me, taylor swift, and israel

SORRY FOR THE ABSENCE!

to be brief and blunt.. i feel like i have fallen off my rocker.
i have come to the conclusion that i don't like school. i i tell you otherwise i'm probably lying. i'm pretty good at that.. or am i? *strokes mustache*

today i have managed to make about 3% progress... as opposed to the 15% i usually try to make.

also today i gave myself a homemade hair cut because i have no money and had absolutely disgusting split ends. however, i have my own scissors, so i just took matters into my own hands. muahahaha.

currently i am listening to Taylor Swift, trying not to fall into the depths of dispair. i've been there a lot lately(hence fallen off rocker)
i am having a hard time adjusting and demons from my past.. that never really stayed in my past have caught up with me. before i reach suicidal breakdown mode again, i contacted my schools counseling service and i'm seeing someone. i just started and so i've really only complained about my english teacher (who is the devil's spawn, btw) apparently i have to figure out what "emily wants". what's going to make her happy? and i'll have you know, i told her my circus idea and she did not object!!!

but enough of that..

tomorrow will mark 6 months of dating Israel. ( a.k.a jeremiah, jerusalem, moses...)
i'm honest to goodness happy about this. yes, of course he makes me jump for joy and goo goo eyed, but over all he makes me content, which makes me happy. i feel like this is one of the most stable things in my life right now. most people don't get that, and people probably think we're crazy, which we probably are, but that works for us.

on an ending note, that's a life lesson i've recently learned: different things work for different people. relationships, school, work, dog preference.. and so on. we have no right to judge what others do.. even that's hard a lot of times. "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" 

Maybe

Maybe I should have stayed..

Maybe I should have gone... 

Maybe I should have ate breakfast.. 

Maybe I should have been more prepared.. 

Maybe these kids in the computer lab should not be on their cell phones...

Maybe I should just drop out of school and run away... 

Maybe I could hitch hike all the way to California, get a waitress job and live from couch to couch until I make it in the big time... 

Or not... 

Maybe I could run away and live off the land, like a pioneer.. 

Or not.. 

Maybe I could run away and meet a genie who would grant me three wishes.. 

That'd be nice... 

mean reds- mermaid style

i got a case of the mean reds. 
and if you don't know what that means, get off this blog right now! i'm ashamed of you. 
the mean reds isn't like the blues, that when your just sad, the mean reds is when your suddenly afraid and you don't know what your afraid of. 


(go watch Breakfast at Tiffany's)


i find that i end up like this a lot. the worst part is the sudden part. 


i can't sleep and i feel like poop. probably because i'm on my stupid period because i was born as a stupid girl. i hate being a girl.. not that i have a wish to be a boy either...maybe a fish, a bird, or maybe a mermaid. 


i could be a mermaid. swim around in the ocean with my fishy friends in my seashell bra and always gorgeous hair flowing behind me. and unlike ariel i have no desire to walk up where they run, up where they stay all day in the sun, wondering free, i don't wish i could be part of this world. 


when i grow up i want to be a mermaid. case closed. 

Wish Me Luck

According to Webster's Dictionary, Depression means:b (1) : a state of feeling sad : dejection (2) : a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies.
Well that sounds like fun, doesn't it?
Let me answer for you. 
No. Not it does not sound like fun. 
When I was in the ninth grade I went to therapy for a while. I was depressed. I assumed that after getting over suicidal tendencies, I wouldn't be depressed anymore. Well you know what they say about people who assume things.. 
Any who, before you go assuming that I'm fixing to go off myself, I started out with that because I have been feeling depressed lately. However, the skies are clearing up and I'm starting to feel better. But it's had some really bad sad effects. I'm behind in school, like really behind in school. The only class that I've given any real attention to is acting. 
Also, being depressed causes my brain to think, and overthink. Opening the door to doubt every decision I've made thus far. Esp, in regards to Missouri. 
SAY WHAT?!  
Sadly, the thoughts have been there. 
Is this where I really wanna go? 
Am I ready for this?
Do I really want to be that far away? 
The list goes on and on and on and on. Long list. 
For right now, I'm still going. I need to, I think. If I don't all my nightmares could come true. 
In fact they have this college weekend of sorts, EU24. I'm attempting to register now, but the website won't load properly. So in April I will get a taste of what I'm in for. 


Wish me luck!