Life Goes On

I have become so obsessed with youtube, facebook, and instagram.. oh and pinterest, that i have totally forgotten to write about my life. Which, in your case my be a good thing. 


October is nipping at my heels and there is still so much to do for the marriage celebration! Decorations, flowers, hair, finding the right bra, shoes! In the mix of planning, praying, and trying to force myself to not drink another glass of coke, I am going through the growing pains of becoming the person I never expected to be at this point. 
I am 20 years old, getting married, and I have a cat!! Yes, a cat, named Oliver. (He's a rescue and he is a nice cat, who recently got a bow tie and looks adorable!) 
Panning out my own life is a struggle sometimes, trying to pan it out, plan, look into the future with somebody else requires more than writing out your feelings on the internet.  On one hand it's not so bad because my best friend will always be there with me, but on the other hand, it's dooming because you feel like if you go down, you are taking that other person with you. 
I never thought I'd be here. Of course, we all can say that about some point in our lives. I feel like the decisions that I have made lately will take me on a course that I never dreamed of. Which is not bad. It seems scary and I'm scared of crashing to my death, but just before I hit the rocks, God picks me up again. I am trusting in him to make my life something beautiful. 
To be honest, I have a fear of my life, my story being boring, pointless, but I pray everyday that that doesn't happen. Getting married is a huge milestone for anybody; but for me I had, at one time, a notion that it would hold me back, that my life would just stop and everything I wanted for me would never happen. But I have spent time and time again with God pouring my heart out, telling him my fears, asking for help, and I am ready to spend my life with Israel. We aren't perfect, but we aren't alone. All of the things I wanted for me I can have with him and together, we can experience so much more. 

*hands out tissues* *steps off of pulpit* 

Keep On Keeping On

Last night I had the worst sleep I've had in a long time. 

I tossed and turned and had all sorts of weird dreams. 

Before I went to sleep me and my boyfriend got to talking about "end of the world" religious things. 

Talk about a HEAVY conversation topic.  

As the conversation went on, I just kept getting more and more overwhelmed. 

I think about it and try to find a solution or just something that makes since, and it seems like here lately, nothing makes since. 

The more overwhelmed I got the more on edge I became. 

When I went to sleep I felt scared to move, like I was sleeping on the edge of a cliff. 

Today I woke up, everything still fresh on my mind.

I'm not scared, I'm nervous. 

Is that OK? I have no idea. 

Last night I told him that I feel as like I've been set up to live this life. Your born, you grow up, go to school, get married,.. etc, live a life, get old and then die. That's what supposed to happen! 

Knowing.. or believing that at any moment that will be taken away is a little unnerving. 

For me, the most unnerving thing is not knowing what's "on the other side", if you will. 

We think we have some sort of idea, but nobody knows for certain. 

Thinking Over thinking it this morning, I know there's nothing I can do but keep on keeping on. 

i hate growing up

"I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare. I'm just a kid, I know that it's not fair." - Simple Plan 

When exactly do you stop being considered a kid? 
12, when you're not supposed to order off the kids menu anymore? 
16, when you start driving?
18, when you are "legal"?
21, when you can buy booze?
When you stop sitting at the kids table at family dinners? 
When you have kids yourself? 


I've knocked the first three off my list ( even though I still eat off the kids menu sometimes), but sometimes I still feel like a little kid. When kids are little all they..err.. we... dream of is growing up.
Driving, making money, not having so much authority to answer to. Only once we get "grown up" ourselves we realize that all the money we make on our own goes into the car so that we can drive. And the authority we answer to are fat white people on capitol hill, who take the rest of the money we make, that's not in the gas tank.
Can I get an AMEN?! 
I'm not even at full "grown up" status and I'm ready to book it back to the kids table.
Mostly because all my money is in the gas tank, I've realized that I hate making my own decisions, I still can't have booze, and I'm terrified to have my own children. 


Let me back track... Sometimes I like making my own decisions. But when it comes to the big stuff like college or a job or life choices, I secretly think it would be easier if I had somebody to tell me what to do.


All this was inspired from listening to Simple Plan's "Grow up". Thanks, Simple Plan for depressing me on growing up. I got to thinking about how much things really suck now that I'm more aware of the world I live in. And yesterday I had the quick thought that I was going to run out of time. Like now that I am growing up and I've realized there are so many things I'd like to do and accomplished, I may not get the chance to do everything. 
I quickly put that thought away... 

he's gone

i dreamed about you again last night.
i thought i was over with that. you're the it in every song that is my haunting, taunting heartbreak.
i was walking down the beach, thinking about you, about how i missed you and how perfect it would be if you were here with me. i was passing a hotel i had never seen before, and when i looked at it, i just knew you were there. my first thought was that you were up, sitting outside on the balcony. as i was walking through the pool area, on my way inside, there you were. you were sitting in a white lounge chair, dripping wet, and drinking a beer. typical you, i thought. something rushed through me that filled me with every emotion known to man. i was overjoyed that you were right in front of me, yet angry because you stayed away so long. we looked at each other for what seemed liked forever. all i said was hello.  you nodded and smiled at me. i knew it was ok. you were waiting for me too. i remember your hair was longer. i said something to you, but i couldn't make out what i said. it was fuzzy and inaudible. i ran my fingers through your hair and walked inside. my plan was to just wait for you in there. i was waiting for you to follow me this time.
i waited and waited and finally decided to go upstairs. the first few flights were crowed with people and it was hard for me to get past them at a fast pace. i was really excited now. i ran and ran up tens of flights. (it was a big effing hotel, with no elevator!) eventually nobody was around and i realized i didn't know what room was yours. i kept running, thinking i would just know, kinda like i did when i saw you. after more running, i stopped and realized i was alone, nobody was around, and you weren't coming after me. not last time, and not this time. i couldn't cry in the dream. i felt to heavy to let even tears escape. the dream ended and when i woke up i was long winded.
how many times will i have dreams about being left? why is suddenly the thought of being left alone scaring the hell out of me?
what is it about me that makes you, or anybody, not want me?
i don't understand most of it. the reality, i mean. the dream i can interpret just fine.
i shouldn't have tested you. i should've just stayed there with you, when i had to chance.
shoulda, coulda, woulda

*p.s dear reader, i know by now you're thinking who is she talking about??
i promise you, you don't know him. he's gone. thats all that really matters. if you ask me about it, that's what i'll tell you, he's gone. 


*what or who is  haunts and taunts you in dreams/nightmares? 

woke up smiling... cheesy to tha max!

i slept like a baby rock last night :) 
i love those nights when i sleep good, doesn't everybody? 
but i also enjoy having a super duper great dream and remembering it! so when you wake up you don't think "ugh, i have to go to work today" you smile and think "man i wish that would really happen outside my head"
hopefully thats foreshadowing a good day. this whole week has been sucky, for lack of better word. 
a few good things happened:
got my car back... still needs work done, but at least its back to me. 
i am maintaining an A in my communications class. 
pop quiz on monday.. A 
i'm sure some other stuff happened as well, but i can't call them to memory right now. 
oh yea one more thing. 
you know how somehow i put videos on here.. well they are on my youtube channel.. one of them has over 200 views :) i was encouraged by that. 


quick update on my life:check
i'm gonna attempt to make some kind of video with this web cam.. wish me luck! 

in the real world people get naked and drink juice..

i'm missing out on the annual lake trip because i have a job now and in the real world people don't get to do fun stuff like go to the lake.

so i dropped my sister off to go and i went and got gas and naked juice!! if you haven't ever drank it.. you're missing out. its delicious!

i came back to the home front and made myself a breakfast sandwich ( which is exactly what i had last night for dinner.. leftovers.. you know)

and now i'm here with you...

well you aren't reading this yet..

updating the blog because its been a few days and sadly not that much has changed. i went to work.. oh i went to church last night. that was fun. as always. i helped pikc out costumes to take on the mission trip for bible dramas. always a joy to play in the prop room :)

have you ever woken up in the middle of the night thirsty??

that happened to me last night... i woke up feeling like i had been wondering the dessert for a thousand years with out an liquids in my system. i started to get up and get some ice water but i wasn't that motivated and i fell back asleep. but this morning i woke up and chugged water. strangest thing. i don't think that's ever happened to me.

also, another thing that happened to me.. one of my crazy dreams. me and a person.. were walking and all of a sudden he ( yes it was a he.) grabs my arm right above my elbow.. kinda like how you would hold somebody's hand.. but he was holding my arm. weird.. like why wouldn't he just grab my hand.. why my arm. it was awkward to say the least.

on the left side of my mouth i have wisdom teeth coming in.. oww.

cheesy tease

i want to tell you a story.  a seriously sweet story that has had me grinning all night.. but i can't tell you.. (i know, i'm such a tease) because names will get dropped ( even if i use secert code names you'd still figure it out) and it will open a can of worms that is basically already opened i just don't want to feed the flame..

plus i refuse to bring cheesyness to my blog.. 

well boy cheesyness. unless it deals with John Cooper or any other hot rock star i choose to drool over.

but just know that i have been in a great mood the past few days.. cheeseyness and all :) 

the other night i had a dream that my hair was cut in a bob. omg. it was a nightmare. my hair was at my ears! ohh the horror. 

last night i had another dream that my friends called me fat and laughed me out of my house. in the dream we were at my house and they called me fat and stated laughing at me.. i got upset and ran outside and started running. (i have dreams where i run. a lot) it was weird. but then i had another dream.. that was weird. but fed to my cheeseyness. :) aye! 

oh the update on Tim and internet.. no.. the ethernet thing didn't work out too hot.   

my church mission trip is in a few weeks.. i am stoked! its going to be amazing. we are going to Wilmington to do a vbs at the first assembly church.. where they have no kids! so we are going to draw them and there families to the church. pray with me and plant a seed :) 

i'm all about planting seeds with prayer lately.. its struck a chord with me.

"i am a deranged bird" -S.C

uuugghgghghghghghghmdsdkfljkjkffnmsdmkl!!! 

i hate those moments. my night was great! 

i got off work, went to youth praise practice, went to church, and went out to eat with friends afterward. it was awesome. 

i come home to not awesomeness. 

ugh. blasphemy!

bloody hell! 

i cut my finger at work.. i seriously need to stop cutting myself. its starting to look suspicious. and we are so not going there again! 

.. speaking of.. well sorta not really on the same track,

i've been thinking about the tattoo i want. 

i want a quote on my wrist from a flyleaf song " arise and be all that you dream"

in the song they say dreamed but i want to use present tense because i feel like i haven't stopped dreaming.

i want this quote because it relates back to the whole " i wanted to be dead and didn't feel like dreams for the future were necessary or even achievable" era of my life. 

that time has come and gone but there are things from that that i have to live with everyday. i rejoice the fact that i am here and have big plans for my future! but looking at the physical scars i have sometimes makes me queasy. i want something more positive to look at. and plus tattoos are kinda awesome :)

i'm sleepy.. are you sleepy? 

no thats not rhetorical.. answer me women! .. err man.. whichever you are. 

* this post has nothing to do with deranged birds.