everyday.

everyday i am somebody new.
i am not the same person i was two day ago, two months ago, or even two years ago. everyday i evolve into something different, something new. for better or for worse.
everyday i wake up my head is spinning, my stomach is nervous for simple tasks that must be done. my dreams are filled with fears and hopes.. and as i type sitting here I'm constantly reminded that everyday is another step closer to the end. the end of school but with though endings i am happy to say that there are beginnings, beginnings that i am looking forward to. the beginning of summer, the beginning of senior year.
everyday i wake up i am somebody i different. i bring my baggage with me but everyday i try to bring a new mindset.. sometimes its better, sometimes its worse.

always have an answer

in my youth group we are always told to have an answer ready for when people ask us about Jesus, what he did for us, etc.
well i always thought i had my answer. it went something like Jesus died for everybody and he loves me and you.. really general and blah
but blah is that really my style? no!
ok so here is where the spice comes in ( hold on)

Just a little while ago i was retreating in my notebook, and since im very honest with myself there i was telling my notbook that i have been praying and reading my bible a lot more lately, and that i like the change its made in me. and then i went on to point out that almost a year has gone by since i started writing in said notebook. ( thank you Rachel)
so naturally i went back and looked at the things i was writing, things i was feeling and thinking a year ago.
and i knew they were going to be different than my recent feeling, thoughts, but i never thought i would get the revalation i got.

this is an entry for Tuesday June 16th ,2009 ( not quite a year, but it was one of the cleaner ones) :
.."  man i feel like shit! just to curl up and slowly fade away. a mind at rest and never to be troubled again. where can i get that? Nowhere!"

this was awful. i remember writing that.. it was right before our florida trip. there were /are tons of things that i cant beleive i even said!
this one is from today ( may 4th 2010):
" i've been praying about it so idk whats going to happen but im thinking im going to end up there. im excited for my future!.. "
 there were other things about school and then in the mist of writing that.. BAM! thats when i had my revalation.

last year  and a long time before that i wanted to be dead. ( omg! please do not cry.. geezz. lol) i was so screwed up. im not giving the nitty gritty details but i was a wreck. i had but God in a vault and lost the key. all i wanted was to get out and  i kept running and running, but i was only running myself farther into the ground. you probably cant tell but i can. God saved me from myself. i am happier and i have things in life im looking foward to. i know God has a plan for me to help screwed up sad girls all over the world
:) and im excited for it! im happy to be alive .. last year i wouldnt have said that.

so when somebody asks me why i go to chuch, why i love God.. or anything like that.
i have an answer. God loved me and all the other screwed up people so much he sent Jesus to die for them. i was so abosrbed in my own crap i failed to see that he had something epic for me up his sleeve :)there is a place i can curl up and rest. i can escape all the crap and not worry about it anymore. 
Matthew 11:28-30 :" Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and i will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for i am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

you may not see it yet.. my exterior is pretty rought but God's working on it, and this time im not fighting him :)

so ask me.. i dare you.

just read it:

scared, battered, beaten, and bruised.
i offer my body to you. mind, heart and soul
its all i have to give.
i am just a peasant brought into your courts by the grace of a savior.
you took my clothing worn of past damages
and gave me jewls i thought my eyes would never see.
my feelings left me homeless but now i have a castle by the sea.
what was lost is now found
everyday i plunge deeper into the abyss of our love.
taking a leap and finding adventure in the walk


... ( to be continued?)

Skillet.

my hair is a tangled rats nest, im procrastinating on my spanish project, im already for the week to be over, and its only sunday.
"why is she so ready for the week to be over?" you may be asking.
GOOD QUESTION!!! I'm ready for the week to be over this weekend, your truely is going to see the best band in the world! thats right SKILLET! :) its going to be awesome. and i REFUSE! i mean refuse! to leave until i meet John Cooper. Lead vocals and hottest man ever. ( well, he's pretty close up there)
yea. i just a tiny bit excited.

ok thats all the time i have for today..

"you fight the world from the inside out"

well well well, hello cyberspace. its been to long.

if your not doing much but reading this here blog entry, go listen to lifehouse's new album "Smoke and Mirrors" its great! i bought and then i fell in love with it and now im recomending it to you. ..see how generous i am :) i perfer song "it is what it is" and "in your skin" thoughs are my faves.. right now.

so to say my life had regained balance is a lie, and we both know that.
i dont generally mention names in here...well i try not to. anywho.
Lloyd has cancer, and my grandma is freaked.  to tell you the truth i am too. Lloyd's a pretty cool guy and he means the world to my grandma. she told my that if anything were to happen to him she is going to move down to aunt amy's. i hate that thought. i really hate that thought. that something would happen to Lloyd and grandma would move that far.

the grass is still brown and the sky is always cloudy it seems.
i cant seem to find enough me time. that sounds selfish. what i mean is there is never enough time for me to just sit and think a sort through the things in my head. too many things i guess. and not enough time in the day.
"im always here to help" easy to do. sometimes it seems impossibble. how can i possibly help my friends and family when im so screwed up?
its easier just to ignore it.. and i know thats horrid but sometimes i cant help it. i get sucked inside myself and everybody else just disappears.

all cracked up

Just because the door is closed doesn't mean there isn't a peep hole.
Through the crack in the wall i can see all your dirty little secrets.
You thought i'd never know
I'm carrying your shame around on my shoulders everyday
It takes me down a little lower
Lower, back to the depths of this endless black hole in me.
Its haunting, taughting, I can't escape.
Everywhere i go i'm reminded of the dirty deeds
Plus the ones that you thought were buried in the past.
But thoughs too seep through the crack.
Even the people who seem to be the closest to you never turn out to be who they seem to be.
People have secerts and we hide behind them and let them rule our lives.
They change people, build a barrier between them and the rest of the world.

12:38 a.m

"stuck, afraid, annoyed by the little things.
 these "not so real" feelings catch up with me at the most inconveinent times.
bubbley joy should be pouring out of me, but i feel not so bubbley. like a bottel of champange gone very bad.

life busy rushing like the blood runnig out of an open wound.
we run and run trying to find a way out, finding that next high, the nexy time we can feel some releif. "

 - excert from my journal on 2*20*10

so today.. err yesterday was my birthday.
i am officially 17. joyfull occasion right?
i thought so too. but now i am having second thoughts..
or third thoughts.. however you want to look at it.
people say these are the best years of our lives.. well thats a lie and i dont care who wants to argue against me. most of the time i win anyway :)

im so ready to be out and away i can taste it.. i had this feeling about driving too. and i love driving, love the feeling of having my own car. its great.. some guilt cause i dont pay anything for it, but otherwise great. so i have a pretty good feeling that im going to like being away at college and living on my own..
now i just have to wait unitil its handed to me on a silver platter :)
yes i have very high expectations!