well i found this among my drafts...

three pills to many make my teeth chatter and my body shake.

one hug from you and i am ready to jump in the sack.

too many thoughts and i cant fall asleep.

seven days a week i go through trapted in the same routine.

rebellious motives move though me like a hurricane

calm the waters and i will be still if only for moment.

from time to time... i sit and stare out the window and wait for something to happen. i daydream... i put together scenes that one day i might put in my book.. or not. sometimes when i stare out the window i have my ipod in.. ok most of the time i have my ipod in. i listen to the music and imagine myself in the crowd or up on stage.. do you ever do that? .. i think of people and what i want to say to them or what i want them to say to me.. have any of these daydreams came true?... no. but i can still hope and still hold them there. ... most of the time in my mind i am in control.. i can control my environment.. most of the time. .. sometimes not.. sometimes i just wish there were no more people.. cause where there are people there are problems. big problems. ..with problems come frustration.. some people shut down.. or freak out....sometimes when i am having a bad day and the right person says the wrong thing.. i snap! ... i have had several outburst this year.. but shh. .. if i was calm and put together... things would be all to calm and dull. .. that what makes us us.. or me me and you you. ..thank God i am not you and our are not me. ... that would be all to awkward. .sometimes when i think i think of where i will be in 10-12 years... in a loft in NYC.. ocean front on the coast of FL.. of possibly in the dazzling lights of Paris.. and sometimes i think of where the people around me will be.. rocking on stage... flipping burgers.. that i will purposely order complicatedly. . working at a doctors office with a very made up and oh so fake smile :) ... or in the slums with all the weed in the world! ... aim high rockingham! ...sometimes when i think.. i think of sleeping for forever... so i will start now.. but end in the morning.. until next time.. when my head is full of thoughts.

today

"its just one of though days when you don't wanna wake up, everything is fucked, everybody sucks!"

words i live by the past few days. i think am going to take a trip back to my hole. i ventured out and the sun is starting to burn.

my stomach hurts, my chest is in a knot my hands are sweaty, my feet are ready to run far away! i cant run though. i have duties to attend to. my worldly reliance's are gone. in the trash, far away... however there is one thing i have saved for very desperate times, and i tell you my friends i am feeling very very desperate. weather i will engage is undecided.

a kiss on the cheek, a stab in the back, a blow to the face, these are the things that make the world go round. i wake up to a tear stained pillow. when i cry in my sleep it hurts to wake up in the mornings. to know that i have to face the world again seems like the biggest challenge of all.

fight fight fight!

i will destroy the enemy. or destroy myself in the process. the fight is long and hard but i will strive.

the enemy is beautiful, ugly, skinny, fat, little manhood, big girlhood, brown hair, blue eyes, smart, dumb, funny, not so much, it inhabits this world everyday shaking up my life!

today i cried. i laughed, i got aggravated, i calmed down.

i am yearning for escape... but to where?

if i had a pen i would write in my notebook. if i had a notebook i would write down every thought that entered my mind. but i dont have a notebook. i have thoughts and i have a pen but no notebook.

sometimes i feel like need to come up for air. like this life is to much for me to handle. but where do i go for air? i have God. i know that nor do i want to hide that fact. God is this ginormous being who loves and saved me from all the worlds ugly. for that i am greatful. i want to devote my life to him but sometimes i trick myself into beleiving that it wont be possible. if you look around sometimes everybody seems to have it together. but i know better. nothing is as it seems. nobody has it together. nobody.
if i had the choice to end things right now, no strings attached.. no afterlife to worry about... i would end it. sometimes i still compemplate it but i know i wouldnt be right. i hate being sad and stuck in this rut called life. i hate it when people call me selfish. when they throw you that line of " think about us, we love you, we would miss you" i understand that. but you would get over it. you would move on and continue to roll with the punches. but when life throws me the punches i cant seem to duck or dodge them in anyway. they hit my square in the face and i let the hate and fear and sadness of thoughs punches fester deep inside me slowly pulling me down, slowly drawing me to the edge. in my head are things that i dont know where they come from. thoughts that have no place being in my head.
but God is there and i know that there is a way to overcome the punches. i know there is someone to heal the brokeness of me. sometimes it dosent seem like that at all. but in my knower i know he is. i have faith that things will get brighter and better in my future.

redbull high?

so I'm sitting here drinking milk out of my sisters HSM coffee cup trying to wrap my brain around anything that will stand still. ... nothing will and i know it.

today was good :)
i had a bio test that counted 8 times! and i made a 96! umm yea thats an A! and not only that but it was the highest grade in my class :)
yep yep yep!
i had Chinese for dinner, that was cool. hung out with my cuzos for a while= awsomeness.
however i did leave my piano book at school. im kinda bummed about that but its all good.

im sleepy but i dont want to go to sleep, does that make since?
- i dont know either.

ok now i have a bad after taste. yuck!

omg! funny story. the waiter at the resturant was high. my mom was like "emily how di you know that?" i was like " haha. mom some of my good friends are drugies.".

i dont really like the fact that they drugs but i cant point a finger cause i def. have my bad habits.
anyway. i guess i will go to bed now....

silly me was waiting for a text or phone call from a certain someone, but do you think he did. nope. and thats ok. i guess. i will just go to besd wallowing in tears.. lol. umm NO! thats a lie. i cry over no man. well there is one but we arent going there tonight.

i think im high. .....? but its too soon to know if i feel myself crashing later i will let you know.

sleep well bloggers. ..or readers. or losers. or teachers. or preachers. or beaters. or meaters. or boogers. :):):):):):):)

goodnight.

*the yellow is the spel check. hahaha*

random stuff from inside my noggin.

poetic spurts come and go like the wind.
my head is soo freaking filled with shit i cant even remember what i had for breakfast.. ( yes i do. i didnt eat :) .. if you are at least a semi-normal human you get what im saying.

i have homewrok to do but i work better after dark. lol. that sounds kinky ;) (JK)
and i need to practice keybored... which i am finally playing. thanks be to God ( seriously. props man:) however i need to rant some first!!
sometimes at night i talk to myself ( dont tell anyone!) it helps me to settle down.
dont know why said that just thought you should know. :)

may is coming right around the corner and im soooooo freaking excited!! yea bby!
first we have the stellar kart concert :)
then we have a lock-in @ me church
and then at the house of blues we have RED and papa roach!! !
oohh yess bloggers i amm soo ready!! going to be great :)
you cant hear it but i just screamed!

stuck on the sad issues.

and yet i still can't seem to pick up the pen to write in a notebook. my notebook is still sitting wasting away in the trashcan. not burned to ashes because my dad has yet to burn the trash. saddens me. absolutely enrages me that its in there! and not under my bed where it belongs. my notebook was blue, well it was a composition book. blue. and in the square in the middle i had "i rock therefor i am" but then later on i got so into my darkness i wrote "wicked sin" on it. that was kinda crazy coming from a new perspective. sometimes when people think things they push them away cause they know some thoughts are meant to be kept unthought. but for me the notebook was where i could escape in my head and think, write, thoughs unthinkable thoughts. when i would take it to the pond and write i would put leaves in it or smear things in it. on one page is water, or blood, one page even had chocolate on it. lol. i wrote the word fuck everywhere in it. the day i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety i devoted a whole page to the word fuck and bashing the therapist. that doesn't upset me anymore. it used to bother me. what bothers me now is when people call me crazy or when they know i got to a shrink and they act weird about it. what hurts is when people look at me weird after they know. they don't treat me like Emily anymore. anyways.... i guess no need to dwell on it but i most likely will.
so look for more notebook dwelling to come.
tata. :)