adults worry about growing up too pt.1

This morning, as well as yesterday.. in fact now that I think about it, I've been feeling like this for a while now. 

Often, I get this fear that I'm losing myself, which immediately brings this panic of "do I really know who I am?" Of course, this may just be left over teenage insecurities? Or is that wishful thinking? Don't adults worry about growing up too? I believe it stems from not wanting to get to the end of your life and have regret. It's easy to get caught up in the hype and pressure of "YOLO" and "carpe diem." Live life to the fullest and squeeze everything you can out of it. The sad part comes from all the limitations that we face, and even create for ourselves. 

Lately, I just feel trapped in this box. The crazy thing is that the box has windows and a door, I just don't know how to get out. I'm making myself stay in this place where I feel helpless. And then on top of that I think, your problem is that you spend too much time thinking about yourself. If you can get out of your head, you'd be ok. I believe me, too. I know that small problems can be just that, small, hardly a problem. But if you spend too much time chewing and mulling it over that it turns into this huge monster and you don't even want to get out of the bed in the morning. 

Whew, life sucks and then you die, huh? 

Sorry to lay this on you, but I feel like if I don't get it out I'll just keep chewing and mulling. And quite frankly, I don't have time to spiral into depression right now. The end of school has popped up and so have papers and tests. I am so ready for break, I can taste it. Yummy. 

me, taylor swift, and israel

SORRY FOR THE ABSENCE!

to be brief and blunt.. i feel like i have fallen off my rocker.
i have come to the conclusion that i don't like school. i i tell you otherwise i'm probably lying. i'm pretty good at that.. or am i? *strokes mustache*

today i have managed to make about 3% progress... as opposed to the 15% i usually try to make.

also today i gave myself a homemade hair cut because i have no money and had absolutely disgusting split ends. however, i have my own scissors, so i just took matters into my own hands. muahahaha.

currently i am listening to Taylor Swift, trying not to fall into the depths of dispair. i've been there a lot lately(hence fallen off rocker)
i am having a hard time adjusting and demons from my past.. that never really stayed in my past have caught up with me. before i reach suicidal breakdown mode again, i contacted my schools counseling service and i'm seeing someone. i just started and so i've really only complained about my english teacher (who is the devil's spawn, btw) apparently i have to figure out what "emily wants". what's going to make her happy? and i'll have you know, i told her my circus idea and she did not object!!!

but enough of that..

tomorrow will mark 6 months of dating Israel. ( a.k.a jeremiah, jerusalem, moses...)
i'm honest to goodness happy about this. yes, of course he makes me jump for joy and goo goo eyed, but over all he makes me content, which makes me happy. i feel like this is one of the most stable things in my life right now. most people don't get that, and people probably think we're crazy, which we probably are, but that works for us.

on an ending note, that's a life lesson i've recently learned: different things work for different people. relationships, school, work, dog preference.. and so on. we have no right to judge what others do.. even that's hard a lot of times. "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" 

i hate growing up

"I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare. I'm just a kid, I know that it's not fair." - Simple Plan 

When exactly do you stop being considered a kid? 
12, when you're not supposed to order off the kids menu anymore? 
16, when you start driving?
18, when you are "legal"?
21, when you can buy booze?
When you stop sitting at the kids table at family dinners? 
When you have kids yourself? 


I've knocked the first three off my list ( even though I still eat off the kids menu sometimes), but sometimes I still feel like a little kid. When kids are little all they..err.. we... dream of is growing up.
Driving, making money, not having so much authority to answer to. Only once we get "grown up" ourselves we realize that all the money we make on our own goes into the car so that we can drive. And the authority we answer to are fat white people on capitol hill, who take the rest of the money we make, that's not in the gas tank.
Can I get an AMEN?! 
I'm not even at full "grown up" status and I'm ready to book it back to the kids table.
Mostly because all my money is in the gas tank, I've realized that I hate making my own decisions, I still can't have booze, and I'm terrified to have my own children. 


Let me back track... Sometimes I like making my own decisions. But when it comes to the big stuff like college or a job or life choices, I secretly think it would be easier if I had somebody to tell me what to do.


All this was inspired from listening to Simple Plan's "Grow up". Thanks, Simple Plan for depressing me on growing up. I got to thinking about how much things really suck now that I'm more aware of the world I live in. And yesterday I had the quick thought that I was going to run out of time. Like now that I am growing up and I've realized there are so many things I'd like to do and accomplished, I may not get the chance to do everything. 
I quickly put that thought away...