them and the rest of the world.

12:38 a.m

"stuck, afraid, annoyed by the little things.
 these "not so real" feelings catch up with me at the most inconveinent times.
bubbley joy should be pouring out of me, but i feel not so bubbley. like a bottel of champange gone very bad.

life busy rushing like the blood runnig out of an open wound.
we run and run trying to find a way out, finding that next high, the nexy time we can feel some releif. "

 - excert from my journal on 2*20*10

so today.. err yesterday was my birthday.
i am officially 17. joyfull occasion right?
i thought so too. but now i am having second thoughts..
or third thoughts.. however you want to look at it.
people say these are the best years of our lives.. well thats a lie and i dont care who wants to argue against me. most of the time i win anyway :)

im so ready to be out and away i can taste it.. i had this feeling about driving too. and i love driving, love the feeling of having my own car. its great.. some guilt cause i dont pay anything for it, but otherwise great. so i have a pretty good feeling that im going to like being away at college and living on my own..
now i just have to wait unitil its handed to me on a silver platter :)
yes i have very high expectations!

feb. 15

         ok so its been a while since ive given you any details about my life.. and since like only two people read this, im guessing you've survived. not much has happened. ok thats a lie. a lot has happened.
i obviously dont feel like going into details right now.
but i have a good reason. im getting over a nasty stomach virus. and when i say nasty. i mean nasty.

so i have finally picked up a book and it has my attention!
finally a world far from this has beckoned my presence and i have answered the call.

i have missed only two days this six weeks and i already feel like im failing.
that stupid note policy at school has screwed up my report cards so many times i now have an anxiety issue with it.
so im into a good book my grades are slipping and i need to shave my legs. life is finally returning to normal. :)

who cares?

who cares what you have?
i just care that i dont have it.

thats right i said it.
it pisses me off that i dont have ... well i certainly cant tell you what exactly it is.
but you have it.. lots of people have them. people who shouldnt have them. have them! whereas i could handle one, i want one, and yet i dont have one!
this is the story of my life. whatever.
its my life and i've learned to deal. but sometimes i get sick and tired of it.

somtimes i want a new life.. something better. better than this.
a life where i can get and have what i want. in this life i have what i need and most of what i want.
but not this! and you have it. you little bitch!
yep thats right i called you a bitch 'cause right now thats what you are to me.
now tomorrow this may blow over but right now your a bitch.
and surprisingly im ok with this.