slow poke

... the term slow poke gives me a random thought. have you ever poked anybody slowly? of course you've poked people, but have you ever done it in slo mo?? humm.. intresting. i am going to have to make that a matter of priority: poke somebody slowly.

anyways.. thats not the initial point of this post. the reason i named this post "slow poke" is because i just realized how to use the "stats" tab on my dashboard. i was checking it out and i still may be wrong about this but, i don't think that when you look at your own page it adds to your views. i was really excited to see that i had like over a hundred views last month. that may not seem like a lot but to me thats epicness! now if i can just get some more followers i'll be all set!

Sometimes I think I'm better than you.. even though we both know I'm not.

blahh.

 nothing witty comes to mind. nothing to say that will charm the minds of the poor souls that may read this.

I'm just sitting here swinging my ponytail around my head and texting my sister who is right behind me.

when i am great these blogs will be hashed up and deemed wonderful. the mind of a young writer struggling to survive! ha. dramatic headlines. I hope I live to see them. the most poetic thing that could happen is that i could grow up to write one or two really epic novels, produce a few plays(?) and at the height of my success die in a terrible car crash. ahh.. sweet victory? that's how the world works though, isn't?

however, after said car crash if they build a library and name it after me and fund a scholarship for fat girls i will truly have died happy.

who sits around around and thinks about this stuff?

I do. (hello, personal fable)

so now that i have went out on this pointless rant...

well is it realy pointless, what if its self prophecy?

Oh I could only be so lucky. That would just make my greatness even more... for lack of better word great.



This video has no connection to the rest of this scattered post, BUT its freaking hilarious, so enjoy it! :)

Libraries = Love

I often refer to my thoughts as a CNN news reel. Things just looping aimlessly around my brain and I can't seem to grab one thought and just focus on it. Too much going on I suppose. I've been like that a lot recently. Just sitting around thinking and thinking and not producing anything of value from all the thinking. I have found through all this thinking that I am pretty selfish. Or at least I am labeling myself that way here lately. Because everything I think about is about me. I'm the center of my own universe. True for a lot of other teenagers, its called the teenage fable. Everybody goes through it..err at least most people go through it, some of us however, get stuck there and don't know how to get out!

*Random Nasty Fact: I have super bad dandruff. I try not to pick on people with bad dandruff because I suffer from it. When I say suffer I mean suffer. My poor scalp is always dry and itchy and no matter how much baking soda I use, or head and shoulders I use its always bad. And to top it off my hair is really dark, so it just shows up even better! If I move my head to right way sometimes its like a freaking snowfall. yuck!

anyways, back to me... (see! teenage fable.)
I think I have decided that I want to be a librarian. I love books and I think I'd be good at that job. I still want to write of course, but these days everybody wants to write and I have this fear that I wont be the literary Lady Gaga. So a librarian is a more practical career. My motivation comes from my undying love for books. I get excited about trips to the library and in the book store is where I spend the bulk of my money on shopping trips. Also because at the local library here in town the librarians are evil! They are always sour faced, and when I have late fees they are even worse! Except this one nice black lady, who I've known for forever, she's great. Every time I see her she smiles and makes nice small talk. She was even proud of me for going to the library on my own when I first got my license and car. (toot toot!) When I go into the library I get excited about reading and finding new books, so I expect the librarians to feel the same way. I will always be excited for people who willingly go the library and plus I really want to do story time with young tots!
I can picture running a huge library with two or three floors and a big stair case in the middle. With dark wood and mahogany carpeting and a fireplace in the reading rooms! Yes, by now I know you are saying "this girl is weird" and I know. But I embrace it!

Toot toot!

" if you don't have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all."
Here lately all I have to say is pretty much doom and gloom.. but when have I ever been good at keeping my mouth shut? That's right.. never.
On top of being stressed ( I hate saying that, I feel like I'm 40) I have been so annoyed and edgy. I know its not my period and negative feelings often arise from me when I'm in a state of depression. I could self diagnose myself as being a little depressed these past few weeks.
... well now I don't really feel like wondering down that wretched path. It's too frustrating and dirty.
Some things have been ok.. I just finished a pretty good book. And u have been mulling over the idea of being a librarian. Which would be awesome and quiet frankly excites me! I think I would be an awesome librarian:) not to toot my own horn, but " toot toot!"

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Grinds My Gears

"Know what really grinds my gears?" - Peter Griffith
I'll tell you what grinds my gears.

1. being poor.. well not poor exactly, just not having enough money to live as comfortably as I'd like.
2. making my bed.
  - i think its the dumbest chore ever. I hardly do it, but when i get nagged about it i get irritated. my bed is my personal island. if i want it to be messy, by George it shall be messy!
3. my parents. no explanation needed.
4. trying to get out of high school and into college. this is easily one of the worst three seasons of my life.

there are more things i could add to this list, but i hardly have the energy too rehash them.

Austin: "ah, have you ever cried a river? drowned the whole world, perchance?"
Me: " I have cried a thousand rivers. but i do most of the drowning, instead of the world."
Austin: "that was deep :( and sad.

to say "life sucks" would be a very immature and yet obvious thing for me to say. i have felt myself being pulled closer and closer back to the edge of that dark place i know i should stay out of. i want out so bad i can taste it. but I'm like a bird with clipped wings who can't get off the ground. i know one day i will be able to fly, the waiting is whats killing me. slowly. as I'm closer to an ending and a beginning everyday i feel a little piece of my soul darkening a bit more. my hope for the future is turning into worry that i won't be OK when i get there. i need to spend time with the one who i know will help me. i just have this bad habit of building a wall and shutting Him out when i need him most. i need to make a mental note not to do that.

so many notes.. I'm running out of ink.

I'm a writer?!

"Hey i like that song"
Well i certainly hope i like that song, it is coming from my ipod.

I started writing a story. I started it awhile back and then kinda stopped because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with it. Now I know what I want to do with it and now I'm super excited. The central idea is for me to relay my story from a previous period in my life that holds a heavy and special place in my heart.
 And I know you, dear reader, are wondering what period is she talking about. Could it be when she was a emotional teenager..? and thus brings the question.. aren't there already tons of books like that?
The answer to number one is no! ha. gotcha.
The answer to number two is yes! ha. I hate being a cliche.
The period is when I was a youngster..well about 14.. maybe a little older. I knew this guy who I clicked with and I swear on my grave there was something there. However it was love lost because nothing could ever come of it anyways, plus he kinda fell off the face of the earth. Which is weird, horrible, an endless list of adjectives.
I have several theories for his disappearence.  
Maybe he died. (God forbid)
Maybe he was in a  coma. (As long as he wakes up I'd be OK with that.)
Maybe he found somebody else that he could legally be out in public with ( That is understandable, but highly unlikely)
Anyhow I could go on and on. And believe me I do. I obsess over it all the time. Which makes me feel even more crazier...
Back to my story!
My central idea is to keep him alive in it. That looks weird when you spell it out, but in my head it does makes since.
So now I'm working on fine tuning my character for said guy. I'm having trouble with that, but when I get it worked out I will be ready to roll!

Mondays are my least favorite day and the slowest. I was going to go to the gym, but I have lost the zeal I think. However I have big plans for tonight:
EAT!
WRITE!
WATCH season finale of Pretty Little Liars!
oh and practice that monolouge I've been assigned for a month now..

Bar Fight

There are two sides to every ass whoopin' and both sides include this line:
"girl you tow dat ass up!"
Every ass whoopin', every side. I promise you.
You may be asking yourself " oh crap I wonder who she beat up." Sadly, I didn't beat anybody up this weekend, but my sister did. It was intense, the first bar fight I ever experienced up close and personal. My heart was pounding, I started sweating and I was just watching! Crazy mess.
I guess technically we went bar hopping, which I've never done either. Come to think of it this weekend was a weekend of firsts. ( some things we just wont talk about) We are in Richmond county, so the hot spots were limited. Anyway we started off at one little hole in the wall, Hudson Brothers, and saw this girl with a pudgy face, big boobs, and a cute cardigan. And of course said girl was my sisters boyfriends ex. Oh trust me this gets better.
We leave Hudson Bros. because they are closing and move to another place which was a dud because nobody, and I mean nobody was there. So we move on to a third hole in the wall, Sports something or other.. any who. Guess who's there! Bingo! Pudgy boob girl. Well she kept cutting her eyes at my sister, first mistake. My sister had been drinking, which makes her ever more crazier, plus an obnoxious mouth. We start to leave (headed to waffle house) and the girl plus all her loser friends opened there mouths, mistake number two. Well that was it. My sister and her boyfriend took off back to the bar and everybody was in each others face and then my sister just kinda tackled that girl. The girl got her hair pulled out and my sister still had her shoes.
"She tow dat ass up!" I'm just sayin' :)
That was the best part of my weekend. Well just a little while ago I finished "The Night Season". Chelsea Cain is the author, she is great. I encourage you to go get her book "Sweetheart" and read it. Its the first in the series, which doesn't technically have a name right now. I don't think. I love love love them :D However, I wasn't totally impressed with this last one. She laid a good foundation for a really great next book. Now I just have to play the waiting game.
Which tends to be the current pattern of my life right now.