Keep On Keeping On

Last night I had the worst sleep I've had in a long time. 

I tossed and turned and had all sorts of weird dreams. 

Before I went to sleep me and my boyfriend got to talking about "end of the world" religious things. 

Talk about a HEAVY conversation topic.  

As the conversation went on, I just kept getting more and more overwhelmed. 

I think about it and try to find a solution or just something that makes since, and it seems like here lately, nothing makes since. 

The more overwhelmed I got the more on edge I became. 

When I went to sleep I felt scared to move, like I was sleeping on the edge of a cliff. 

Today I woke up, everything still fresh on my mind.

I'm not scared, I'm nervous. 

Is that OK? I have no idea. 

Last night I told him that I feel as like I've been set up to live this life. Your born, you grow up, go to school, get married,.. etc, live a life, get old and then die. That's what supposed to happen! 

Knowing.. or believing that at any moment that will be taken away is a little unnerving. 

For me, the most unnerving thing is not knowing what's "on the other side", if you will. 

We think we have some sort of idea, but nobody knows for certain. 

Thinking Over thinking it this morning, I know there's nothing I can do but keep on keeping on. 

Wish Me Luck

According to Webster's Dictionary, Depression means:b (1) : a state of feeling sad : dejection (2) : a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies.
Well that sounds like fun, doesn't it?
Let me answer for you. 
No. Not it does not sound like fun. 
When I was in the ninth grade I went to therapy for a while. I was depressed. I assumed that after getting over suicidal tendencies, I wouldn't be depressed anymore. Well you know what they say about people who assume things.. 
Any who, before you go assuming that I'm fixing to go off myself, I started out with that because I have been feeling depressed lately. However, the skies are clearing up and I'm starting to feel better. But it's had some really bad sad effects. I'm behind in school, like really behind in school. The only class that I've given any real attention to is acting. 
Also, being depressed causes my brain to think, and overthink. Opening the door to doubt every decision I've made thus far. Esp, in regards to Missouri. 
SAY WHAT?!  
Sadly, the thoughts have been there. 
Is this where I really wanna go? 
Am I ready for this?
Do I really want to be that far away? 
The list goes on and on and on and on. Long list. 
For right now, I'm still going. I need to, I think. If I don't all my nightmares could come true. 
In fact they have this college weekend of sorts, EU24. I'm attempting to register now, but the website won't load properly. So in April I will get a taste of what I'm in for. 


Wish me luck! 

Happy Ending

Ever think to yourself, "I watch too much tv"? 

Me too! 

However, the thing that sets me apart from you is that I'm always thinking to myself "I read to much" (which we all know is crazy talk! that can never be done!)  

Every time I get around somebody that I "like", my inner 8th graders takes over and I turn into this daydreaming dope. I start playing silly love songs and pretending my life is going to "take off."

FYI- the "taking off" part has yet to happen. 

Along with the silly songs, I also have this thing where I wish on every star that my life will turn out like a Sara Dessen book. ( great YA books!) 

There is always a girl (me) with some sort of issue (also me) and a boy (not to be named). They bond and form this awesome relationship ( yay for friendship!) and you start to think towards the middle of the book, finally they are going to be together. But no! There is always some falling out (with me that is bound to happen), however the book gods shine on them and they end up happily ever after ( at least that's what you are left with. you never really know because she hardly ever writes sequels.) 

I'm at the stage of the bonding and forming of said relationship. And unlike the lucky ladies in the books, I know early on that I like the said unnamed boy. I know it, and I think about it waaayyy too much. 

I've gone through this process countless times and have yet to have a happy ending. (Of course with the divorce rate skyrocketing, not a lot of people are experiencing that lately. which is kinda irrelevant right now..) 

I'm waiting, and getting impatient, for my happy ending! I want a truly novel romance. And not some hot and heavy sex story. I want depth, connection. A traveler, (a tall traveler!) with mysterious eyes. 

The song "All I Ask of You" from The Phantom of the Opera pretty much sums it up. 

man-candy

generally i panic and look down when i see boys that i like. i'm almost certain that it's a mental condition. 
however, as of late, i have been slowly cracking the shell open and making contact. 
this particular piece of man candy is in one of my classes at school. and for a while i've tried to make small flirty chit chat.. ( Lord help me!) at first, the only thing i did was stick my foot in my mouth, so i backed off. i have a tragic fear of rejection.. btw. 
after giving up, said man candy still noticed that i was on the planet, so often i give myself pep talks... and now that i have a plan of action the semester is over! i have really bad timing as well apparently. 
any who.. the other day i made great progress! i got out of my first class early and went i went to wait for my next one, guess who was sitting, ALONE i might add, man candy!
 i strolled right over to the couch and sat beside him. i grabbed his text book from his hand and threw it on the floor. before he could protest i grabbed his face in my hands and said in a very sensuous voice "i know you've been waiting for me" and i kissed him, in front of God and the computer geeks! 


..ok so we both know that really didn't happen. but wouldn't that have been amazing?!!! (yes, it would have) but i did go over there and sat across from him. i said "hey" i pulled out my book to read because i didn't want to look desperate. and to my surprise HE initiated conversation. we talked for like 30 mins before class. it was awesome :) 
baby steps. 
i have never admitted anything like this to anyone before(err.. at least publicly where it could come back to haunt me).. so feel special!! 
i want his number so bad i can taste the text messages. (too much?) 


will you look at this.. i'm losing my mind!! what has happened to Emily???!
*that is the though provoking question. 


ohh p.s! the best freaking part about this is he's tall!!! he has like 4 inches on me!! :) 

mid-term, missouri, and John Cooper

so i think i have found the easy, lazy american way to get out of this midterm.. drop the class! 
drop the class and take it over the summer. i was thinking of taking a class or two over the summer anyways because i have to have like 24 credits to be counted as a transfer student at Evangel. 
then on that same thought, i have been chewing over the idea of maybe trying to go to Evangel this spring semester.. maybe. i don't know. i'm just shooting around the dark here.. 
i'm so lost. 
ughh..
i'm always lost. 
i need a freaking road map for life. 
i said that as a Facebook status on time and one of my (smart aleck) friends replied "its called the bible" 
yes, i know that. but the bible doesn't spell out in black and white what God wants you to do for a college major.. that would be far to easy.
 yes. yes you do detect a bit of bitterness in that last bit. 
before i even graduated i wanted to run away and join the circus and forget college. thats starting to sound like a really good idea again. i could see myself selling popcorn to little brats and posing as the fattest women alive.
(and if you think about leaving a comment saying, emily your not fat! i will say something snide in reply back. nobody likes a suck up.. well.. ok sometimes its ok to be a suck up. but i know i'm not the fattest women alive... its ok for fat ppl to pick on themselves. now skinny ppl.. thats a whole different ball game.. ) 
any who... enough crazy talk. 
wait.. 
who's blog is this?
no crazy talk.. thats crazy talk! 


the skillet concert is, of course, friday!! and me and my friend Lizard made teeshirts today :) the other day John Cooper said something on his twitter about if your sick come to the fall tour because he was a dr. of rock... so our shirts say: 
(on the front) an apple a day keeps the doctor away.. (on the back) forget the apple, i came to see DR. ROCK 
be. jealous. 


so obviously, i'm in (some not creepy form of)  love with John Cooper.. 
who is your celeb crush?