first post of 2013

The past month/ new year has flooded my brain with so much confusion that sometimes I just feel numb. To be perfectly honest with you. 

Yesterday, I got to thinking (naturally..) what if I'm just bored with my life? I felt this terrible sense of dread, yet at the same time knew I wasn't scared of anything. I just feel so weighed down by the mundane that has become my life. So many changes have taken place, and everything is starting to settle and my inner self is screaming at the top of her lungs WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU SURE WE ARE READY FOR THIS??! 

And everyday I hang my head a little lower and say I have no clue. 

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things that are going great! 

However, we, as mere mortals, all know that the bad almost always outshines the good. 

I never pictured I'd be where I am today. 

(Story of my life)

But then again, isn't that one of life's greatest mysteries? 

Amongst my inner turmoil, life is in full swing. My second semester at Pembroke is going nicely so far. The only complaints I have so far are brief: 

1. I signed up for an extra online class.. so far = big mistake. 

2. My economics class about brings me to tears everyday because it's so boring. 

3. I got a ticket today because I have yet to get a parking pass. (But I assure you, this problem will be rectified asap.) 

me, taylor swift, and israel

SORRY FOR THE ABSENCE!

to be brief and blunt.. i feel like i have fallen off my rocker.
i have come to the conclusion that i don't like school. i i tell you otherwise i'm probably lying. i'm pretty good at that.. or am i? *strokes mustache*

today i have managed to make about 3% progress... as opposed to the 15% i usually try to make.

also today i gave myself a homemade hair cut because i have no money and had absolutely disgusting split ends. however, i have my own scissors, so i just took matters into my own hands. muahahaha.

currently i am listening to Taylor Swift, trying not to fall into the depths of dispair. i've been there a lot lately(hence fallen off rocker)
i am having a hard time adjusting and demons from my past.. that never really stayed in my past have caught up with me. before i reach suicidal breakdown mode again, i contacted my schools counseling service and i'm seeing someone. i just started and so i've really only complained about my english teacher (who is the devil's spawn, btw) apparently i have to figure out what "emily wants". what's going to make her happy? and i'll have you know, i told her my circus idea and she did not object!!!

but enough of that..

tomorrow will mark 6 months of dating Israel. ( a.k.a jeremiah, jerusalem, moses...)
i'm honest to goodness happy about this. yes, of course he makes me jump for joy and goo goo eyed, but over all he makes me content, which makes me happy. i feel like this is one of the most stable things in my life right now. most people don't get that, and people probably think we're crazy, which we probably are, but that works for us.

on an ending note, that's a life lesson i've recently learned: different things work for different people. relationships, school, work, dog preference.. and so on. we have no right to judge what others do.. even that's hard a lot of times. "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" 

College+Love=Mind Blown

I have no idea where to start. I have so many thoughts floating around in my head. 

But, as I've mentioned many times before, this IS MY BLOG and I can say whatever I'd like. 

And thank goodness it's not going to be graded! 

My English class is kicking my buttocks. 

My science/weather class has confused me beyond measure. 

My math class is actually going pretty well.. despite how much I hate math. 

My history class is.. well, it's going. 

There are sometimes ( like today when my work in my Eng class was ripped apart and basically scrutinized to poop.) when I feel like dropping out of school. 

But then a little silver lining appears (like when I make B's on my math work) that I feel like I can keep on trucking. 

Today I made a mantra of saying "I hate college." After a little while of that I realized that I don't really hate college, I hate general ed. Classes you have to take because the man says you have to take. When I can take a whole slew of classes I want to take, I think I might be happier.. and then again I could hate those as well. Hopefully we'll find out. You know, if I don't join the circus before then. 

Ok, so that's like 55% of the floating thoughts, the other 45% is my personal, romantic life. 

(which is going pretty good, thanks for asking:) 

Our relationship (me and my boyfriend, that is) is special. And I'm not just saying that because I'm blinded by love. I'm saying that because we have what is classified as a "inter-religious" relationship. 

It's complicated and then again, it's not. 

I'm a christian/Pentecostal and he's a Jehovah's Witness.  

At first it was weird.. and we weren't even sure it was a good idea.. and this is a long and complicated story.. sorta.. anyway, not really the point. 

The point:  Things have gotten really serious in the short amount of time we've know each other/been together. 

We've been playing "the what if and when" game. 

Over the past few days I've also had a lot of those "wow, never thought I'd be here" moments. And with the big, obvious reason it's really been mind blowing. 

Maybe

Maybe I should have stayed..

Maybe I should have gone... 

Maybe I should have ate breakfast.. 

Maybe I should have been more prepared.. 

Maybe these kids in the computer lab should not be on their cell phones...

Maybe I should just drop out of school and run away... 

Maybe I could hitch hike all the way to California, get a waitress job and live from couch to couch until I make it in the big time... 

Or not... 

Maybe I could run away and live off the land, like a pioneer.. 

Or not.. 

Maybe I could run away and meet a genie who would grant me three wishes.. 

That'd be nice... 

I've learned..

I have learned over the past several years ( because I'm so old and wise, I "know things" now) that life is constantly changing. Even if you live in the same dead beat town your whole life, you're always moving to a different stage of life. Sometimes it feels like you've leveled up, and sometimes it feels like you been sent to jail, not passing go, not collecting two hundred dollars. Sometimes you can't even collect two dollars. 

I have also recently learned that you can want something so much you can taste it. And then you get it and it leaves a bitter taste in you mouth. You want to give it back and ask the waitress to bring you tea instead of coke. Well in life, a lot of times there is not waitress to change your order, so you have to sneak back to the kitchen and do it yourself. And then sometimes you get caught by the bus-boy and you have to choke down the coke for the time being. 

Right now I'm at a stage in life where I'm trying to teach myself that sometimes you have to choke down the coke because you might like the taste eventually. Or it could be like beer and no matter how much you try to choke it down your stomach turns and you want to puke. 

If you're wondering where all this is coming from... 

I feel like school is kicking me in the butt right now... more like giving me a swirly in the boys bathroom.

 My first big assignment in my English class was to write a paragraph. Just one paragraph. We worked on them in class, in the lab, and got help from the teacher. I had three drafts of this one stupid paragraph and I got a freaking C. I know it wasn't perfect, but  I felt like my grade could've been a little better. 

Not to mention the first quiz I got a D on. And how bad I'm doing in my math class... 

I hate school. 

I said I wanted to be a English teacher... Umm... Needless to say, I'm rethinking that.     

I feel like giving up on school altogether. 

But I've learned that that just makes it worse.

 I'm choking down bad grades, a rough teacher, this semester, in hope that it will get better.                                                                                                                                                                                                  

V-CARD

"Dont have sex, you will get pregnant, and DIE!" -coach from Mean Girls 

If you know me outside of this blog, or even inside this blog, you are well aware that I am not to found of babies, nor do I have a desire to have one of my own. Having said that, it should be no big surprise when I say the very thought of getting pregnant scares the hell out of me.  

Now let's jump back to sixth grade health class. Those horrible images of pubic hair morphing in still haunt me to this day. But in that class I learned a very valuable lesson. 

IF YOU HAVE SEX YOU WILL GET PREGNANT AND DIE! 

translation: if you have sex you can get pregnant!! 

This very reason, along with the sheer fact that I'm just not ready to "give it up" is why I have not yet had sex. I, Emily Michelle Greene, am still a virgin. 

Your probably wondering "where the heck is all this coming from?"

Ever since I starting dating my wonderful boyfriend I have been bombarded with "concerns" from people who just want me to "do the right thing". 

I'm sorry, the last time I checked, I could cloth myself, dress myself, drive a car, pay taxes, and wipe my own butt. I think I'm perfectly capable of make other PERSONAL big girl decisions on my own. 

If and When I decide upon those things, it should be nobody else's business, except my partner. Not your bothers sisters cousins friend who knows a guy who knows another guy who has this friend who knows this guys cousins sisters boyfriends baby daddy's. 

For all you "concerned" citizens of my sex life (in this case, my non-exsistent sex life), please back off. 

it could be worse

"rain rain go away, come again another, all the world is waiting for the sun" -B.B 


Do you ever wake up and not want to wake up? 
Your brain resurfaces to the world and you fight with every fiber of your being not to wake up, but you do. 
I don't mean the kinda of pity fight you have when its cold and you don't wanna go to work. I mean the kinda fight where you force yourself to get up and act human because if you lay in that bed, it will only get worse. Facing the day seems like its getting harder and harder to do. 
I've been feeling that way a lot lately (obviously). 
Sometime I wish life had a pause button. If I could just stop it for a little while, I could rest and get my mind settled, I could come back and press play and resume. 
BUT (always a butt!) life doesn't have a pause button. No stop, rewind, or fast forward either. It would be nice though.. 


Since life doesn't have a pause button we are stuck in the undercurrent and we have two choices: 
we can give up and drown.
or
we can fight and try to reach the surface. 


I'm desperately trying to reach the surface. And I have faith in myself that I can do it. 
As my friend told me earlier "it could be worse". I usually don't like this phrase, but it's bleeds the truth:
I could have a dead beat boyfriend who treats me like crap, two kids, no job, a pedophile step dad. 
It could be worse.... 

shot to hell

let's just lay everything out on the table...

the past few days, weeks, months? i haven't been able to properly function. 

i have no clue what is going on. it's like i've done a 180. 

i'm standing on the edge of the cliff again. don't worry, i don't plan to jump. 

i just don't know how to get myself out of the slump.

maybe it's the change of the seasons.. this seems to happen to me a lot when the seasons change. 

my internal axis gets flipped upside down and my mentality is shot to hell. 

yesterday, i went to the graveyard and walked around and listened to the dead.(a little too poetic?) all the while unloading my shot to hell mentality onto my best friend. (that's what a best friend is, somebody who walks around the graveyard with you because your depressed. that's love my dear readers.) 

"all i need is a little of the good life" 

what is the good life?! 

is it:

• Religion
• Family
• Friends
• Money
• Career 
• Knowledge 
• Contentment 

this is a quick list i made of things i think i want in life(not specifically in that order).. but how can you have ALL of them in the right balance? that's my thought provoking question. 

on a side note, with the thought of having balance in my life i've been thinking about taking up yoga. yea, wii fit yoga, back off! anywho.. maybe some mediation would be good. just a thought. 

confessions (what's inside my head)

(for those of you who don't get the reference of the title, its a RED song. go listen to them. they are awesome! ) 


lately i have felt just .. blah. what else is knew? well i take that back, not really blah, more like.. frustrated. 
frustrated with me and my life. i have expressed this before and i will express it again. it seems like my life is stuck in slow motion while everybody else is going at the speed of light. 
you the saying "live everyday like its your last". yea, i'm def not doing that. i procrastinate to much, first off. 
i have no idea what i want to do with my life.. i know what i DON'T want to do. but that doesn't really help me pick a college major. 
also on the subject of my feelings.  i realized that i have this bad habit of being a liar. or something close to it. i often feel hypocritical. what do you mean? 
as you know, i'm a christian. i stand by my beliefs but, i feel like i make choices and do things sometimes that would make people think less of me. and thats where the lying comes in. i lie about the bad decisions and choices because i don't want people to think less of me. 
like.. when i cuss. most of the time it just slips out.. way to easily i might add. the other day i dropped the F bomb in front of my mom and i thought she was going to choke. 
and smoking is something else i've been dealing with lately. 
the first time i tried smoking i was sure i would never do it again. wrong. not saying that i'm addicted to cigarettes. but i kinda enjoy them every once in a while. (i probably shouldn't be confessing this, but i'm tired of feeling like i'm living two different lives) i enjoy mint. and cigarettes come in mint flavored. i kinda feel like Audrey Hepburn at times when the smoke lingers out of my mouth. i know its frowned upon, esp in my situation, but i have to say, honestly, i'm the kinda person who can take them or leave them. i've only bought on pack in my entire life. i usually bum them off people :) 
i think there comes a time in life when you have to establish who you are. i've been trying to do that for 18 years now and lately i feel like i'm failing. 
i enjoy some country music. there i said it. 
sometimes babies are cute.. i still don't want to squeeze one out of my secret place though. 
i like Starbucks. 
i like stretching my ears. 
and i like the blonde streak in my hair. 
i have been getting ragged about it lately and its pissing me off! its my freaking hair. and they are my ears. leave me alone. and i will more than likely get a tattoo in this lifetime, so go ahead and grab a barf bag. i try not to be an uptight person.. but being around stiffs all the time makes me anxious. i don't like being anxious. i like smiling and acting crazy. i can't do that when i don't feel like Emily. 


ever feel like that? 

Confession #1

i try not to confess things.. it makes me feel to vulnerable. however, i will confess this:

 i want to be interesting.

does that seem vague, or just stupid to you? if it seems stupid, go stick it where the sun don't shine. if its vague, what i mean is i want creativity and passion to run my life. i don't wanna be in the same place my whole life. i want  to do all kinds of things ( job wise and recreational), taste things, see things, travel, write, read, swim, fly.. everything. except roller coasters! and maybe snakes. i wanna drink wine on my patio overlooking the city while i read a great book. travel around the world, hell i love traveling across the USA. that is one thing that excites me about going to Missouri.

this little job i have snagged ( see previous post) i believe will give me a few inches of freedom and responsibility. all of which i am excited for.

and if you are wondering "where the heck did this come from?"

good question!

i am reading this book " The Disorder of Longing" and so far its pretty good. the main character, Ada, has qualities that i totally can connect with. however, it takes place in the late 1800's and her spirit is being imprisoned by society and her husband. there are some things that really ruffle my feathers but, i have a feeling in the end it will all work out to her advantage.( hopefully along the lines similar to A Doll's House, where at the end she just leaves and shuts the door behind her! go Nora :) in the first chapter of the book Ada wakes up and goes for a stroll all by her self, which is what she wanted, and she got in trouble by the staff in her own home and her husband. yes i know that's how things were back then, but its no excuse. i have this quote on my wall that i love:

"your left hand loves candlelight. your right hand loves the spotlight. your left hand declares commitment. your right hand declares independence. women of the world raise your right hand"

where am i going with all this? 

quite frankly, i have no idea. i just woke from a nap and wanted to finish this ( i started yesterday) and now i'm at a loss. 

i think my whole point is i just want my life to have substance. not just a run of the mill life. if i want to take a stroll all by my loan-some i shall walk. God made this world too big and beautiful for us to not enjoy it and take advantage of it.