it could be worse

"rain rain go away, come again another, all the world is waiting for the sun" -B.B 


Do you ever wake up and not want to wake up? 
Your brain resurfaces to the world and you fight with every fiber of your being not to wake up, but you do. 
I don't mean the kinda of pity fight you have when its cold and you don't wanna go to work. I mean the kinda fight where you force yourself to get up and act human because if you lay in that bed, it will only get worse. Facing the day seems like its getting harder and harder to do. 
I've been feeling that way a lot lately (obviously). 
Sometime I wish life had a pause button. If I could just stop it for a little while, I could rest and get my mind settled, I could come back and press play and resume. 
BUT (always a butt!) life doesn't have a pause button. No stop, rewind, or fast forward either. It would be nice though.. 


Since life doesn't have a pause button we are stuck in the undercurrent and we have two choices: 
we can give up and drown.
or
we can fight and try to reach the surface. 


I'm desperately trying to reach the surface. And I have faith in myself that I can do it. 
As my friend told me earlier "it could be worse". I usually don't like this phrase, but it's bleeds the truth:
I could have a dead beat boyfriend who treats me like crap, two kids, no job, a pedophile step dad. 
It could be worse.... 

today

"its just one of though days when you don't wanna wake up, everything is fucked, everybody sucks!"

words i live by the past few days. i think am going to take a trip back to my hole. i ventured out and the sun is starting to burn.

my stomach hurts, my chest is in a knot my hands are sweaty, my feet are ready to run far away! i cant run though. i have duties to attend to. my worldly reliance's are gone. in the trash, far away... however there is one thing i have saved for very desperate times, and i tell you my friends i am feeling very very desperate. weather i will engage is undecided.

a kiss on the cheek, a stab in the back, a blow to the face, these are the things that make the world go round. i wake up to a tear stained pillow. when i cry in my sleep it hurts to wake up in the mornings. to know that i have to face the world again seems like the biggest challenge of all.

fight fight fight!

i will destroy the enemy. or destroy myself in the process. the fight is long and hard but i will strive.

the enemy is beautiful, ugly, skinny, fat, little manhood, big girlhood, brown hair, blue eyes, smart, dumb, funny, not so much, it inhabits this world everyday shaking up my life!

today i cried. i laughed, i got aggravated, i calmed down.

i am yearning for escape... but to where?