I expect better of myself.

Over the course of the day I haven't done much, just to be honest with you. 
(This blog is supposed to be about me and my journey through life... at least that's what I think it's supposed to be about. )
Sometimes I surprise myself at how lazy I can be. Which we all knew that, didn't we? 
My room is a complete disaster. Clothes, clean clothes, are in a pile on the floor, the dirty clothes hamper is full again, my closet kinda exploded on itself and my table and dresser... let's not even go there. 
My bathroom needs cleaning.. not to mention all the stuff that STILL needs to be done for my sister's wedding on SATURDAY! 
I can't start talking about that or I'll be here all night. 


You're probably wondering why I'm blogging instead of cleaning my room or cleaning out wine bottles for the wedding. Stop wondering that! I was messing on the computer and here I am. 
Don't give me that look you know you love spending time with me :) 


Due to certain circumstances I haven't been working a lot lately and school is out, so I haven't been doing much which makes me feel extra lazy! I've kinda gotten into the habit of sleeping a lot and... well that's about it. Sleeping. A lot. 
I'm hoping that once work picks back up I'll have more motivation and not feel like such a waste of space. Plus I'll have some cash flow. Which is always a good sign. "Love that money!" to quote Ricky Bobby. 
I think I can handle work starting back, but I'll admit I'm not ready for school. I finally got everything squared away, classes scheduled and financial aid done. But I'm not mentally prepared. 
Last semester threw me for a loop, to say the least. This summer break I plan on getting myself back on track and ready to tackle school. I had a long talk with myself, well I've had several talks with myself, and I expect better of myself! 

Deep update on my life!

Summer has finally here!! 

Starting off my summer propped up on the couch because my back is hurting is not how imagined it would be... But you know, that whole "dreams coming true" crap is for the birds.

That come off a bit snarky didn't it? 

Any who.. enough about back pain. 

 The best part about summer is that school is out! Finally I can stop stressing about procrastinating. Such a load off. The one thing I learned this past semester is that starting out on the wrong foot leads to you never regaining balance and falling. Which is exactly what happened to my academic life this semester. 

I've had time to reflect, I guess you could say. I changed all my plans (i.e: Missouri) and now I feel like I'm at step one again. Well maybe not step one, step five wondering if I should back track to step two or close my eyes and jump to step six. So many steps!!!

I also learned that I need to make another plan. I decided not to go to Missouri, but to stay here, get an associates degree and then go from there. My plan to go to  Missouri was fueled by a burning passion to get out and just go. For a long time I felt trapped in my own skin and I thought running away would solve everything. As time go closer and I realized what I was leaving behind ( not to mention the academic turmoil that was brewing) I started to panic. 

Through a lot of thinking and talking and more thinking and more talking and one weird episode of crying, I finally reached a point where I'm not panicking. 

I'm simply just here. 

I've also realized that's it's OK to just be here. At least for right now. Right here gives me the chance to do some more thinking, talking, and crying so that I can figure out what I really want from life so that I get the most out of it.

catching you up on my life

just call me a party animal.. 

Saturday two of my dearest friends had a graduation party and i must say it was rather epic. i had so much fun! (isn't that the point of parties... yes but i've been  to other parties where i just look at the clock the whole time) ..wait , i think i've already talked about this... anywho..

i don't believe i've talked about the thing. oh m g! i have no idea what got into me. sunday rolled around and  i still had no earthy clue as to what to say. i was stressing a little but i figured something would eventually come to me.. i mean all i had to do was share my faith ( but of course i have to make things overly complicated!) sunday afternoon rolled around.. nothing. so eventually the clock was ticking and it was time for me to get dressed and go.. i snapped. i started crying like a two year, begging my mom not to make me go. she was clam and talked me through my tantrum ( i still cannot get over that, i am so ashamed of myself). i got there and had my measly note cards,, that by the way had almost everything scratched out on them! i also took along my trusty blog post always have an answer. as i was standing in line.. feeling like i was going to throw up my lunch.. my favorite teacher( who i was so glad showed up!) came and talked to me and my friends continued to encourage me. i eventually just decided to read my blog post.. why i didn't just stick with that in the first place i don't know. i was still nervous and i did my best to focus on the whole service and then they called my name to go up i was literally freaking out.. but once i got on stage i felt relaxed and i literally could feel God with me. I read my post and added some other things to it and i must say it went really well. oh and like a ra tard.. i ended with something like this " yea so umm.. that was a really bad way to end that.. go 2011!"

haha. but it was cool. i was glad i had the opportunity to speak.

since i'm on a roll of catching you up on my life.. 

i got my room cleaned.. and i mean i deep cleaned. i dusted and got rid of some stuff that was just taking up room and i hung up some epic wall art i got for my birthday ( yea, after four months) 

yesterday another friend of mine had a par tay.. where we got eat up with bugs!! then some of us went swimming and i didn't til twelve and my mom was like creeping, waiting for me to come in. she started talking to me about making good choices and drinking and driving.. and somehow she found out about the prom fiasco! all i could do was laugh.. she was half asleep trying to give me words of wisdom, but it was well taken.

yea so um.. that was a really bad way to end that.. go 2011 ;)

brittany spears and panic at the disco on my ipod = eargasim :)

wow so its been a little while since i've posted anything.. i have to admit i have been on here and started stuff but they never got finished.

this week we returned back to school after a much needed break. but two days back in and i need another break. which is good cause after exams i get another one :) thank god.
i dont feel like myself lately. ...well i guess i dont know what im feeling cause feeling "like myself" is something i dont recognize either.. bummer? i guess.. maybe...maybe not.
im just trying to figure out what i want from myself, from life, and the people in it.
so far i have no idea. what i want. i just need to get out. get away from this place, these people. together they are an evil force destroying my life one day at a time.

but dispite these evil forces at work.. my music tastes have taken a complete 180.
right now im listening to brittayn spears and in my car the radio is set to a country station!
what? why?
i dont know.. i just like it. its what im feeling :)
and as we all know i act on impulsive feeling... sometimes thats a good thing, other times not so much.





taking one for the team
not my style.
her style is taking one for the whole world.
heartbreak and strikeout
are all thats in the line up.
homerun for the enemy
and the hoe got all the way to second
base.
your emotions whirl up and down
tastey like a hotdog
but sour like a lemon icee.
summer came and gone
winter is here
froze my heart and your brain
close the gates.
we'll be back next season.