Maybe

Maybe I should have stayed..

Maybe I should have gone... 

Maybe I should have ate breakfast.. 

Maybe I should have been more prepared.. 

Maybe these kids in the computer lab should not be on their cell phones...

Maybe I should just drop out of school and run away... 

Maybe I could hitch hike all the way to California, get a waitress job and live from couch to couch until I make it in the big time... 

Or not... 

Maybe I could run away and live off the land, like a pioneer.. 

Or not.. 

Maybe I could run away and meet a genie who would grant me three wishes.. 

That'd be nice... 

I've learned..

I have learned over the past several years ( because I'm so old and wise, I "know things" now) that life is constantly changing. Even if you live in the same dead beat town your whole life, you're always moving to a different stage of life. Sometimes it feels like you've leveled up, and sometimes it feels like you been sent to jail, not passing go, not collecting two hundred dollars. Sometimes you can't even collect two dollars. 

I have also recently learned that you can want something so much you can taste it. And then you get it and it leaves a bitter taste in you mouth. You want to give it back and ask the waitress to bring you tea instead of coke. Well in life, a lot of times there is not waitress to change your order, so you have to sneak back to the kitchen and do it yourself. And then sometimes you get caught by the bus-boy and you have to choke down the coke for the time being. 

Right now I'm at a stage in life where I'm trying to teach myself that sometimes you have to choke down the coke because you might like the taste eventually. Or it could be like beer and no matter how much you try to choke it down your stomach turns and you want to puke. 

If you're wondering where all this is coming from... 

I feel like school is kicking me in the butt right now... more like giving me a swirly in the boys bathroom.

 My first big assignment in my English class was to write a paragraph. Just one paragraph. We worked on them in class, in the lab, and got help from the teacher. I had three drafts of this one stupid paragraph and I got a freaking C. I know it wasn't perfect, but  I felt like my grade could've been a little better. 

Not to mention the first quiz I got a D on. And how bad I'm doing in my math class... 

I hate school. 

I said I wanted to be a English teacher... Umm... Needless to say, I'm rethinking that.     

I feel like giving up on school altogether. 

But I've learned that that just makes it worse.

 I'm choking down bad grades, a rough teacher, this semester, in hope that it will get better.                                                                                                                                                                                                  

Sylvia Plath is in my book club

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.  From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked.  One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.  I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose.  I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.  ~Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar, Chapter 7




What can you say to begin digesting this? I find its hopeless ambition bittersweet. 
Have you ever reached a point in your life where there are so many things, ideally, that you would like to achieve? But you can't pick one and motivate yourself to reach the chosen goal. And then that poses the question, how do you pick just one? I think in today's society we don't have to. Everybody can be a triple threat. It just takes the will and drive ( *and daddy's money, and spreading your legs)to get it. 
We have wants and needs, yet lack motivation. 
And the really kicker is, some people don't have a lack of motivation. Some people see what they want and take it. Fear of failure is not on the list of conquering the world. 
I watched the movie about Sylvia Plath and now I feel a little obsessed with her. She was  a great and tortured mind.  I want to be a great mind! ( but i can't even write English papers... I dream big!) I also want to read The Bell Jar now. and and.. I want to start a book club. 


*strictly for sarcastic purposes only. i do not suggest you do these things to conquer the world.