always have an answer

in my youth group we are always told to have an answer ready for when people ask us about Jesus, what he did for us, etc.
well i always thought i had my answer. it went something like Jesus died for everybody and he loves me and you.. really general and blah
but blah is that really my style? no!
ok so here is where the spice comes in ( hold on)

Just a little while ago i was retreating in my notebook, and since im very honest with myself there i was telling my notbook that i have been praying and reading my bible a lot more lately, and that i like the change its made in me. and then i went on to point out that almost a year has gone by since i started writing in said notebook. ( thank you Rachel)
so naturally i went back and looked at the things i was writing, things i was feeling and thinking a year ago.
and i knew they were going to be different than my recent feeling, thoughts, but i never thought i would get the revalation i got.

this is an entry for Tuesday June 16th ,2009 ( not quite a year, but it was one of the cleaner ones) :
.."  man i feel like shit! just to curl up and slowly fade away. a mind at rest and never to be troubled again. where can i get that? Nowhere!"

this was awful. i remember writing that.. it was right before our florida trip. there were /are tons of things that i cant beleive i even said!
this one is from today ( may 4th 2010):
" i've been praying about it so idk whats going to happen but im thinking im going to end up there. im excited for my future!.. "
 there were other things about school and then in the mist of writing that.. BAM! thats when i had my revalation.

last year  and a long time before that i wanted to be dead. ( omg! please do not cry.. geezz. lol) i was so screwed up. im not giving the nitty gritty details but i was a wreck. i had but God in a vault and lost the key. all i wanted was to get out and  i kept running and running, but i was only running myself farther into the ground. you probably cant tell but i can. God saved me from myself. i am happier and i have things in life im looking foward to. i know God has a plan for me to help screwed up sad girls all over the world
:) and im excited for it! im happy to be alive .. last year i wouldnt have said that.

so when somebody asks me why i go to chuch, why i love God.. or anything like that.
i have an answer. God loved me and all the other screwed up people so much he sent Jesus to die for them. i was so abosrbed in my own crap i failed to see that he had something epic for me up his sleeve :)there is a place i can curl up and rest. i can escape all the crap and not worry about it anymore. 
Matthew 11:28-30 :" Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and i will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for i am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

you may not see it yet.. my exterior is pretty rought but God's working on it, and this time im not fighting him :)

so ask me.. i dare you.

catching you up on my life

just call me a party animal.. 

Saturday two of my dearest friends had a graduation party and i must say it was rather epic. i had so much fun! (isn't that the point of parties... yes but i've been  to other parties where i just look at the clock the whole time) ..wait , i think i've already talked about this... anywho..

i don't believe i've talked about the thing. oh m g! i have no idea what got into me. sunday rolled around and  i still had no earthy clue as to what to say. i was stressing a little but i figured something would eventually come to me.. i mean all i had to do was share my faith ( but of course i have to make things overly complicated!) sunday afternoon rolled around.. nothing. so eventually the clock was ticking and it was time for me to get dressed and go.. i snapped. i started crying like a two year, begging my mom not to make me go. she was clam and talked me through my tantrum ( i still cannot get over that, i am so ashamed of myself). i got there and had my measly note cards,, that by the way had almost everything scratched out on them! i also took along my trusty blog post always have an answer. as i was standing in line.. feeling like i was going to throw up my lunch.. my favorite teacher( who i was so glad showed up!) came and talked to me and my friends continued to encourage me. i eventually just decided to read my blog post.. why i didn't just stick with that in the first place i don't know. i was still nervous and i did my best to focus on the whole service and then they called my name to go up i was literally freaking out.. but once i got on stage i felt relaxed and i literally could feel God with me. I read my post and added some other things to it and i must say it went really well. oh and like a ra tard.. i ended with something like this " yea so umm.. that was a really bad way to end that.. go 2011!"

haha. but it was cool. i was glad i had the opportunity to speak.

since i'm on a roll of catching you up on my life.. 

i got my room cleaned.. and i mean i deep cleaned. i dusted and got rid of some stuff that was just taking up room and i hung up some epic wall art i got for my birthday ( yea, after four months) 

yesterday another friend of mine had a par tay.. where we got eat up with bugs!! then some of us went swimming and i didn't til twelve and my mom was like creeping, waiting for me to come in. she started talking to me about making good choices and drinking and driving.. and somehow she found out about the prom fiasco! all i could do was laugh.. she was half asleep trying to give me words of wisdom, but it was well taken.

yea so um.. that was a really bad way to end that.. go 2011 ;)