Friday, February 17, 2012

sometimes i forget that i used to...

I've seen "A Raisin in the Sun" 5 times now, (I'm running lights for the community show)and I still have four more shows to do! Not that I'm complaining (ok, maybe a little). I don't know what my problem was tonight. I couldn't focus on the play, it felt like it was never going to end. 

Every time I see the show I get something out of it. It makes you realize how much family is important. But then it gets your wheels turning about your family and how messed up it is. 
Mommy and Daddy are always at each others throats, your always fighting with your little sister, never see your big sister, nor your grandmother for that matter, and let's not even bring up the fact that there is always Daddy's girlfriend lurking in the background to sweeten the deal. 
I start to think about all that, and then I stop because it makes me sick on my stomach. 
My crack pot family( just for the record its only OK when I call them that!) stresses me out, but there not the only ones. School has not been going well either lately. I can't focus at work. I can't hardly eat. 
You know something is up when a fat chick can't eat. I take a few bites and I'm nausea. 
I feel myself slipping, maybe it's just the weather. 
Maybe not. 

Sometimes I forget that I used to fantasize about death. I wanted to die desperately. I'll catch myself off guard thinking about it. I was telling a friend the other day that I believe that once that evil has come upon, it never fully goes away. You get over it, in a sense where your life goes on, but deep down in you it will always be there. Not dominate, but dormant, lurking, to remind you. What it reminds you of is personal: shame, guilt, anger... the list could go on and on.
But on the bright side of that, we have Hope, wherever you find it: family, friends, religion, the beach, books, music, animals,..the list could go on and on. 
I choose to find my hope in all of those things ( which is why I listed them. muahah).

I didn't exactly mean to go this direction, but it was on my mind, and it has been awhile since we've discussed anything "deep". 

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