i can feel it again, rising up from my core..
that bad feeling of being alone, and useless. where everything is coming at me at once and i just know I'm not going to be able to handle it.
i hate to admit that I'm jealous.. but i am jealous of every body's happiness. its not fair that everyone around me has things together, and i cant hold on to anything. the smug smile's on their faces makes me want to puke. it strikes the rage i tried to bury but it comes up all the time now. boiling and ready to spew! i cant take it out on anybody but myself and that's not good. "not healthy" is probably the better term.
i don't want people to feel sorry for me, that just makes things worse.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
"this is the last night.."
yep. that's right. the last night here on connell rd. i haven't even tried going to bed yet cause I'm certain i wont be able to sleep. plus Rachel is in there so i wouldn't be able to enjoy it anyways.. no offense, I've just gotten so used to sleeping alone.
i still can't get the idea to sink in my head that we are really moving. its exciting, scary frustrating... every emotion all at once. all these people , friends and family, are coming to help us move tomorrow. don't get me wrong I'm grateful, but.. I'd rather them not help. i just have a thing about people touching our stuff, my stuff. i also don't want them to see the ugly mess this house had become. literally and metaphorically.
i don't want to elaborate ..sorry.
i have the time, just not the energy nor the words to express every thought in my head; everything spins so fast its hard to grab on to anything. when i grab onto something, I'll head back and elaborate. now I'm going to shut the lights off and try to sleep.
nighty night.
i still can't get the idea to sink in my head that we are really moving. its exciting, scary frustrating... every emotion all at once. all these people , friends and family, are coming to help us move tomorrow. don't get me wrong I'm grateful, but.. I'd rather them not help. i just have a thing about people touching our stuff, my stuff. i also don't want them to see the ugly mess this house had become. literally and metaphorically.
i don't want to elaborate ..sorry.
i have the time, just not the energy nor the words to express every thought in my head; everything spins so fast its hard to grab on to anything. when i grab onto something, I'll head back and elaborate. now I'm going to shut the lights off and try to sleep.
nighty night.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
updated updates!
"we sucked so bad we could be in twilight" - Made the Movie.
No specific reason for opening up with that quote, other than in its context its seriously funny. The movie isn't so bad either. Me and mom are in the process of watching it (we paused to grab some grub).
This week school started back. The only thing I can complain about thus far is that I didn't get a senior parking pass, so I have to park all the way out in underclassman parking lot... which sucks! But I'm still keeping a positive outlook. My classes seem good, so that's good. and that sentence was repetitive.
We are moving this week/weekend. That lady finally moved out and mother put the down payment down. I'm excited, yet confused at the same time. Some part of me wants to be sad. I don't know. I'm just going to go with the flow. College is still up in the air. I'm still shooting for Evangel, however I need to look at other places to apply to also. Don't want to put all my eggs in one basket, as they say.
So that's about all that's been going on lately.
Peace bloggers ;)
No specific reason for opening up with that quote, other than in its context its seriously funny. The movie isn't so bad either. Me and mom are in the process of watching it (we paused to grab some grub).
This week school started back. The only thing I can complain about thus far is that I didn't get a senior parking pass, so I have to park all the way out in underclassman parking lot... which sucks! But I'm still keeping a positive outlook. My classes seem good, so that's good. and that sentence was repetitive.
We are moving this week/weekend. That lady finally moved out and mother put the down payment down. I'm excited, yet confused at the same time. Some part of me wants to be sad. I don't know. I'm just going to go with the flow. College is still up in the air. I'm still shooting for Evangel, however I need to look at other places to apply to also. Don't want to put all my eggs in one basket, as they say.
So that's about all that's been going on lately.
Peace bloggers ;)
Monday, August 23, 2010
GOOD GRAVEY! its august!
Time has flown by this Summer, to say the least.
I just got bank for a Church mission trip to the Outer Banks. If you have never been I encourage you to go, its epic! We did a lot of fun stuff, but we also did stuff for the Lord and that was awesome. Not to mention the reason we went down there. lol. We did some door to door stuff, telling people about the Assemblies of God church down there and inviting them to out wed. night service we did. I don't think anybody showed up that night, but we went out again Thursday and a lot of people seemed interested. Well except that lady at this apartment complex who threathed to call the cops. She was nasty. In every since of the word. She chased us out screaming that we were soliciting. Which we were not! But we left anyway...
The lady we stayed with, Ms. Hazel, was so great. I told her I was just going to live with her, but no I didn't cause you know my mom would miss me ;)
I could ramble on and on, but I'd be here forever. ..err at least a week.
We haven't moved yet. Yes, that was sussposed to happen a month ago, but that little lady refuses to leave! So school starts wedensday ( UGHH!) and we are still living here! I don't want to go to school, but I am ready for senior to come, and go! I still haven't made any head way on any decisions about college. I really want to go to Evangel, but I'm torn. I want to go there my parents think i should stay here, so I know I want I just ca't figure out what God wants me to do. .. thats the hard part. I keep praying about, and I still have some time. This year I'm going to try to make the best of school and my grades. Things will eventually turn out good..right?.. I can only hope.
I just got bank for a Church mission trip to the Outer Banks. If you have never been I encourage you to go, its epic! We did a lot of fun stuff, but we also did stuff for the Lord and that was awesome. Not to mention the reason we went down there. lol. We did some door to door stuff, telling people about the Assemblies of God church down there and inviting them to out wed. night service we did. I don't think anybody showed up that night, but we went out again Thursday and a lot of people seemed interested. Well except that lady at this apartment complex who threathed to call the cops. She was nasty. In every since of the word. She chased us out screaming that we were soliciting. Which we were not! But we left anyway...
The lady we stayed with, Ms. Hazel, was so great. I told her I was just going to live with her, but no I didn't cause you know my mom would miss me ;)
I could ramble on and on, but I'd be here forever. ..err at least a week.
We haven't moved yet. Yes, that was sussposed to happen a month ago, but that little lady refuses to leave! So school starts wedensday ( UGHH!) and we are still living here! I don't want to go to school, but I am ready for senior to come, and go! I still haven't made any head way on any decisions about college. I really want to go to Evangel, but I'm torn. I want to go there my parents think i should stay here, so I know I want I just ca't figure out what God wants me to do. .. thats the hard part. I keep praying about, and I still have some time. This year I'm going to try to make the best of school and my grades. Things will eventually turn out good..right?.. I can only hope.
Friday, July 23, 2010
apparently i want to be a writer and i haven't been on since may!
Hola bloggers,
what is up? So obviously it has been a long while since I've been on. May 31st, to be exact.
There has been so much going on in my complicated life. I'm seriously going to sell myself to soap.net.
Anyways, let's cut to the chase. It's summer and its hot as hell.. so i hear. Never been, and don't plan to visit.
My parents spilt. But that was after my sister left. Rachel moved back home, I just completed reading an entire book (took me all summer but i did it!) and something else I was gong to say, but its slipped my mind.
Yea this hasn't exactly been the ideal summer, but it could be worse. Oh wait. It did. I went last Friday to take my senior pictures and took my ipod. While I was taking my pictures Lacy and Rachel were listening to it. I don't know exactly what happened to it, but it got lost. Yep. Lost. Gone forever. I was so pissed. I still am a little upset but I know that something good will come from this, I hope. In the midst of all this I feel like I'm spinning out of control.
My dad left in June and I really haven't seen him that much, and don't really care to. That sounds rash and maybe it is. But whatever, nice isn't really my thing is it?
We are moving to an apartment, when I say we I mean my mom, my sister, Lacy, and me. The apartments are really nice. And close to our church. Which everybody loves. I do too. But there is this uneasy feeling in my stomach. I want to leave so bad, I can taste the sensation of leaving, but I didn't want to leave my house like this. I grew up here so obviously there are sentimental values here.
Well now I've blocked myself, not really sure where to go with this. That seems to be my constant problem in life. Not knowing what to do next. I know what I want but I feel like I', being tied down by lack of support. People see the negative first, the risk, the cost. I see the good. The opportunities. If this is what God wants me to do I know he will provide for me. I believe that with all my heart. I don't think my purpose is here in Richmond County.
OK so in the midst of all this going on I have come across two groups that are so awesome. Well I think I've come across a few bands since I was last on. "Since October" "Halestorm" and "The Letter Black" are all great bands that you, dear reader, if you haven't already heard of them you need to go check them out. Go now! Do it! The Letter Black was at the Skillet concert. Which I don't remember if I wrote about or not and even if I did please let me restate that it was epic! Best show ever. I got to meet John Cooper. I almost died. :) So great!
..well I was going to upload an image,but my computer is being gay. Next time I'll do it.
what is up? So obviously it has been a long while since I've been on. May 31st, to be exact.
There has been so much going on in my complicated life. I'm seriously going to sell myself to soap.net.
Anyways, let's cut to the chase. It's summer and its hot as hell.. so i hear. Never been, and don't plan to visit.
My parents spilt. But that was after my sister left. Rachel moved back home, I just completed reading an entire book (took me all summer but i did it!) and something else I was gong to say, but its slipped my mind.
Yea this hasn't exactly been the ideal summer, but it could be worse. Oh wait. It did. I went last Friday to take my senior pictures and took my ipod. While I was taking my pictures Lacy and Rachel were listening to it. I don't know exactly what happened to it, but it got lost. Yep. Lost. Gone forever. I was so pissed. I still am a little upset but I know that something good will come from this, I hope. In the midst of all this I feel like I'm spinning out of control.
My dad left in June and I really haven't seen him that much, and don't really care to. That sounds rash and maybe it is. But whatever, nice isn't really my thing is it?
We are moving to an apartment, when I say we I mean my mom, my sister, Lacy, and me. The apartments are really nice. And close to our church. Which everybody loves. I do too. But there is this uneasy feeling in my stomach. I want to leave so bad, I can taste the sensation of leaving, but I didn't want to leave my house like this. I grew up here so obviously there are sentimental values here.
Well now I've blocked myself, not really sure where to go with this. That seems to be my constant problem in life. Not knowing what to do next. I know what I want but I feel like I', being tied down by lack of support. People see the negative first, the risk, the cost. I see the good. The opportunities. If this is what God wants me to do I know he will provide for me. I believe that with all my heart. I don't think my purpose is here in Richmond County.
OK so in the midst of all this going on I have come across two groups that are so awesome. Well I think I've come across a few bands since I was last on. "Since October" "Halestorm" and "The Letter Black" are all great bands that you, dear reader, if you haven't already heard of them you need to go check them out. Go now! Do it! The Letter Black was at the Skillet concert. Which I don't remember if I wrote about or not and even if I did please let me restate that it was epic! Best show ever. I got to meet John Cooper. I almost died. :) So great!
..well I was going to upload an image,but my computer is being gay. Next time I'll do it.
Monday, May 31, 2010
everyday.
everyday i am somebody new.
i am not the same person i was two day ago, two months ago, or even two years ago. everyday i evolve into something different, something new. for better or for worse.
everyday i wake up my head is spinning, my stomach is nervous for simple tasks that must be done. my dreams are filled with fears and hopes.. and as i type sitting here I'm constantly reminded that everyday is another step closer to the end. the end of school but with though endings i am happy to say that there are beginnings, beginnings that i am looking forward to. the beginning of summer, the beginning of senior year.
everyday i wake up i am somebody i different. i bring my baggage with me but everyday i try to bring a new mindset.. sometimes its better, sometimes its worse.
i am not the same person i was two day ago, two months ago, or even two years ago. everyday i evolve into something different, something new. for better or for worse.
everyday i wake up my head is spinning, my stomach is nervous for simple tasks that must be done. my dreams are filled with fears and hopes.. and as i type sitting here I'm constantly reminded that everyday is another step closer to the end. the end of school but with though endings i am happy to say that there are beginnings, beginnings that i am looking forward to. the beginning of summer, the beginning of senior year.
everyday i wake up i am somebody i different. i bring my baggage with me but everyday i try to bring a new mindset.. sometimes its better, sometimes its worse.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
always have an answer
in my youth group we are always told to have an answer ready for when people ask us about Jesus, what he did for us, etc.
well i always thought i had my answer. it went something like Jesus died for everybody and he loves me and you.. really general and blah
but blah is that really my style? no!
ok so here is where the spice comes in ( hold on)
Just a little while ago i was retreating in my notebook, and since im very honest with myself there i was telling my notbook that i have been praying and reading my bible a lot more lately, and that i like the change its made in me. and then i went on to point out that almost a year has gone by since i started writing in said notebook. ( thank you Rachel)
so naturally i went back and looked at the things i was writing, things i was feeling and thinking a year ago.
and i knew they were going to be different than my recent feeling, thoughts, but i never thought i would get the revalation i got.
this is an entry for Tuesday June 16th ,2009 ( not quite a year, but it was one of the cleaner ones) :
.." man i feel like shit! just to curl up and slowly fade away. a mind at rest and never to be troubled again. where can i get that? Nowhere!"
this was awful. i remember writing that.. it was right before our florida trip. there were /are tons of things that i cant beleive i even said!
this one is from today ( may 4th 2010):
" i've been praying about it so idk whats going to happen but im thinking im going to end up there. im excited for my future!.. "
there were other things about school and then in the mist of writing that.. BAM! thats when i had my revalation.
last year and a long time before that i wanted to be dead. ( omg! please do not cry.. geezz. lol) i was so screwed up. im not giving the nitty gritty details but i was a wreck. i had but God in a vault and lost the key. all i wanted was to get out and i kept running and running, but i was only running myself farther into the ground. you probably cant tell but i can. God saved me from myself. i am happier and i have things in life im looking foward to. i know God has a plan for me to help screwed up sad girls all over the world
:) and im excited for it! im happy to be alive .. last year i wouldnt have said that.
so when somebody asks me why i go to chuch, why i love God.. or anything like that.
i have an answer. God loved me and all the other screwed up people so much he sent Jesus to die for them. i was so abosrbed in my own crap i failed to see that he had something epic for me up his sleeve :)there is a place i can curl up and rest. i can escape all the crap and not worry about it anymore.
Matthew 11:28-30 :" Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and i will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for i am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
you may not see it yet.. my exterior is pretty rought but God's working on it, and this time im not fighting him :)
so ask me.. i dare you.
well i always thought i had my answer. it went something like Jesus died for everybody and he loves me and you.. really general and blah
but blah is that really my style? no!
ok so here is where the spice comes in ( hold on)
Just a little while ago i was retreating in my notebook, and since im very honest with myself there i was telling my notbook that i have been praying and reading my bible a lot more lately, and that i like the change its made in me. and then i went on to point out that almost a year has gone by since i started writing in said notebook. ( thank you Rachel)
so naturally i went back and looked at the things i was writing, things i was feeling and thinking a year ago.
and i knew they were going to be different than my recent feeling, thoughts, but i never thought i would get the revalation i got.
this is an entry for Tuesday June 16th ,2009 ( not quite a year, but it was one of the cleaner ones) :
.." man i feel like shit! just to curl up and slowly fade away. a mind at rest and never to be troubled again. where can i get that? Nowhere!"
this was awful. i remember writing that.. it was right before our florida trip. there were /are tons of things that i cant beleive i even said!
this one is from today ( may 4th 2010):
" i've been praying about it so idk whats going to happen but im thinking im going to end up there. im excited for my future!.. "
there were other things about school and then in the mist of writing that.. BAM! thats when i had my revalation.
last year and a long time before that i wanted to be dead. ( omg! please do not cry.. geezz. lol) i was so screwed up. im not giving the nitty gritty details but i was a wreck. i had but God in a vault and lost the key. all i wanted was to get out and i kept running and running, but i was only running myself farther into the ground. you probably cant tell but i can. God saved me from myself. i am happier and i have things in life im looking foward to. i know God has a plan for me to help screwed up sad girls all over the world
:) and im excited for it! im happy to be alive .. last year i wouldnt have said that.
so when somebody asks me why i go to chuch, why i love God.. or anything like that.
i have an answer. God loved me and all the other screwed up people so much he sent Jesus to die for them. i was so abosrbed in my own crap i failed to see that he had something epic for me up his sleeve :)there is a place i can curl up and rest. i can escape all the crap and not worry about it anymore.
Matthew 11:28-30 :" Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and i will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for i am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
you may not see it yet.. my exterior is pretty rought but God's working on it, and this time im not fighting him :)
so ask me.. i dare you.
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