feelings: look what they are doing to me

ever feel like you've ran out of things to say? or you have stuff you want to express to the world and get off your chest but you can't because now that you are actually averaging at least 2 views a day on your blog there is a chance somebody will read what you say and it could start a bunch of mess that you don't want started? ever feel that way?

of course i feel that way. i feel everything! for somebody who is "emotionless", as i've been called, i sure do feel an effing lot! 

but than again if you think about it you don't want to bring "drama" to your blog..well didn't i say that people thrive on drama? yes i did, or something close to it, but sometimes its best to push stuff under the rug right?

right?

no? 

i didn't think so. 

you know i never was one for cleaning.just not my thing. 

i woke up early again.. the past couple of nights i have not been sleeping well. i toss and turn, have retarded dreams ( not unusual), and wake up feeling groggy. i hate waking up feeling groggy. makes me feel unaccomplished.  i keep dreaming about the beach. which makes since. i want to go back. i could see myself living at the beach. and i have to say i am considering looking at Wilmington again. i was applying there but then i decided not too because i was all fired up about Evangel.. and i still am ( i think). i honestly don't know anymore. Its so cold and its far away. there is NO beach. not anywhere close by. but then again it has all the other stuff i'm looking for. and yes i know if i go to Wilmington you won't be chilling on the beach everyday. i know that. but it would be closer to home, warmer, i have two of my best friends there, and they do offer programs for all the stuff i am looking at studying. and i still have no idea what i want to do. i want to do theater/ drama ( i think) but i still feel hesitant. but i can't think of anything else i'd rather do. other than creative writing or something with English or literature.

but first i need a job! 

and i will find one!

that is my current mission. i need a job for the obvious reason of money! and i have to get off my butt and out of my house! plus i'm ready to start doing something with my life. i feel like i'm sitting here wasting away..

"you won't believe what i heard.."

Graduation is officially my favorite holiday season. not only are people very generous to you, but its a whole celebration of the end of high school hell! the open is road is right here at my feet. yes, its a bit scary but, overall its what i've wanted for as long as i can remember.  this whole week i've been so happy (its kinda scary) being with my friends and celebrating the end and beginning of things has been great.

not to mention all this free time i've had not having to go to school. i got a few major things accomplished : 

deep cleaned my room! 

deep deep clean my car!!

and cleaned the bathroom up! 

and spent a lot of time with my friends. i went swimming a few times, so i have a pretty good tan started. 

plus today i got a hair trim and my layers shaped up. thank God she did exactly what i asked her. she didn't take any length off and didn't jack the front of my head up. its beautiful. now i just have to go wash it and re straighten it. 

the big day is tomorrow.. i'm so excited! i keep saying i won't cry but i almost cried at my cousin graduation in 10th grade.. no chance i will escape tearless. oh well. i can say they will be tears of pride. i feel accomplished and proud to have made it.. because honestly there were times when i thought i wouldn't. ( math exam anybody?)

on top of all that.. there has been this underlying drama volcano brewing up in the mix of my friends.. none of it is directly related to me but, i have a gut feeling that shit is going to hit the fan. of course its all boy girl drama.. well girl drama too, but when is that never there? 

and can i just say this.. you know how when myspace was really popular or something like that and you had the info box.. in your info box you put all kinda B S in there to make yourself look awesome and almost everybody had "i hate drama" or something of that nature? remember that? figured you would. 

well thats a lie. we both know it. 

somebody comes to you and says " you won't believe what i heard.. " that's the opening line for a drama fest and you know! you will want to hear what that person is going to say. not saying i'm blameless.. i might as well fess up..there are plenty of times that i just feed on other people's drama. or my own for that matter. esp girls. we lie cause we don't wanna seem like petty bitches, but we all do. every last one.